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| BBC Children in Need Sewing Bee; American Horror Story review – so-so contest, freaks out to play | BBC Children in Need Sewing Bee; American Horror Story review – so-so contest, freaks out to play |
| (10 days later) | |
| The BBC Children in Need Sewing Bee (BBC2) is for a good cause. They’ve even taken the usual chintzy “Great British” out of the title to make way for the name of the charity. So if you do/did watch and enjoy it, please buy a Children in Need ironing board cover, donate a fiver or bid on Dave the Hairy Biker’s deconstructed “haute couture” skirt, because then I will feel less uncharitable about thinking that, as TV, it is not nearly as exciting as the Bake Off, celebrity or otherwise. | |
| The problem is that it’s about sewing, and sewing is not gripping enough to sustain an hour, no matter how perilous the prospect of a wonky stitch may seem. The Bake Off instilled a belief in commissioners that we’ll sit through wholesome crafty activities no matter how unvisual they are; with cakes, it works because despite all the waiting, there is the real prospect of it all going very wrong. (I tried to explain the Baked Alaska “bincident” to a Canadian friend recently, who was entirely baffled by its newsworthiness.) That’s why Celebrity MasterChef is better than civilian MasterChef – it gives the producers free rein to pick absolutely terrible chefs. They don’t have to pretend these people have enough culinary competence to get through to the TV rounds in the first place. More disasters happen. It’s great television. | The problem is that it’s about sewing, and sewing is not gripping enough to sustain an hour, no matter how perilous the prospect of a wonky stitch may seem. The Bake Off instilled a belief in commissioners that we’ll sit through wholesome crafty activities no matter how unvisual they are; with cakes, it works because despite all the waiting, there is the real prospect of it all going very wrong. (I tried to explain the Baked Alaska “bincident” to a Canadian friend recently, who was entirely baffled by its newsworthiness.) That’s why Celebrity MasterChef is better than civilian MasterChef – it gives the producers free rein to pick absolutely terrible chefs. They don’t have to pretend these people have enough culinary competence to get through to the TV rounds in the first place. More disasters happen. It’s great television. |
| Anyway, nobody on the celebrity Sewing Bee has the decency to be awful. Jenny Eclair, who is hosting the first of three parts, is nice and hosts it well; Edith Bowman and Wendi Peters are nice and sew well; Dave the Hairy Biker mucks up a skirt, but then makes progress and learns, and Dr Dawn Harper from Embarrassing Bodies makes a pretty flapper dress. Nobody pricks a finger, nobody goes off-piste – unless you count sewing letters onto the back of a Hawaiian shirt that has been made into a cape to be a renegade decision. Look, it’s nice. And it’s for a good cause. Get your Pudsey ironing board cover, and all that. | Anyway, nobody on the celebrity Sewing Bee has the decency to be awful. Jenny Eclair, who is hosting the first of three parts, is nice and hosts it well; Edith Bowman and Wendi Peters are nice and sew well; Dave the Hairy Biker mucks up a skirt, but then makes progress and learns, and Dr Dawn Harper from Embarrassing Bodies makes a pretty flapper dress. Nobody pricks a finger, nobody goes off-piste – unless you count sewing letters onto the back of a Hawaiian shirt that has been made into a cape to be a renegade decision. Look, it’s nice. And it’s for a good cause. Get your Pudsey ironing board cover, and all that. |
| Actually the best thing about the Sewing Bee was Dr Dawn comparing her needlework to medicine. “I can cope with all sorts of wonky nether regions,” she said, wobbling at the prospect of pulling an A-line skirt together. “You’ll be glad to know I don’t shake like this when I’m sewing humans.” Which gave me an idea for the next charity spin-off show: Famous Embarrassing Bodies. Except the patients are regular people, as always, but the doctors are replaced by minor celebrities with no medical training whatsoever. Danny Dyer tackles your pernicious eczema. Michelle Heaton gets stuck into an enormous fissure. Ben Fogle removes your kidney stones – all against the clock! If the main draw of reality TV is watching people mess it up, then just imagine the ratings. | Actually the best thing about the Sewing Bee was Dr Dawn comparing her needlework to medicine. “I can cope with all sorts of wonky nether regions,” she said, wobbling at the prospect of pulling an A-line skirt together. “You’ll be glad to know I don’t shake like this when I’m sewing humans.” Which gave me an idea for the next charity spin-off show: Famous Embarrassing Bodies. Except the patients are regular people, as always, but the doctors are replaced by minor celebrities with no medical training whatsoever. Danny Dyer tackles your pernicious eczema. Michelle Heaton gets stuck into an enormous fissure. Ben Fogle removes your kidney stones – all against the clock! If the main draw of reality TV is watching people mess it up, then just imagine the ratings. |
| American Horror Story (FOX) has had its share of unethical medical procedures over the course of its three previous seasons, from a kind doctor who turned out to be a serial killer called Bloody Face, to a Nazi surgeon who made people out of bits of other people. This fourth run, subtitled Freak Show and set in a carnival in 1950s Florida, is as gruesome as you might expect. This time, the horror element comes from a clown called Twisty, who bumps off the boyfriend of a young couple on a romantic picnic, then breaks into a house, murders the parents and steals a young boy, all while wearing a terrifying smile mask. Twisty is so grim and nightmarish that you’ll end up praying Pennywise from It would turn up and pop a bloody balloon. | American Horror Story (FOX) has had its share of unethical medical procedures over the course of its three previous seasons, from a kind doctor who turned out to be a serial killer called Bloody Face, to a Nazi surgeon who made people out of bits of other people. This fourth run, subtitled Freak Show and set in a carnival in 1950s Florida, is as gruesome as you might expect. This time, the horror element comes from a clown called Twisty, who bumps off the boyfriend of a young couple on a romantic picnic, then breaks into a house, murders the parents and steals a young boy, all while wearing a terrifying smile mask. Twisty is so grim and nightmarish that you’ll end up praying Pennywise from It would turn up and pop a bloody balloon. |
| But the real reason to love American Horror Story is not the jumps or scares, but the sheer outrageous over-the-top gumption of it all. Jessica Lange is back, this time as Elsa, the leader of the troupe, who just wants to be famous. In this opener, she keeps it low-key – just kidding, this is AHS – by performing a Weimar-ish cover of David Bowie’s Life on Mars, which interrupts all the murder with sparkles and camp hysteria. Kathy Bates has a beard and one hell of an accent. Frances Conroy is the insipid mother to a spoiled monster of a son. There are conjoined twins Bette and Dot (played by Sarah Paulson, with the aid of intriguing camera trickery), who stabbed their mother when she wouldn’t let them go to the movies. Even though it’s not all about women, as its predecessor Coven was, it’s still led to the edge of the abyss by them, and it’s a wonderful sight. If you’re looking for television more exciting than a sewing competition, then roll up for the Freak Show. | But the real reason to love American Horror Story is not the jumps or scares, but the sheer outrageous over-the-top gumption of it all. Jessica Lange is back, this time as Elsa, the leader of the troupe, who just wants to be famous. In this opener, she keeps it low-key – just kidding, this is AHS – by performing a Weimar-ish cover of David Bowie’s Life on Mars, which interrupts all the murder with sparkles and camp hysteria. Kathy Bates has a beard and one hell of an accent. Frances Conroy is the insipid mother to a spoiled monster of a son. There are conjoined twins Bette and Dot (played by Sarah Paulson, with the aid of intriguing camera trickery), who stabbed their mother when she wouldn’t let them go to the movies. Even though it’s not all about women, as its predecessor Coven was, it’s still led to the edge of the abyss by them, and it’s a wonderful sight. If you’re looking for television more exciting than a sewing competition, then roll up for the Freak Show. |