The tasteless Halloween costume and four other stories you’re bound to read
|
Version 0 of 1. In my day people used to complain that every event in the calendar was turned into an opportunity for consumerism. “Birthdays! Pah. Just another Hallmark construct to spin a quick buck, with their ribbons and their cards. When I truly love a person, I buy them presents throughout the year. I don’t need society to tell me when to buy a present.” I’m glad to say we’ve all caught up with life, and now realise that presents are warranted in every scenario. But what I cannot reconcile with a mature culture is the exploitation of annual events to generate news. How can anything to do with Halloween, which has happened every year since some year that I’m sure you can Google yourself, possibly be newsworthy? Here’s how: The ‘I can’t believe anybody would be so tasteless’ Halloween costume There are two categories: the costume that is, say, force 8 tasteless, but is sold in a mainstream shop, which makes it twice as bad, because in a post-faith world supermarkets are the upholders of taste. So a large American chain selling Ebola Hazmat suits would be insulting and morally dishevelled in a way that just a guy out trick or treating in Ebola-wear would not. In category two are the outfits that are force a-gazillion tasteless, so “putrid, sickening and base” that no shop anywhere would sell them, and it’s a disgusting stain on society that anybody would even think of them. You can only really find these on Yahoo News. This is the time of year that Yahoo News really comes into its own. The ‘10 Signs He’s Cheating on You This Halloween’ Anyone bothered by the idea of infidelity will have already made a complete survey of the literature available. Your average, paranoid person will know all the signs, and have found themselves either driven to despair by the ubiquity (“he is constantly checking his phone” YES. HE DOES THAT CONSTANTLY) or baffled by the vagueness (“sometimes she looks out of the window with an expression of infinite longing [not for you. You’re right there]” But she could be thinking about climate change, or dry cleaning). A new hook, however, will give these poor neurotics the excuse they need to read again, and I must say, illicitencounters.com has done this so enterprisingly that I’ve given you their correct web address. They have ranked likelihood-to-cheat against choice-of-costume. If she dresses like a Mummy, she’s probably on the level. FWIW, if she dresses like a mummy (Boden, woolly tights) she has started to find you physically repellent. But this doesn’t mean she’s shagging anyone else, necessarily. The danger Halloween poses to children There hasn’t been a new peril for children since someone discovered loom bands were actually doom bands. (If you flick them in your eye, it hurts. Or you could flick them into your mouth, and down your throat, and then you would choke. But take that with a pinch of salt, because my cat eats them all the time, and never chokes, just yaks them back up again.) Sugar: obesity, metabolic disease, tooth decay, your dentist giving a quote to the Daily Mail saying you should have your children taken away. Strangers: it is unlikely that a stranger in his or her own house giving away sweets will take this opportunity to abduct your child, but the lesson that strangers can be approached for food may lead your child to be abducted on some other date. Psychic terror: your costumed four-year-old may terrify your pre-speech baby, who will thus be rendered imperfect for the world of work. Christians who find it offensive They are pretty rare these days, but for anyone looking to run a story on the occult-connotations of All Hallows Eve, and how this demonstrates our insensitivity to our own native religion, I can recommend my mother-in-law, plus there’s a lady who owns a balloon shop in West Norwood. They both find it absolutely disgusting. Feminists who find it offensive I actually do find it offensive that skeleton costumes for girls have pink bones. Yes I do! You can’t stop me. |