Ask Molly Ringwald: my daughter loves celebrities and shopping. I don’t
|
Version 0 of 1. My 15-year-old daughter’s values disturb me: she loves celebrities, rich people and shopping big time. She likes watching the Kardashians. Her values and tastes depress me terribly. I have nothing in common with her except that she is my daughter. Right now I don’t even like her. She is abusive to me and tells me she hates me. What can I do? Although it is not an interest you share, your daughter is not alone in her obsession with the rich and famous. Admiring people based solely on their wealth is a preoccupation that dates back to medieval times and continues to flourish today. Sure, it can be frustrating and sad to find yourself polarised when it comes to shared interests with your child, but try to think back to when you were a teenager: how many things did you have in common with your mother? Part of growing up is individuating from our parents and we tend to gravitate toward whatever stands out most clearly in opposition. My own mother is an admirer of Victoriana, but the sight of lace doilies and chintz gives me hives. When she visits my home, I catch her shaking her head, utterly stymied by my mid-century flea-market treasures. And forget about having a political conversation with either of my parents. We have had enough of those tense discussions to know that it is better to focus on our common ground: jazz, elaborate dinners and gossiping about whichever family member happens not to be there. Once your daughter is safely out of the teen years, there’s a good chance your shared landscape will transform and you will both find somewhere to pitch the white flag. Until then, accept the fact that you both probably won’t like each other much. Regarding her “big time” shopping habit: where is she getting the money to support this? If you are the one who is contributing to this lifestyle (ie paying her phone bill, giving her shopping money), stop. Let her get a job after school and perhaps it will give her a realistic understanding of how money works. But be forewarned; if you have been indulging her, when you freeze those assets, get ready for tantrums from hell – teen tantrums being so much worse than toddlers’. Stand your ground and invest in a good pair of noise-cancelling headphones. Then wait. No one is a teenager for ever. Except me. • Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com |