Blake Lively or Gwyneth Paltrow: who is queen of the lifestyle market?
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Version 0 of 1. This week, Lost In Showbiz urges you first to steel your nerves by taking strong drink, then to accompany it once more into the increasingly fraught universe of the celebrity lifestyle website. These, you will remember, are the means by which Hollywood superstars, struggling to get by on a paltry few million a year, attempt to supplement their meagre earnings by selling essential goods to the general public at affordable prices: in the case of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, a set of four monogrammable dinner napkins for a thrifty $236; in the case of Blake Lively’s Preserve, the gentleman’s Garage Newport Isaac Pant – essentially a pair of tracksuit bottoms with the crotch dangling attractively around the knees – for $150. That might seem a touch steep when George at Asda does tracksuit bottoms for less than a tenner, but the Garage Newport Isaac Pant comes complete with a large leather patch: handy protection, given that wearing the Garage Newport Isaac Pant brings with it the risk that complete strangers will feel impelled to kick you in the knackers. Regular readers of this column may recall the last time we visited this strange and fantastic world, where people write things such as “we believe that nurturing a better tomorrow upholds the yesterday we cherish for all of us” in order to flog you a jar of pickles for 11 quid. Competition for the attention of people willing to pay $236 for four serviettes – what’s technically known as the lucrative “dongbag market” – was hotting up. Since then, however, it has grown hotter still: metaphorically speaking, the Fringe And Fettle Noodle Bowl ($34 plus postage and packing) is veritably boiling over with rivalry. First to strike was the pretender to the throne, the upstart Preserve. Its celebrity host Blake Lively fell pregnant, an event announced on the site in characteristic style. “With a new baby on the way there is so much to do! There are presents to open, onesies to dye, there is cake to serve, advice to be shared and all around celebration to be had.” That isn’t, strictly speaking, how Lost in Showbiz remembers pregnancy – its overriding recollection is of nine months spent rigid with terror at its wife’s hormonally driven mood swings, which meant that the simplest of queries (“Is this Location Location Location a repeat?”) could somehow, bafflingly, lead to a night spent sleeping on the sofa. But let us not chastise Blake Lively and her self-styled “group of determined hearts with a force of passion, talent and integrity” at Preserve for celebrating, for here is not merely a child, but a marketing opportunity: hasten to the Preserve website for your Fantastic Little Fox coat (ages 12 months to four years) at $160 and Bamboosa Long-Sleeved Baby Onesie at $52. Pausing only to register surprise that among the expectant mums’ “advice to be shared”, no one said “whatever you do, don’t spend $52 on a baby’s onesie, it’s only going to end up quite literally covered in shit”, Lost in Showbiz says: first blood drawn by Preserve! On the ropes, but unbowed, Goop came out swinging. Last week it revealed its secret weapon in the battle for the hearts and minds of idiots everywhere: the arrival of a celebrity psychic. A celebrity psychic! That sound you can hear is Lost in Showbiz’s stereo, cranked up to 10 and blasting out Rockin’ All Over the World as it dances around the room, punching the air in celebration. It confesses it was hoping for an appearance from its old mate Intuitive Heart Healer, Awakened Warrior and Enlightened Master Blaire Allison, reportedly employed earlier this year to smooth the passage of the old conscious uncoupling with her patent technique of “communicating with animals, angels, fairies, archangels, star beings, and those who have crossed over”. Alas, no, but the incumbent’s pretty special. “LA-based intuitive” Jill Willard “does not refer to herself as a psychic thanks to ‘woo-woo’ and negative connotations”. A psychic with no woo-woo! Lost In Showbiz pronounces itself delighted at this victory for common sense: you always hear too much about the whole woo-woo side of psychics, don’t you? They hog the headlines from the other kind of psychic, who deal not in woo-woo but hard facts, their powers entirely legitimate, confirmed by rigorous scientific testing. Strictly entre-nous, Lost in Showbiz thinks some of the woo-woo ones might just be making it all up, but it likes the cut of Jill Willard’s jib: she spends nearly 3,000 words banging on about chakras, while elsewhere bemoaning those who “negatively co-create our growth, evolution and life experience by a heavily outdated belief system”. Ignoring the prating voices who say it’s a bit rich to start lambasting outdated belief systems while talking to the spirits like the Witch of Endor, Lost in Showbiz says: she sounds like a great signing. Fifteen all. But while you or I might respond to the challenge laid down by LA-based intuitive Jill Willard by getting our own medium on board – Lost in Showbiz expects Psychic Sally Morgan might be looking for new openings after that unfortunate business with her husband homophobically abusing and threatening the guy who questioned her ability to contact the dead – the determined hearts of Preserve are made of stronger stuff. They know that blue-sky thinking is what’s called for to hasten the dongbag massive back to their side. Hence the winding sucker-punch to Goop that is their latest fashion spread, the Allure Of Antebellum, which seeks to “evoke an unparalleled warmth and authenticity in style and tradition … the magic below the Mason-Dixon … acknowledging women with an inherent social distinction”. Of course, some were quick to point out that the main social distinction of those below the Mason-Dixon was that they were white supremacists who kept slaves. Lost in Showbiz can only shake its head in response. Fairly obviously, the determined hearts of Preserve knew that, but understandably chose instead to concentrate on the important issue here: didn’t they have nice hats (similar style available in our web shop, $335)? Reeling from the impact of that kind of original thinking, what will Goop come up with in response? Steeling its nerves by means of taking more strong drink, Lost in Showbiz can barely wait to find out. |