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| How to receive a goat (and other unglamorous gifts) | How to receive a goat (and other unglamorous gifts) |
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| By Tom Geoghegan BBC News Magazine You wanted a Nintendo Wii, you got a goat. Charity presents aren't top of everyone's Christmas list, but it would be churlish to show disappointment. So what's the best way to receive one? | By Tom Geoghegan BBC News Magazine You wanted a Nintendo Wii, you got a goat. Charity presents aren't top of everyone's Christmas list, but it would be churlish to show disappointment. So what's the best way to receive one? |
| Getting a knitted jumper every year from Aunt Agatha on Christmas Day ought to warrant an Oscar category of its own: Best Display of Fawning Gratitude in Adverse Circumstances. | Getting a knitted jumper every year from Aunt Agatha on Christmas Day ought to warrant an Oscar category of its own: Best Display of Fawning Gratitude in Adverse Circumstances. |
| Charity gifts, however, are a more complex proposition. For a start, they can come from unexpected quarters. And while all you get is a card to verify the purchase of said gift, someone several thousand miles away should see their life immeasurably improved by this act of generosity. | Charity gifts, however, are a more complex proposition. For a start, they can come from unexpected quarters. And while all you get is a card to verify the purchase of said gift, someone several thousand miles away should see their life immeasurably improved by this act of generosity. |
| Yet sometimes those selfish feelings are hard to supress and there will be the nagging sense that giving a goat to a nomadic Sudanese tribe feels better for the giver than you, the nominal receiver. But with the eyes of the family bearing down on Christmas morning, the last thing you will want to do is betray this sense of disillusion. | Yet sometimes those selfish feelings are hard to supress and there will be the nagging sense that giving a goat to a nomadic Sudanese tribe feels better for the giver than you, the nominal receiver. But with the eyes of the family bearing down on Christmas morning, the last thing you will want to do is betray this sense of disillusion. |
| It would be bad form and wrong to act disappointed Jo BryantEditor of Etiquette for Girls "I don't think you should ever show disappointment," says Jo Bryant, editor of the Debrett's books Etiquette for Girls and Manners for Men. "Someone has put time, effort and expense into buying it." | It would be bad form and wrong to act disappointed Jo BryantEditor of Etiquette for Girls "I don't think you should ever show disappointment," says Jo Bryant, editor of the Debrett's books Etiquette for Girls and Manners for Men. "Someone has put time, effort and expense into buying it." |
| Say how much you like it and be gracious, she says, and consider how you would like others to react getting your presents. | Say how much you like it and be gracious, she says, and consider how you would like others to react getting your presents. |
| "This is especially true if you're given something that's doing good for someone else." | "This is especially true if you're given something that's doing good for someone else." |
| Etiquette expert Mary Killen agrees. "It's better than not being given anything and very few people would insult you with a present. Even mean people," she says. | Etiquette expert Mary Killen agrees. "It's better than not being given anything and very few people would insult you with a present. Even mean people," she says. |
| But a goat is quite a pompous thing to give, she says, because it's moralising passively and by proxy. | But a goat is quite a pompous thing to give, she says, because it's moralising passively and by proxy. |
| Liz Brewer of ITV's Ladette to Lady takes up the theme. Charity should not be imposed on others, says Ms Brewer. The trick, she says, is to dress up your disappointment with humour. | Liz Brewer of ITV's Ladette to Lady takes up the theme. Charity should not be imposed on others, says Ms Brewer. The trick, she says, is to dress up your disappointment with humour. |
| "Say 'This is a wonderful thought and I really appreciate you thinking of me' but make a joke of it - 'I've got enough to worry about without having to look after this whatever it is.'" | "Say 'This is a wonderful thought and I really appreciate you thinking of me' but make a joke of it - 'I've got enough to worry about without having to look after this whatever it is.'" |
| UNWANTED GIFT SYNDROME 1. Higher temperature 2. Constricted pupils 3. Clammy hands 4. Higher blood pressure 5. Neck rash 6. Raised toes It's not just charity gifts that can be underwhelming - every family has at least one aunt Agatha. And in a society where presents are often bought by a few casual clicks of a mouse, expectations are increasingly likely to be dashed. | UNWANTED GIFT SYNDROME 1. Higher temperature 2. Constricted pupils 3. Clammy hands 4. Higher blood pressure 5. Neck rash 6. Raised toes It's not just charity gifts that can be underwhelming - every family has at least one aunt Agatha. And in a society where presents are often bought by a few casual clicks of a mouse, expectations are increasingly likely to be dashed. |
| So if you are going to feign delight, you need to know how to do it properly. And that means identifying tell-tale signs, says body language expert Robert Phipps. (See factbox, right, for giveaway signs of disappointment.) | So if you are going to feign delight, you need to know how to do it properly. And that means identifying tell-tale signs, says body language expert Robert Phipps. (See factbox, right, for giveaway signs of disappointment.) |
| "There's a general rule that most people are brought up polite and dress up their language so not to upset people. | "There's a general rule that most people are brought up polite and dress up their language so not to upset people. |
| "When this happens, you have a rise in body temperature because it's a moment of tension and if wired up to a polygraph, it would look for things like raised blood pressure and skin temperature." | "When this happens, you have a rise in body temperature because it's a moment of tension and if wired up to a polygraph, it would look for things like raised blood pressure and skin temperature." |
| A faker may raise their ankles (if seated) or raise their toes in their shoes (standing), which is a way they "ground" or "unground" themselves unconsciously when lying. | A faker may raise their ankles (if seated) or raise their toes in their shoes (standing), which is a way they "ground" or "unground" themselves unconsciously when lying. |
| This is because, says Mr Phipps, the feet are the part of the body furthest from the brain and the hardest to control consciously. | This is because, says Mr Phipps, the feet are the part of the body furthest from the brain and the hardest to control consciously. |
| Someone genuinely thrilled with a present would have dilated pupils for about half a second, but constricted ones if unhappy. | Someone genuinely thrilled with a present would have dilated pupils for about half a second, but constricted ones if unhappy. |
| You go over the top and make out it's the best present you've ever had in your life. It's horrible to watch Judi James class="" href="/1/hi/sci/tech/7153676.stm">Green giving has impact It's very hard to fake a real smile under these circumstances, says social behaviour expert Judi James. | |
| The very first facial response is the truthful one and this is quickly replaced with a different, faked expression, she says. | The very first facial response is the truthful one and this is quickly replaced with a different, faked expression, she says. |
| A good idea is to present the first reaction as a joke by saying "It's horrible" but then add "Only kidding". | A good idea is to present the first reaction as a joke by saying "It's horrible" but then add "Only kidding". |
| Other options are to hide your face by bending over and pretending to fiddle with the Sellotape, or imagine a beautiful gift instead. But you have to be quite a thespian to pull it off, she warns. | Other options are to hide your face by bending over and pretending to fiddle with the Sellotape, or imagine a beautiful gift instead. But you have to be quite a thespian to pull it off, she warns. |
| One thing to watch out for is becoming "over-congruent" with the body language and over-displaying pleasure due to embarrassment. | One thing to watch out for is becoming "over-congruent" with the body language and over-displaying pleasure due to embarrassment. |
| "You go over the top and make out it's the best present you've ever had in your life. It's horrible to watch. And if you're unlucky they buy you the same thing the next year." | "You go over the top and make out it's the best present you've ever had in your life. It's horrible to watch. And if you're unlucky they buy you the same thing the next year." |
| Re-gifting | Re-gifting |
| So what to do with unwanted presents? | So what to do with unwanted presents? |
| Don't follow the extreme approach adopted by writer Nancy Mitford, says Ms Killen. Mitford threw her sister Deborah's Christmas present on to the log fire, she was so disgusted with it, but her honesty won the admiration of her sibling. | Don't follow the extreme approach adopted by writer Nancy Mitford, says Ms Killen. Mitford threw her sister Deborah's Christmas present on to the log fire, she was so disgusted with it, but her honesty won the admiration of her sibling. |
| It's far better to find a happy recipient, she says. Teachers can get as many as 35 presents from pupils and many of them end up on eBay or in charity shops. | It's far better to find a happy recipient, she says. Teachers can get as many as 35 presents from pupils and many of them end up on eBay or in charity shops. |
| Or "re-gift" presents by wrapping them up and giving them to someone else. | Or "re-gift" presents by wrapping them up and giving them to someone else. |
| When people are very busy socially, or in cultures like Japan, a gift is purely a gesture and so it's the act rather than the content that matters. | When people are very busy socially, or in cultures like Japan, a gift is purely a gesture and so it's the act rather than the content that matters. |
Add your comments on this story, using the form below. | Add your comments on this story, using the form below. |