The Ballon d’Or is an award and all awards are completely stupid

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/oct/28/the-fiver-ballon-dor-award

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‘JAG-OFF BOWLING TROPHIES’

Whether it was Leo Messi’s passable impersonation of Ron Burgundy in his shiny velvet three-piece, Him turning on the waterworks and giving it the full Gwyneth upon receiving his prize, or the astonishing number of bald patches on show in the predominantly motionless and male audience as they sat listening to the happy-clappy nonsense emanating from the trap of wispily bearded official Fifa-sanctioned Swiss $ex god Marc Sway, the Fiver still has nightmares about the excruciating three-hour marathon of self-congratulatory backslapping that was last January’s Ballon d’Or ceremony.

Preparations for next January’s beano began this morning with the official announcement of the 23-strong list of contenders and in England, as usual, rather than focus on those who were nominated, the lion’s share of the headlines were devoted to those who were not. Specifically, everyone who disgraced themselves in an England shirt during the World Cup and a former Liverpool player who scored lots and lots of goals in between sinking his teeth into various opponents. Just as the Fiver never wins any baubles for its regular biting satire, it seems that everyone’s favourite Uruguayan has been overlooked for his regular biting.

“The selection criteria for the players of the year are: sporting performance as well as general behaviour on and off the pitch from 30 November 2013 until 21 November 2014,” drones Fifa’s Big Book O’Selecting Ballon d’Or Candidates, which goes some way towards explaining why Luis Suárez has fallen short in the “general behaviour” stakes, while England’s finest have missed out due to shortcomings in the “sporting performance” department.

With the Fifa list due to be whittled down to just three names in December, before He is announced the winner in a very long and boring ceremony in Zurich’s Kongresshaus a month later, Britain can at least console itself with the fact that Wales have at least got one representative on the list of nominees. Gareth Bale got the nod for his sterling scampering, sprinting and scoring since moving from Tottenham to Real Madrid. And while he won’t win, it doesn’t matter, because for all the handwringing twaddle and nonsense you’ll hear and read about who really deserves it in the coming months, the Ballon d’Or is an award and all awards are completely stupid.

“It is beyond me that we feel the need to set aside a night to give out these jag-off bowling trophies six times a year so that all these people can pat each other on the back about how much money they’re making for boring the p1ss out of half the world,” said Jerry Seinfeld once, while accepting an award. He wasn’t talking about Fifa’s annual gong-giving, but he might as well have been. It’s going to be a very long night.

That list of nominees in full: Gareth Bale (Wales), Karim Benzema (France), Diego Costa (Spain), Thibaut Courtois (Belgium), Him (Portugal), Angel di María (Argentina), Mario Götze (Germany), Eden Hazard (Belgium), Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Sweden), Andrés Iniesta (Spain), Toni Kroos (Germany), Philipp Lahm (Germany), Javier Mascherano (Argentina), Theme Pub O’Fiver (Republic O’Ireland), Lionel Messi (Argentina), Thomas Müller (Germany), Manuel Neuer (Germany), Neymar (Brazil), Paul Pogba (France), Sergio Ramos (Spain), Arjen Robben (Holland), James Rodríguez (Colombia), Bastian Schweinsteiger (Germany), Yaya Touré (Ivory Coast).

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“There was a group of us sitting there, and Glen Johnson came over and said: ‘I know who’s in the envelopes. I know what’s written on all three pieces of paper.’ Who? What? ‘No3’ … ‘José’ … and ‘Enrique’. We fell about. José Enrique protested: ‘No, no, no, no, inglés!’” – Luis Suárez recalls those Brendan Rodgers envelopes in the final extract from his book.

MEDIA WATCHING, WITH SEPP BLATTER

“The mass media should help us with this. We have experienced such things in the past at the Sochi Olympics. However, during and after the [Winter] Games there was not one bad word written about the event” – Fifa’s overlord reckons we should all get off Russia’s back before the 2018 World Cup because the Olympics in Sochi were controversy-free.

Perhaps Sepp just missed this. And this. Or this, among other things.

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FIVER LETTERS

“So, that will be the Pope’s Newc(astle) O’Rangers from now on, will it?” – Kevin Denham.

“If Lord Ferg is looking for a musical collaboration that will easily accommodate an outsize ego (Darren Leathley, yesterday’s Fiver letters), indulge a tendency to sing endlessly samey-sounding Songs of Innocence, while allowing as much time added-on as he needs to get the job done, he should look no further than fellow stadium-rockers U2. Achtung Bebé! indeed” – Justin Kavanagh.

“I’m looking forward to Imperial Lord Ferg’s album of duets including This Charming Man with Roy Keane, Da Do One Ron with Him, Pizza My Heart with Arsène and Fade To Grey live in Southampton from the autumn 1996 Goals Giveaway Tour taking in The Dell and St James’ Park” – Gary Brenner.

“Surely there is something wrong with a competitive letter writing contest where the fractured soul, Rollover, wins almost every week? How about his bosom pal, Void, sharing the spoils occasionally?” – Mike O’Leary.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Kevin Denham.

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BITS AND BOBS

Chelsea boss José Mourinho is covering his back before an intimidating trip to Shrewsbury. “We are in trouble because we have so many injured players,” he sobbed, stopping swiftly to check that people were paying attention, before turning the waterworks back on. “It is even more difficult for us to go. We have to go. We now have a difficult match.”

Having flouted their Big Cup fans ban at the game against Manchester City, CSKA Moscow have been rewarded by having their punishment reduced by Uefa suits.

Real Madrid have agreed a ‘long-term strategic partnership’ with Abu Dhabi’s International Petroleum Investment Co to help fund an overhaul of their Bernabéu stadium. Handy, that.

Knack-riddled Alfreton Town will have to start with an outfield player in goal for tonight’s FA Cup fourth qualifying round replay against Lincoln City. “We have just 11 fit players,” sniffed boss Nicky Law. “It is an extraordinary set of circumstances.”

And only 14 flamin’ Western Sydney Wanderers fans will journey to Riyadh for the second leg of their Asian Big Cup final against Al-Hilal due to a combination of cost, visa issues and the Saudi practice of denying entry to people with Israeli stamps in their passport, or who are Jewish. The club are yet to comment on whether their chairman Paul Lederer, who is Jewish, will travel.

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