The big sleep: how to escape the worst of winter

http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/dec/07/does-your-hibernator-burrow-have-netflix

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This autumn Nasa announced plans to research human hibernation as part of a potential mission to Mars. Travelling while hibernating, the organisation claimed, could minimise the requirements astronauts have for life-support during long missions.

I don’t want to be all “Catch the hell up, Nasa” about this, but its thesis is something I have suspected for years. I have even carried out informal research of my own. Not for a mission to Mars, but merely to feel the benefits of what ecologists refer to as “time migration”: hibernation, which allows animals to skip over the cold, stressful seasons to months of warmth and plenty. Imagine if time migration could help us to miss the boring bits of winter, like snow puns, travel delays, listening to people’s New Year’s resolutions, spending time with family and socialising with colleagues! Could it be for you?

There are a few things you should know. First, there are different kinds of hibernators. Which are you? Deep hibernators (chipmunks, hedgehogs, snakes, toads) can appear “dead” when hibernating. If your loved ones are unsupportive of your decision to hibernate, this may be the best option. Then there are regular hibernators (bears, skunks, raccoons), who sleep more lightly and wake more quickly. There’s also the option of daily torpor – hibernation lite. Useful for those on a busy schedule, like mice, bats and working mothers.

Before hibernation many animals experience hyperphagia: increased appetite leading to the laying down of abundant adipose tissue, or fat. Many of you will be nodding in recognition. My hyperphagic phase starts around September and lasts until the night before I’m due to return to work after Christmas and realise my jeans won’t go past my knees.

If you decide to hibernate, be aware: hibernation is not risk-free. A hibernating animal is defenceless in its slumber. Therefore it requires a secure den – the hibernaculum. Think about your own hibernaculum and how it could be improved for your comfort and protection. Is your nest soft enough? Does your burrow have Netflix? Are you likely to be discovered by predators? Make your chosen location less appealing to unwanted visitors – take a tip from insects, who bed down within rotten logs, under dead leaves and in soil.

Snail hibernation is self-contained. They withdraw into their shell and seal their “door” with a chalky, slimy excretion that hardens and locks in essential moisture. An air hole allows oxygen in, but keeps predators out. If you feel inspired to try something similar (I know I do), make sure your letterbox is big enough for pizza deliveries (ie at least 10 inches wide, ideally 12).

Hibernation is all about slowing down the natural processes. Marmots breathe only once every six minutes during deep hibernation (I came close to this last year, after a sweet sherry with the fire on, watching something hard on BBC4). Meanwhile black bears do not eat, drink or excrete at all while hibernating, for as long as six months. I’m not advocating this. It would make for an extremely nerve-racking first return trip to the bathroom. That said, some female bears do have babies during hibernation. Having done it the human way twice I’m seriously looking at this option in case we decide to go for number 3.

Finally, if you’re in need of inspiration why not look to North America’s hardiest hibernator: the Alaskan wood frog, which spends seven months a year frozen solid. The amphibian’s talent for survival is down to a natural “frog antifreeze” created by repeated doses of adrenaline flooding their livers every time they freeze. You can create a similar effect at home by watching Korean horror films while drinking ketchup. Good luck and happy hibernating! See you in spring.