How to be a confident girl

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/oct/17/confident-girl-boys-men-women

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Last Saturday was International Day of the Girl, and at the Southbank Centre Jude Kelly, rare female head of a large arts institution, assembled crowds of women from all kinds of occupations to do a couple of circuits in pods on the London Eye, mentoring groups of girls. In that circular version of an elevator pitch, what do I say to them? What do I know?

The question of how to instil confidence into girls is one that’s been in the news today, thanks to comments by Miriam González Durántez, who cited it as the biggest issue for girls underachieving. (She’s right – though its cause is cultural, not biologically predetermined.) And indeed, one girl in my group said quietly, “I’m not very confident in myself.”

Ah, time to let her in on a secret or two:

1. Most of the women you see in public are nothing like as confident as they look – or not any of the ones you might want to be (Margaret Thatcher never had a moment’s self-doubt). But most public women are plagued by a sense that they don’t really deserve to be there – someone will find them out and send them back to where they belong. I’m amazed by the apparently bold women who step off a platform or from the panel on Question Time and whisper to you nervously, “Was I OK?” Never the men, who don’t dare let their guard down.

2. When you doubt you’re good enough, just look at the men/boys around you and ask what it is they’ve got that you haven’t – except an inborn sense of entitlement? Nervous new female MPs only need run their eye along the green benches of mediocre men to feel more than equal. Women in public are judged more harshly – but they judge themselves too harshly too.

3. Most people are pretending most of the time to be more confident and more certain of themselves and their opinions than they really are. Fake it. Pretending, you end up fooling yourself that you really are strong. Young women are often afraid of public speaking, but making presentations is part of most successful jobs now. It’s a fear barrier you need to break through – and the only way is by doing it over and over again, even if your hand shakes and your voice squeaks. It used to petrify me for years. I’ll never be an orator, but anyone can learn to get up and speak. Schools should make sure students do it all the time: American kids are fearless, but sadly the former education secretary Michael Gove dropped English GCSE oral exams.

4. Care most about what you want to do, not what people think. If you keep your eye on the work, confidence comes from doing the best you can.

5. Some people will hate you the minute you put your head above the parapet – women are attacked 10 times more than men. Twitter trolls will try to take you down. Most women – the sympathetic ones – have thinner skins than most men; but you can care too much what others think. The only cure is ganging up with other women and defending one another, drawing strength in numbers. Women’s friendships see them through – something competitive men are often bad at.