RIP ‘RIP’: we need to be more creative with mourning in the digital age

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/20/rip-hashtag-lynda-bellingham

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Rest in peace. That three-word phrase, expressing a sincere hope that the dead will find peace in the afterlife, is a fitting inscription for a tombstone, and now a very popular hashtag on social media. The deeply sad news this morning that the actor Lynda Bellingham had died was met with a flood of tributes from friends and colleagues. Thousands of people who had never met her also joined in on social media networks such as Twitter, making the top trend in the UK #RIPLyndaBellingham.

It’s thoroughly unsurprising that the power of social media should change the way we deal with loss. In a matter of seconds we are able to pay our respects to someone who we admired, and show our peers that we have contributed to the conversation at the same time. Even politicians find it the easiest way to acknowledge the death of an icon. While some will still write heartfelt letters of condolence, and others deal with their grief privately or with loved ones, many take to the web to share their thoughts. The standard offering when death invades the online world appears to be “RIP”, Requiescat in pace. Often it’s used on its own, without any further comment on a person’s life, and is widely seen as an acceptable tribute.

The problem is that the one-size-fits-all epitaph surely does little justice to the dead. As a cheaper alternative to a personal inscription on a headstone for those in history who lived short and hard lives, I can see how “rest in peace” would be a desperate hope for the dead from the living, but we have more options. If the internet allows us all to participate in collective mourning, then it should also demand that we do so more creatively.

I recently lost a much-loved friend, who was honoured with the most witty, passionate and moving tributes. But creeping in among them were more than a few RIPs. Each time I saw one, I winced slightly. My friend was the most lively, loud, intense person I knew, and the idea of hoping that she would rest in peace seemed all wrong. It was unimaginable that she would lie down so quietly.

As has been posited many times before, the communal mourning we see on the web allows us to incorporate a certain amount of narcissism into proceedings. We’re encouraged to remember the time we met Robin Williams, or to discuss how the loss of Bob Hoskins affects our own childhood memories. By sharing “RIP Peaches Geldof”, we show that we’re informed and included in the day’s events. But, pervasive and popular though it is, this hashtag is lazy. It betrays no emotion, and it detracts from remembering colourful, interesting and sometimes enraging individuals.

If we are all expected to grieve online now, then we should stop the template tributes. Say something about the dead that you found especially wonderful, relate a joke that you loved. Even rail at their political perspective if you must, but avoid the trite “Requiescat in pace”. RIP to RIP.