Boris Johnson has made London mayor a joke job – so let’s all have a go

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/27/boris-johnson-london-mayor-joke-job-sara-pascoe

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Any time a famous lad says something loud, proud and ill-thought-out, a nearby journalist will politely put their hand up and ask: “AND WILL YOU BE RUNNING FOR LONDON MAYOR?”

The pattern was repeated last weekend when Russell Brand opened his cockerney mouth-curtains to call for revolution and the press responded by suggesting he might aim first for mayoral office. But all those lectures about not voting are going to be a bit embarrassing if he ever runs in an election, or even enters Let’s Dance for Comic Relief. Perhaps once instated he can use his power to ban voting, and London can have its first ever dictator.

And this is all Boris’s fault, because he has made it look so fun and easy. A toy job that can’t really affect or hurt anyone, like being a Beefeater or the Queen.

So how did we get here? The role of “mayor of London” was invented by Ken Livingstone back in the 1980s, a time of free love and music you had to pay for. Then Ken wasn’t mayor for ages, because they disbanded the GLC and turned the offices into an aquarium. Despite being a deeply skilled man, Livingstone is completely unable to breathe underwater, so he moved out. In the year 2000, Ken got back together, like a one-man Take That (but with a more socialist stance on taxation), but everyone was so distracted by the Millennium Dome that we didn’t notice. In 2002, Ken built City Hall next to Tower Bridge and ruled happily until 2008. Those years were a lot of fun: he made the museums free, utilised Trafalgar Square as a community and performance space and gave everybody gardening tips. Then he mysteriously disappeared, and Boris Johnson came along, looking like he might have eaten someone recently.

Boris took over and has been a great success. He’s made speeches, friends and had bikes named after him everywhere he goes (although they’re difficult to ride, unlike him … am I right, ladies?). Johnson has shown us that all you need to succeed in life is the can-do arrogance of a toddler. There can be no greater compliment to Boris than people watching him at work and saying: “If he can do it, anyone can!”

And I mean anyone. Ladbrokes has a list of possible candidates that you can bet on to succeed Mr Johnson. They include such plodding thinkers as Richard Littlejohn, Ross Kemp and – in case you were wondering “what about a lady-Boris next time?” – Louise Mensch. Jeremy Paxman is there in case we want a mayor who will give us all nightmares, Danny Baker for washing powder fans and Eddie Izzard for jam and badgers.

So why don’t we ALL go for London mayor? Come on! Let’s believe in ourselves. The only requirements are that you’re a legal adult and British citizen. Are you? Quickly, ask a parent or passerby. Then raise the £10,000 you need to enter. Perhaps sell a neighbour’s car without telling them. Don’t worry, you’ll get the money back if you get more than 5% of the vote, then you can buy them a new car (if they’ve noticed). As long as all 64 million of us get more than 5%, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Or maybe a reality TV show? They’re very popular now. London’s Got Mayor? We can all queue up along the river Thames and scream excitedly when the cameras go past. And in the auditions, emotive music will underscore us as we tell the panel that 80% of our income goes on our squalid zone six accommodation and we’d LOVE to be mayor because maybe then we could afford to turn the heating on.

Please don’t get confused and put yourself up for lord mayor of London. This is a completely different position with a different outfit and it would mean you would only be in charge of the City of London, which is only about a square mile big. Hang on, maybe that’s how all politics should work, much smaller constituencies … for instance, the MPs based in the House of Commons could just be in charge of Parliament Square. They’d still have plenty to do, stocking the tuck shop and mowing the lawn and debating whether to get the windows double-glazed to cut down on noise pollution. And then the rest the United Kingdom would be divided into tiny patches and could elect their favourite comedian to be their government.

That’s a new idea – we can worry about that later. For now, just quit your day job and register for your new future. I’ll contact the TV execs to see if they’ll pick up LGM. If not, we’ll do it old-style. For homework, think of a nickname the tabloids will give you and plot some exciting scandals to get the public interested. Once elected, your main functions will be looking good, going round and about and making us all laugh once in a while.

Sure, you’ll get criticism, but it will just be playful references to your hair and you’ll know it’s because everyone secretly fancies you so you won’t cry for long. And don’t worry if you forget anything – there’s a WikiHow you can refer to whenever your phone has Wi-Fi connection.

I hope that you ALL win!

sarapascoe.com