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It's time for a real War on Christmas It's time for a real War on Christmas
(about 4 hours later)
Let’s cancel Christmas.Let’s cancel Christmas.
I understand that this is last-minute and some of you may have already started ordering presents for family and loved ones on Amazon, bought airplane tickets or planned a menu for the big family meal, but hear me out. I think we will be better off – all of us as individuals, everyone together, society, the world – if we stop celebrating this holiday.I understand that this is last-minute and some of you may have already started ordering presents for family and loved ones on Amazon, bought airplane tickets or planned a menu for the big family meal, but hear me out. I think we will be better off – all of us as individuals, everyone together, society, the world – if we stop celebrating this holiday.
In truth, I think we’ll be better off if we stop celebrating all holidays. Holidays are stupid.In truth, I think we’ll be better off if we stop celebrating all holidays. Holidays are stupid.
I don’t mean to be a Grinch; I am not a misanthrope; I love people and children and I find joy in their joy. And I also don’t want to give those nutty Bill O’Reilly types more imaginary evidence for their imaginary paranoid fantasy about there being a “War on Christmas” in this country because there is no such war, though I wish there were.I don’t mean to be a Grinch; I am not a misanthrope; I love people and children and I find joy in their joy. And I also don’t want to give those nutty Bill O’Reilly types more imaginary evidence for their imaginary paranoid fantasy about there being a “War on Christmas” in this country because there is no such war, though I wish there were.
But it is already definitely not the most wonderful time of the year. It’s miserable, it’s cold, everybody’s getting sick, all the plants are dead, there’s too much stuff to do before the calendar year ends anyway and it gets dark right after lunch.But it is already definitely not the most wonderful time of the year. It’s miserable, it’s cold, everybody’s getting sick, all the plants are dead, there’s too much stuff to do before the calendar year ends anyway and it gets dark right after lunch.
Adding a holiday celebration doesn’t help: holidays, especially Christmas, make people sad. You’ve surely read about the seasonal spike in suicide statistics (turns out that spike is apocryphal, but its persistence as a trope is instructive), and you’ve felt the existential gloom yourself. You’ve endured the crushing anomie of walking a neon-lit aisle at a supermarket while “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” pipes in through ceiling speakers as you decide whether to shell out for the brand-name night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so-you-can-rest medicine or stick to the generic. You’ve struggled with the stress of our ill-conceived penchant for gift-giving.Adding a holiday celebration doesn’t help: holidays, especially Christmas, make people sad. You’ve surely read about the seasonal spike in suicide statistics (turns out that spike is apocryphal, but its persistence as a trope is instructive), and you’ve felt the existential gloom yourself. You’ve endured the crushing anomie of walking a neon-lit aisle at a supermarket while “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” pipes in through ceiling speakers as you decide whether to shell out for the brand-name night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so-you-can-rest medicine or stick to the generic. You’ve struggled with the stress of our ill-conceived penchant for gift-giving.
Christmas – and every other holiday – simply marks a date on a calendar, an arbitrary point in time, especially when you take into consideration the fluctuations in the rotation of the earth and the lunar cycle. The 25th day of December is a day that we as a society have agreed is supposed to be cheery and joyous, infused with tradition and nostalgia. A day for stockings and cookies, goofy sweaters and eggnog, elves, time-travel and reindeer with glowing red noses. Ho ho ho! We should be happy. We are told to be happy. ’Tis the season to be jolly, ’tisn’t it?Christmas – and every other holiday – simply marks a date on a calendar, an arbitrary point in time, especially when you take into consideration the fluctuations in the rotation of the earth and the lunar cycle. The 25th day of December is a day that we as a society have agreed is supposed to be cheery and joyous, infused with tradition and nostalgia. A day for stockings and cookies, goofy sweaters and eggnog, elves, time-travel and reindeer with glowing red noses. Ho ho ho! We should be happy. We are told to be happy. ’Tis the season to be jolly, ’tisn’t it?
But the reality of holidays so rarely lives up to our expectations. Does it ever? Can it, possibly? No. We are dreamers, we humans, cursed with famously imperfect memories designed to minimize our own traumas and the Pollyanna-ish penchant for imagining things bigger and better and more romantic than they were or could ever be. We are programmed to be let down.But the reality of holidays so rarely lives up to our expectations. Does it ever? Can it, possibly? No. We are dreamers, we humans, cursed with famously imperfect memories designed to minimize our own traumas and the Pollyanna-ish penchant for imagining things bigger and better and more romantic than they were or could ever be. We are programmed to be let down.
The best advice I’ve ever gotten, the surest path to happiness that I know is this: Don’t expect. Don’t expect anything, ever. The less we expect, the happier we are. Expectation is the worst; it leads directly to disappointment. Consistently, reliably, expectation produces misery.The best advice I’ve ever gotten, the surest path to happiness that I know is this: Don’t expect. Don’t expect anything, ever. The less we expect, the happier we are. Expectation is the worst; it leads directly to disappointment. Consistently, reliably, expectation produces misery.
I don’t discount the beneficial aspects of observing holidays. Humans have been celebrating in concert with the lunar and solar cycles – with big meals or mushroom parties or blood sacrifice or whatever– since the days of Stonehenge. Surely, this habit we have, a whole bunch of people doing the same thing on the same day, was a formative characteristic of early societies.I don’t discount the beneficial aspects of observing holidays. Humans have been celebrating in concert with the lunar and solar cycles – with big meals or mushroom parties or blood sacrifice or whatever– since the days of Stonehenge. Surely, this habit we have, a whole bunch of people doing the same thing on the same day, was a formative characteristic of early societies.
And I am all for joy and community and festive meals with family and friends! I appreciate the exchange of thoughtful gifts and seasonal produce. But we should have these things whenever we can, not limit them to one prescribed day – inviting comparisons to that day in years past – nor limit ourselves to doing as many of the exact same things on that day as most everyone else. Taking in joy and giving joy to our families and friends should be more spontaneous, more organic, more of-our-own. Wouldn’t that be better?And I am all for joy and community and festive meals with family and friends! I appreciate the exchange of thoughtful gifts and seasonal produce. But we should have these things whenever we can, not limit them to one prescribed day – inviting comparisons to that day in years past – nor limit ourselves to doing as many of the exact same things on that day as most everyone else. Taking in joy and giving joy to our families and friends should be more spontaneous, more organic, more of-our-own. Wouldn’t that be better?
‘Hey Honey! I stopped on the way home and bought gifts for you and the kids and a fragrant pine tree we can decorate. Let’s make a great meal this weekend – at our leisure, I mean, if we feel like it – and invite some people over.’‘Hey Honey! I stopped on the way home and bought gifts for you and the kids and a fragrant pine tree we can decorate. Let’s make a great meal this weekend – at our leisure, I mean, if we feel like it – and invite some people over.’
‘It’s August 3rd.’‘It’s August 3rd.’
‘I know.’‘I know.’
That would be so much better!That would be so much better!
I’m not the first person to think of this. Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists don’t celebrate Christmas either. And while their liturgy lists various reasons for opting out, most of them religious, a list of “common misconceptions” about doing so on the Jehovah’s Witness website includes the following: I’m not the first person to think of this. Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventists don’t celebrate Christmas either. And while their liturgy cites various reasons for opting out, most of them religious, a list of “common misconceptions” about doing so on the Jehovah’s Witness website includes the following:
Myth: You miss out on the “Christmas spirit” of generosity, peace on earth, and goodwill toward men.Myth: You miss out on the “Christmas spirit” of generosity, peace on earth, and goodwill toward men.
Fact: We strive to be generous and peaceable every day. (Proverbs 11:25; Romans 12:18) For example, the way we conduct our meetings and preach is in harmony with Jesus’ instruction: “You received free, give free.” (Matthew 10:8) In addition, we direct attention to God’s Kingdom as the true hope for peace on earth. —Matthew 10:7Fact: We strive to be generous and peaceable every day. (Proverbs 11:25; Romans 12:18) For example, the way we conduct our meetings and preach is in harmony with Jesus’ instruction: “You received free, give free.” (Matthew 10:8) In addition, we direct attention to God’s Kingdom as the true hope for peace on earth. —Matthew 10:7
That’s me, too. (Me and Prince!) I aspire to make every day seem like Christmas for every person I come into contact with. (It’s likely that I more often I make it seem like Yom Kippur or Pearl Harbor Day but, y’know, not on purpose.) I believe that establishing special days – holidays – as ones laden with obligation puts a counterproductive pressure on us all. That’s me, too. (Me and Prince!) I aspire to make every day seem like Christmas for every person I come into contact with. (It’s likely that I more often make it seem like Yom Kippur or Pearl Harbor Day but, y’know, not on purpose.) I believe that establishing special days – holidays – as ones laden with obligation puts a counterproductive pressure on us all.
Weaning ourselves from our unhealthy holiday habit will probably take some getting used to. (Breaking it to your kids will be especially tough, probably. I suggest bribing them with a promise of more frequently-occurring, though unscheduled, gift bonanzas.) But, should you choose to join me in this first step towards that effort, I think we’ll all be better off. Who knows where this could lead? Relieved of the stress of conforming to nationalistic cultural norms at set times of the year, maybe we can achieve true evolutionary progress and reach a higher, more enlightened state. Maybe we can stop global warming and find harmony among the races and peace in the Middle East. Peace in the Middle East, where all this stupid stuff started!Weaning ourselves from our unhealthy holiday habit will probably take some getting used to. (Breaking it to your kids will be especially tough, probably. I suggest bribing them with a promise of more frequently-occurring, though unscheduled, gift bonanzas.) But, should you choose to join me in this first step towards that effort, I think we’ll all be better off. Who knows where this could lead? Relieved of the stress of conforming to nationalistic cultural norms at set times of the year, maybe we can achieve true evolutionary progress and reach a higher, more enlightened state. Maybe we can stop global warming and find harmony among the races and peace in the Middle East. Peace in the Middle East, where all this stupid stuff started!
I mean, maybe. I doubt it. But maybe. At the very least, we can get the supermarkets to stop with the shitty Christmas music. I already have a headache.I mean, maybe. I doubt it. But maybe. At the very least, we can get the supermarkets to stop with the shitty Christmas music. I already have a headache.