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Fifa ethics report shows war on Blatter is as futile as ‘war on terror’ Ethics report shows war on Fifa is as futile as ‘war on terror’
(35 minutes later)
And so, once more, to undead governing body Fifa, which increasingly feels like some arcane abuse of the global banking system as subject matter for a column. You know it’s important, you know it’s wrong … but you just can’t be arsed reading another word about it. Either that, or you’re overcome by a version of the sentiment embodied in the famous last line of Chinatown: Forget it, Jake. It’s Fifa.And so, once more, to undead governing body Fifa, which increasingly feels like some arcane abuse of the global banking system as subject matter for a column. You know it’s important, you know it’s wrong … but you just can’t be arsed reading another word about it. Either that, or you’re overcome by a version of the sentiment embodied in the famous last line of Chinatown: Forget it, Jake. It’s Fifa.
Still, if by some remote chance anyone’s still here, on we go. And hand on heart, I feel I must begin this latest outing with an apology. Two weeks ago, in this very spot, I found cause for mild optimism in the news that the FBI had forced former Fifa exco member Chuck Blazer to turn informant. Still, if by some remote chance anyone’s still here, on we go. And hand on heart, I feel I must begin this latest outing with an apology. Two weeks ago, in this very spot, I found cause for mild optimism in the news that the FBI had forced the former Fifa exco member Chuck Blazer to turn informant.
Since then, Fifa’s ethics committee has published its summary of Fifa ethics committee member Michael Garcia’s investigation into allegations of unethical behaviour within Fifa. Mr Garcia has taken the post-satirical step of disowning this report into his own investigation. Two whistleblowers have lodged complaints – with Fifa – about their treatment at the hands of Fifa investigators. Fifa has made an opaque criminal complaint to the Swiss attorney general, which, on past form, will probably end up being about England. And the Football Association chairman Greg Dyke has sent a letter to all exco members which contains the line: “We cannot go on like this.”Since then, Fifa’s ethics committee has published its summary of Fifa ethics committee member Michael Garcia’s investigation into allegations of unethical behaviour within Fifa. Mr Garcia has taken the post-satirical step of disowning this report into his own investigation. Two whistleblowers have lodged complaints – with Fifa – about their treatment at the hands of Fifa investigators. Fifa has made an opaque criminal complaint to the Swiss attorney general, which, on past form, will probably end up being about England. And the Football Association chairman Greg Dyke has sent a letter to all exco members which contains the line: “We cannot go on like this.”
I know what you mean, Greg. But can’t we? Let’s face it, experience would indicate overwhelmingly that we can. Going on like this is what we do. Without wishing to put a precise date on it, we’ve been going on like this since at least the second Wilson administration.I know what you mean, Greg. But can’t we? Let’s face it, experience would indicate overwhelmingly that we can. Going on like this is what we do. Without wishing to put a precise date on it, we’ve been going on like this since at least the second Wilson administration.
In fact, I can’t help feeling that in the event of a global nuclear apocalypse, the only manmade structure left standing would be Fifa’s Zurich headquarters. I’m not sure even one pane of its exoskeleton would be shattered. That distinctive architectural shell isn’t glass – it’s a deflector shield somehow capable of repelling all past and future flak. As Earth’s few remaining survivors prepared to withdraw into its catacombs to distil drinking water from their own urine, Sepp Blatter would simply blow the fallout ash off his $12,000 attache case and get on with his day. Maybe he’d mull the unveiling of a new corporate motto, and charge some aide with coming up with the Latin for “we so CAN go on like this”.In fact, I can’t help feeling that in the event of a global nuclear apocalypse, the only manmade structure left standing would be Fifa’s Zurich headquarters. I’m not sure even one pane of its exoskeleton would be shattered. That distinctive architectural shell isn’t glass – it’s a deflector shield somehow capable of repelling all past and future flak. As Earth’s few remaining survivors prepared to withdraw into its catacombs to distil drinking water from their own urine, Sepp Blatter would simply blow the fallout ash off his $12,000 attache case and get on with his day. Maybe he’d mull the unveiling of a new corporate motto, and charge some aide with coming up with the Latin for “we so CAN go on like this”.
It’s perversely impressive, at some level, that world football’s governing body continues to lower its own bar by such regular increments. Over the past fortnight, it has moved even deeper into territory where the old cliches of misdemeanour are rendered either inadequate or wholly redundant. Once its investigator is publicly disowning its report of his investigation, you can’t really call what Fifa does “hiding in plain sight”. Technically, they’re not even hiding anymore. They’re just doing it in plain sight.It’s perversely impressive, at some level, that world football’s governing body continues to lower its own bar by such regular increments. Over the past fortnight, it has moved even deeper into territory where the old cliches of misdemeanour are rendered either inadequate or wholly redundant. Once its investigator is publicly disowning its report of his investigation, you can’t really call what Fifa does “hiding in plain sight”. Technically, they’re not even hiding anymore. They’re just doing it in plain sight.
In which case, perhaps the metamorphosis is finally complete. With each passing year, Blatter’s outfit has felt less a sporting governing body than a quasi-state, with its ability to ride roughshod over the constitutions of the satellite nations which host its tournaments – establishing its own courts, setting its own tax rates at an enticing 0%, making strategic alliances with emerging powers and oppressive regimes … you know the rest. We all do. But for all the talk of boycotts and secessions, the sense that resolution is materially nearer than it ever was is oddly elusive.In which case, perhaps the metamorphosis is finally complete. With each passing year, Blatter’s outfit has felt less a sporting governing body than a quasi-state, with its ability to ride roughshod over the constitutions of the satellite nations which host its tournaments – establishing its own courts, setting its own tax rates at an enticing 0%, making strategic alliances with emerging powers and oppressive regimes … you know the rest. We all do. But for all the talk of boycotts and secessions, the sense that resolution is materially nearer than it ever was is oddly elusive.
Perhaps Fifa is just becoming one of those rogue states we either can’t or daren’t do anything about. The more eye-popping the charges against world football’s governing body, the more sensationally impervious to them it seems, with even those of us who write bi-monthly about them beginning to lose track of who the hell would technically have jurisdiction over its activities. The Hague? The Pentaverate?Perhaps Fifa is just becoming one of those rogue states we either can’t or daren’t do anything about. The more eye-popping the charges against world football’s governing body, the more sensationally impervious to them it seems, with even those of us who write bi-monthly about them beginning to lose track of who the hell would technically have jurisdiction over its activities. The Hague? The Pentaverate?
Theoretically, dealing with allegations of Fifa corruption should be simple, given the asymmetric resources of all the nation states lining up to make it sound like a moral obligation (Germany is the latest to suggest vaguely that this will not stand). But in practice, the task seems designed to draw the organisation’s critics into forms of engagement which backfire damagingly.Theoretically, dealing with allegations of Fifa corruption should be simple, given the asymmetric resources of all the nation states lining up to make it sound like a moral obligation (Germany is the latest to suggest vaguely that this will not stand). But in practice, the task seems designed to draw the organisation’s critics into forms of engagement which backfire damagingly.
In which case, maybe the closest analogy is the “war on terror”. Certainly, as far as our unwinnable conflicts go, the “war on Fifa” has the potential to finish second only to the “war on drugs”, having already long outstripped Operation Enduring Freedom (which you’ll note is still enduring, trillions of dollars worth of freedom later).In which case, maybe the closest analogy is the “war on terror”. Certainly, as far as our unwinnable conflicts go, the “war on Fifa” has the potential to finish second only to the “war on drugs”, having already long outstripped Operation Enduring Freedom (which you’ll note is still enduring, trillions of dollars worth of freedom later).
Yet in my more malarial windows of clarity on the matter, I always feel like we’re moving inexorably towards the moment when someone just floats the idea of invading Fifa. Or at the very least, Switzerland, whose mountains are believed to give its senior operatives shelter, whose banks are a key part of its infrastructure, and whose Michelin-starred restaurants function as its training camps.Yet in my more malarial windows of clarity on the matter, I always feel like we’re moving inexorably towards the moment when someone just floats the idea of invading Fifa. Or at the very least, Switzerland, whose mountains are believed to give its senior operatives shelter, whose banks are a key part of its infrastructure, and whose Michelin-starred restaurants function as its training camps.
And you know what, maybe that’s the most rational way to do it: following an emergency session of the UN security council, the international community informs Switzerland that its willingness to harbour Fifa has violated its own long-established status of permanent neutrality, and that it has three weeks to expel Fifa and begin dismantling its networks, or to face the consequences. Namely, the coalition powers launching an offensive – upon which we’ll have to slap the working title Operation We Can’t Go On Like This.And you know what, maybe that’s the most rational way to do it: following an emergency session of the UN security council, the international community informs Switzerland that its willingness to harbour Fifa has violated its own long-established status of permanent neutrality, and that it has three weeks to expel Fifa and begin dismantling its networks, or to face the consequences. Namely, the coalition powers launching an offensive – upon which we’ll have to slap the working title Operation We Can’t Go On Like This.