Tat emporiums and ludicrous boardroom machinations

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/oct/27/the-fiver-football-email-rangers-leeds

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F@NNYING AROUND IN THE LOWER DIVISIONS

Just as a week is a long time in politics, so 21 years, 11 months and 23 days is a fair old while in football. And that’s how long it’s been since Nasty Leeds played Pope’s Newc O’Rangers in Big Cup as champions of their respective countries. How things have changed since then! Back then, O’Rangers would finish the season having retained their Scottish title and come within a hair’s breadth of reaching the European Cup final. Nasty Leeds meanwhile would meekly crash out of Europe twice, Ronny Deila style, and finish their title defence in 17th place, trailing behind the likes of Norwich, Blackburn, QPR, Wimbledon, Sheffield United, Coventry and Ipswich, having failed to win on the road all season. OK, Nasty Leeds had already gone down the swanny by the autumn of 1992. But the overall point stands: look how things have changed since Nasty Leeds played Pope’s Newc O’Rangers in Big Cup!

Both clubs have, of course, spent recent years f@nnying around in the lower divisions as a result of ludicrous boardroom machinations. But today, at long last, things seem to be looking up for the beleaguered giants. Let’s take O’Rangers first. The club have just taken receipt of a whopping loan of £20 [subs, please check] from Mike Ashley, which for reasons the Fiver doesn’t understand, and can’t be bothered to look into, effectively gives the Newcastle United owner control. Some fans may worry that Ashley will rename Ibrox after his tat emporiums, and convert the listed red-brick Bill Struth Stand into a tat emporium. But others might think it a price worth paying if Ashley’s arrival leads to the exit of Ally McCoist, a man with a grasp of tactics so basic he could easily be confused for one of those people who write about tactics on the internet.

Nasty Leeds are also hoping today might herald a bright new dawn, for having got rid of Darko Milanic, a man who made Brian Clough and Jock Stein look like Don Revie and Howard Wilkinson, they’re set to install Neil Redfearn as head coach. Redfearn’s last permanent appointment was at Northwich Victoria of the Conference, where he could only manage one point during a nine-game tenure. But in fairness to Redfearn, he did accrue 10 points from four matches recently at Nasty Leeds while holding the fort between the reigns of the aforementioned Milanic and his predecessor, the former Forest Green manager Peter Principle. Fans will embrace hope, then, though whether Redfearn will be given enough time to work more magic is, in the wake of the 32-day Milanic era, a moot point emphasised by owner Massimo Cellino’s son Edoardo: “I remember in Italy my dad sacked seven coaches in one year and one before the season had even started. This is not a record.” Forget politics; a week is a long time at Nasty Leeds.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

26 October: “I’m sorry but I can’t continue. I spent four incredible months here, the city and the fans are fantastic. I can’t sustain the weight of the situation on my shoulders” – Gennaro Gattuso steps down from his role as the OFI Crete manager.

27 October: “After the love I have been shown generally by the city of Heraklio, I have decided to take a step back and make a new start” – aaaannndd he’s back.

A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH

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FIVER LETTERS

“Come on Phill (Friday’s letters) – spill the facts please” – Paul Honeyfield.

“After suffering the ignominy of insolvency, relegation to the bottom tier and a transfer ban, the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers now have Mike Ashley in charge after accepting his £2m loan. Rearrange these words to form a popular phrase; ‘out’, ‘frying’, ‘into’, ‘pan’, ‘fire’, ‘the’ and ‘of’. Yes, that’s right, the answer is ‘The Queen’s Celtic win the league ad inifinitum’” – Noble Francis.

“Surely it’s time for Imperial Lord Ferg to branch out from the endless self-justifying books and into music. A collaboration with Shaggy on a remake of ‘It Wasn’t Me’ would be a fine start” – Darren Leathley.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rollover.

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BITS AND BOBS

Philadelphia 76s and New Jersey Devils-owner Josh Harris has sent 70 million pound coins to Crystal Palace and has told the club he expects the keys to Selhurst Park and a decent parking space in exchange.

Brendan Rodgers has further bolstered Mario Balotelli’s confidence by revealing that Liverpool are desperately missing Daniel Sturridge and His Little Dance. “We just have to work without [him] and while we are doing that, we are staying up and around the top end of the table” he Andy Townsended.

Nigeria face another spell on the Fifa naughty step after the country’s High Court ruled that elections to make Amaju Pinnick its association’s president were null and void, a move which has contravened a Fifa directive for the judges to keep their beaks out of it.

Levski Sofia fans have accused CSKA coach Stoycho Mladenov of faking being knocked out after he was hit by a snowball during their derby at the weekend. “Children play with snowballs the whole winter but I haven’t heard of anyone who has collapsed,” sniffed Levski fan club president Vladimir Vladimirov.

Louis van Gaal has said that Radamel Falcao could return from the knack that ruled him out of the Chelsea match to face Manchester City. “Falcao took a kick in training on Thursday and couldn’t play because of that,” parped the manager. “But I don’t think the injury is too bad.”

And Milan midfielder Sulley Muntari has not taken an Italian TV prank that depicted him as a homo$exual well. “You’re sick, I do not joke about these things. The next time you make a thing like this I’ll break your face,” he growled after cheerily smashing a TV presenter’s iPad.

RECOMMENDED VIEWING

Doing a brick-by-brick recreation of Southampton giving Sunderland eight slaps to the chops was always going to take a while, but it’s here now and well worth your time.

STILL WANT MORE?

Louis van Gaal has finally got United heading in the right direction, thanks to his big, bad roadmap and a special screening of the clásico, writes Jamie Jackson, kind of.

‘Arry Redknapp’s Ford Capri of a career seems to be sputtering to its end at QPR, but his past achievements shouldn’t be too bitterly begrudged, reckons Sean Ingle.

Victor Moses’ woes and Burnley’s anti-Invincibles impression are just two of the 10 talking points our writers have scribbled about for you dear reader. Get stuck in.

Real Madrid’s clásico win was down to Mr Cool, Carlo Ancelotti, reckons Sid Lowe.

Sassuolo’s survivor, Francesco Acerbi, strikes a joyful blow against cancer, writes Paolo Bandini in this piece that will make you feel warm inside.

How to stop Chelsea: Manchester United’s template to thwart Mourinho. Michael Cox gets tactical.

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