Ask Molly Ringwald: is my upbringing damaging my chance of a relationship?

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/nov/07/ask-molly-ringwald

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I am 28, and my longest relationship lasted a week. I do go out and meet guys, but none of them is the sort I’d want a relationship with. My parents split, amicably, before I was born, and neither has really dated since, so I suppose you could say I was raised by two single people. I had a really happy upbringing, but I didn’t have a model for relationships. I’m worried that even if I do find someone I want to date for more than a week, I won’t know what to do after that, or I’ll chicken out and break up with them again. Should I be worried? Or have I just not found the right person yet?

I sense a bit of a cop-out here. We’ve all read enough books or seen enough movies by now to understand the infinite number of ways in which people love and live with each other. There is no right or wrong model for modern love. People grow up with parents who were together for ever and still don’t manage to sustain any longevity in that department. Same goes for the children of divorced parents. My maternal grandparents were married and divorced three times… to each other (no small feat in the 1950s), and yet my own parents have been together for 54 years.

We are not our parents, and there is no reason to live as if we are. There are very few people I know who are able to say that they had a very happy upbringing. You are one of those select few, so feel good about that and move on. What I’m saying is: this has nothing to do with your single parents – this is about you.

I wish I knew what it is about being with someone for more than a week that frightens you, but it’s really more important that you know. While 28 is by no means old, it is old enough to get a little stuck in your ways. Some people ultimately prefer being single, and if you are one of them, there’s nothing to worry about: you have sidestepped about 80% of the pain in your life.

But… if the idea of a relationship does appeal to you, think of what that would look like. You seem to know what you don’t want, so figure out what you do want, and stop dating people who obviously don’t meet that criteria. But be flexible: there is a difference between knowing what you want and expecting perfection. Some French philosopher said that “the perfect is the enemy of the good”. It’s also a huge relationship buzzkill.

• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com