Stoke City 1-0 Newcastle: Premier League – as it happened

http://www.theguardian.com/football/live/2014/sep/29/newcastle-v-stoke-city-premier-league-live

Version 0 of 1.

10.05pm BST22:05

Newcastle – I can exclusively reveal – are an extremely unimpressive side. They were OK in midfield – areas where it doesn’t really matter, in other words – but very poor in attack and worrying in defence, where even Stoke (who were not great, but at least showed some potential) were licking their lips at times, and a better side would have had the knife and fork out and tucked right in.

I’m not a big fan of constant managerial rotation, but it does seem that Alan Pardew has been given plenty of rope now. That’s a 2014 record of P25 W5 D4 L16, with a total of 19 goals scored, which is more than just a poor run of form. Today they had one shot on target, a long-range drive from a full-back. It’s nowhere near good enough.

Incidentally, here’s Peter Crouch on his Birdie-song celebration: “My mate’s a Geordie and that’s one of his moves, so he said it was OK if I scored so long as I did the dance.”

That’s all from me. Thanks for being here. Bye!

9.54pm BST21:54

Final score: Stoke 1-0 Newcastle

90+5 mins: Which is eventually worked to Janmaat, whose cross is headed clear. And with that, the whistle goes!

9.53pm BST21:53

90+4 mins: Newcastle have a promising throw-in, 20 seconds to go …

9.52pm BST21:52

90+3 mins: Stoke are up to their old tricks, winning a throw-in deep in Newcastle’s half.

9.52pm BST21:52

90+2 mins: Dummett floats the ball straight out of play, and the cameras cut to Mike Ashley. He seems to be smiling, in a gently enigmatic way. I was even tempted to compare him to the Mona Lisa for a moment, but on second thoughts it seemed a little wrong.

9.50pm BST21:50

90+1 mins: Stoke’s run of set pieces as the fourth official holds up his board, which has a big number four on it. Obertan gets down the right again, crosses low again, and fails to beat Begovic again.

9.49pm BST21:49

90 mins: As Stoke try to keep possession on the right, rather than swing the corner into the box, Tioté fouls Bardsley. Another set piece.

9.48pm BST21:48

89 mins: Crouch wins a throw-in, and then Arnautovic wins a corner, as Stoke seek to use up the remaining minutes, with the ball in play for as little of them as possible.

9.46pm BST21:46

87 mins: Obertan gets down the right again – he’s looked promising since coming on – but Begovic claims the cross.

9.46pm BST21:46

86 mins: Newcastle’s corner, as with so many this evening, ends with a Stoke attack. For a moment it looked extremely promising, but Ireland’s pass to Arnautovic is poorly paced, and then he runs into the nearest defender.

9.45pm BST21:45

86 mins: Newcastle have a certain amount of wind in their puny little sails, and Ameobi’s shot is deflected behind for a corner.

9.44pm BST21:44

85 mins: Colback’s head is still in his hands, 90 seconds later.

9.43pm BST21:43

84 mins: Newcastle hit the bar! Obertan crosses from the right and the ball hits Colback in the thigh and falls kindly, and he turns and strikes it left-footed from six yards, but can’t hit the target!

9.42pm BST21:42

83 mins: It’s not been a terrible game, but the quality in the last few minutes has been pretty atrocious.

9.41pm BST21:41

82 mins: Stoke substitution: Victor Moses is coming off, and Oussama Assaidi is coming on.

9.40pm BST21:40

80 mins: Now Bardsley, who still hasn’t been booked, fouls Tioté and Newcastle have another set-piece … which is tapped to Sissoko so badly that the Stoke wall very nearly reaches the ball first.

9.38pm BST21:38

78 mins: … From which the ball is cleared to Moses, and Arnautovic is on the half-way line – an early pass and he was clean through! But the pass isn’t particularly early, and by the time it comes Arnautovic is in Newcastle’s half and offside.

9.37pm BST21:37

78 mins: Still, goals aren’t impossible. Newcastle have a corner, and you never know.

9.36pm BST21:36

77 mins: The game is now entering a scrappy spell, as Newcastle start to realise that they aren’t going to score, and Stoke start to realise they no longer need to.

9.34pm BST21:34

74 mins: A final Newcastle substitution sees Cabella come on, and Sissoko trot off.

9.33pm BST21:33

73 mins: Krul is now being booed for being mean to Crouch. “If I remember my Crayolas correctly, the blue color on the Newcastle kit is somewhere between ‘Indigo’ and ‘Midnight Blue’, which might be Alan Pardew’s theme song tonight,” writes Mark Freeman. I didn’t realise we’d moved on to the blue. Still on the green, Simon A Roberts adds: “I’ve just spent 10 minutes trying to find that shade of green in Newcastle’s kit. It certainly is an unusual colour – well spotted. Having converted HEX to CMYK to Pantone, Pantone has no match. The Newcastle club shop doesn’t even bother naming the colours so, I propose a new name for this colour: (Alan Pardew’s) Sick As A Dog Face in the Morning If They Lose This Game.” Or (AP)saadfitmitltg for short.

9.31pm BST21:31

71 mins: Crouch is fairly clearly pulled back by Williamson in the penalty area – only momentarily, but he either pulled him or he didn’t; you don’t have to kick someone for an extended amount of time to concede a free-kick – but when it’s not given Krul comes out to shout at him.

Updated at 9.43pm BST

9.29pm BST21:29

70 mins: I’ve enjoyed watching Muniesa today. He’s just given the ball away fairly hopelessly, but even then he did it with some style. Surely the Stoke left-back spot is his for a little while now.

9.27pm BST21:27

67 mins: Substitution for Newcastle: Gouffran is replaced by Obertan.

9.26pm BST21:26

67 mins: It was actually Glenn Whelan who was booked a couple of minutes ago, meaning that Bardsley’s inevitable booking is something we still have to look forward to.

9.25pm BST21:25

66 mins: Newcastle, having always looked ripe for the on-the-break picking, are now pushing a few more people forward, making them even riper for the on-the-break picking. I don’t think this match is going to end 1-0.

9.24pm BST21:24

64 mins: Bardsley has been booked, partly for doing something I didn’t see to someone, but mainly just because.

9.23pm BST21:23

64 mins: Good run by Ireland, good pass to Ireland, bad cross from Ireland.

9.22pm BST21:22

62 mins: Terrible miss by Moses! Crouch tries to play him in with a backheel flick, fails because it lands at the feet of Janmaat instead, but then he plays the ball to Moses anyway, and suddenly he’s got the ball, eight yards from goal, with nobody but Krul anywhere near him! He kicks the ball straight at Krul.

9.20pm BST21:20

61 mins: At which, Stoke bring Ireland on for Adam. Charlie, it was an incredible 15 minutes.

Updated at 9.30pm BST

9.19pm BST21:19

60 mins: Cissé is booked for being fractionally late on Charlie Adam, who is playing as if determined to get his name into as many MBM updates as humanly possible.

9.17pm BST21:17

57 mins: Williamson fouls N’Zonzi and should really have been booked, but wasn’t. Adam has another shot, which would have curled into the far, top corner had Krul not been standing right there.

9.16pm BST21:16

56 mins: Adam’s on the attack again, trying to beat Coloccini and burst into the penalty area. The thing is, he hasn’t got the pace to simply sprint past Coloccini, and he doesn’t have the trickery to beat him with fancy footwork, so he just pushes the ball past him and tries to wrestle him out of the way. I used to try that, back in the day, and it didn’t work any better for me. Free kick.

9.14pm BST21:14

54 mins: “You’re getting sacked in the morning!” trill the home fans, as Charlie Adam’s shot from 20 yards is charged down.

Updated at 9.19pm BST

9.11pm BST21:11

50 mins: “I’m confused. You have told me that Newcastle look very poor but Chris Waddle told me several times during the first half that Newcastle were dominating the match. Who am I supposed to believe?” asks JR. They may well have had the better of the possession stats, but only because Stoke were trying the whole rope-a-dope thing before surging away on the break. I feel they’ve been in some vague semblance of control of the game. Waddle’s wrong.

9.08pm BST21:08

48 mins: Stoke hit the post! They pump the free-kick into the penalty area from the left, and while it’s just cleared from Crouch’s path it falls straight to Arnautovic, whose first-time effort is excellent but slams the meat of the post before bouncing clear.

9.07pm BST21:07

48 mins: Ironic cheers from the home fans as their side get awarded a free-kick, Muniesa being fouled by Sissoko.

9.04pm BST21:04

Peeeeeeeeeeeeep!

46 mins: And Stoke get the second half under way, with a massive throw-in-winning hoof down the right wing.

9.04pm BST21:04

The second half is about to begin, and Newcastle are bringing Cissé on, and hooking Rivière!

8.55pm BST20:55

This is an ear-friendly cover version. Cibelle’s got a nicer voice than Kermit.

24 - Newcastle have lost their last 24 Premier League games in which they've been trailing at half-time. Mountain.

Updated at 8.57pm BST

8.51pm BST20:51

Inevitable Newcastle-related essential half-time listening dept:

Updated at 8.51pm BST

8.50pm BST20:50

Half-time: Stoke 1-0 Newcastle

40+4 mins: The first half is over. Newcastle look really very poor, and are playing as if desperate to be ripped to shreds on the counter-attack, which even Stoke are hinting at doing. “The Newcastle strip looks ominously like the shade of green sported by Dipsy from the Teletubbies,” writes Mark Dougherty. It’s true, it is approximately Dipsy.

Updated at 8.50pm BST

8.47pm BST20:47

45+2 mins: I should point out that Newcastyle’s strip is not grey and green, but blue and green. It’s still definitely part-green though, that hasn’t changed..

8.46pm BST20:46

45+1 mins: We’re into stoppage time, of which we’ll have four minutes! Stoke start it off with a rubbish Charlie Adam corner.

8.45pm BST20:45

45 mins: Oooooh! Moses wooshes to the byline and pulls back, but Crouch just fails to get a big toe to the ball at the near post.

8.44pm BST20:44

44 mins: Shot! Janmaat stings Begovic’s palms with a low, hard long-range thunderbolt.

8.43pm BST20:43

43 mins: Which ends with Stoke breaking, and Crouch fluffing a vaguely promising situation. Goal kick.

8.43pm BST20:43

43 mins: A prolonged period of Newcastle not being good enough to attack and Stoke not being good enough to break.

8.38pm BST20:38

38 mins: Stephen Cooper says Newcastle’s green is aqua, and Emre Kocagil thinks it’s mint ice cream. I’m not sure either is quite right. It’s vaguely kermit, I’d say. Anyway, Cabella’s cross is just cleared before Sissoko could volley it into the roof of the net, and nothing comes from the corner.

8.36pm BST20:36

36 mins: Stoke basically look all set to such Newcastle forward and then play on the break, unusually perhaps for a home team but Newcastle seem absolutely ripe for it.

8.35pm BST20:35

35 mins: Oooooh! Muniesa crosses towards N’Zonzi, but Williamson just managed to get his eyebrows to the ball first.

8.34pm BST20:34

33 mins: The last time Newcastle came back from a goal down to win was on Boxing Day last year … against Stoke. Which is promising. Of course, Newcastle’s comeback was aided by the fact that that Stoke had two men sent off before they managed to equalise, but still.

8.31pm BST20:31

31 mins: And here’s Peter Crouch’s celebration. Is this the new robot dance?

Updated at 8.32pm BST

8.29pm BST20:29

29 mins: Here’s that Newcastle kit in full. Colour experts: does this precise shade of green have a name?

8.27pm BST20:27

27 mins: … And Victor Moses leads a smart break, which ends with Crouch blazing wide of the near post.

8.27pm BST20:27

26 mins: Another Newcastle free-kick from the flanks, this one won and taken by Colback. It’s another poor one, though Stoke make an absolute mess of clearing it not once, nor even twice, but three whole times, before Sissoko gives it away.

8.24pm BST20:24

24 mins: “Shouldn’t Crouch be booked for that celebration?” asks JR in Illinois. “I have no idea what he was doing but I’m pretty sure it has incited me.”

8.23pm BST20:23

23 mins: To add injury to injury, Diouf is now coming off for Stoke, with Arnautovic replacing him.

8.22pm BST20:22

21 mins: Not a penalty! Stoke break from that free-kick, their move ending when Gouffran totally takes out Moses in the penalty area. The referee doesn’t give the penalty, his assistant – very well placed – doesn’t like it either, but it looked a bit rum to me.

8.20pm BST20:20

20 mins: Newcastle win a free-kick on the left, which Stoke aren’t very chuffed about, but no matter, it’s wasted.

8.19pm BST20:19

17 mins: “Did you say that Newcastle are playing in grey and green? It sounds a most unlikely combination for a football kit,” writes Charles Antaki. I did. “I suppose I could dig around on the internet and see what it looks like, but why not indulge your creative powers and paint us a picture? Conor MacNamara has just mildly registered his disapproval of it on the radio, so my interest is piqued.”

I can do my best. The front of their shirt is split vertically into halves, with one half dark grey, and the other approximately the green of little gem lettuce. A little lighter than pea, but perhaps a shade darker than iceberg. The sleeves are grey, with a little flash of green just for the last inch or two, and even then only on the outside. The back of their shirts are entirely grey, and the shorts entirely little gem. How’s that?

EDIT: Everything I described here as being grey is in fact dark blue. Sorry.

Updated at 8.41pm BST

8.16pm BST20:16

GOAL! Stoke 1-0 Newcastle (Peter Crouch, 15 mins)

Moses gets the ball on the left again, and this time checks onto his right foot and curls in a cross which is heading straight to Coloccini’s forehead until the moment that Crouch appears from behind him, flies over the top and heads perfectly into the corner!

Updated at 8.59pm BST

8.14pm BST20:14

14 mins: A Newcastle attack ends with Cabella’s through-ball playing in both Riviere and Colback, who are basically running into each other when the former shoots wide.

8.13pm BST20:13

13 mins: Victor Moses takes on Janmaat. He twists one way, he twists the other, he knocks the ball out of play and goes down hoping he might get a free kick for his troubles. He doesn’t.

8.12pm BST20:12

12 mins: Who exactly is Alan Pardew thumbs-upping here? Were people actually cheering him, or does he just thumbs-up before every match? These are the big questions of the evening so far.

8.09pm BST20:09

9 mins: Meanwhile at the other end, Rivière wins a free-kick on the right, but Colback’s free-kick is useless and flies waist-high at the nearest defender.

8.09pm BST20:09

8 mins: Peter Crouch is an absolute legend of the flick-on. I think he’s nodded on every long hoof from the keeper thus far, and there have already been a few. Too far from goal to be of any great danger, but it’s a promising sign.

8.07pm BST20:07

7 mins: The ball has just been inside a penalty area. Janmaat with the cross for Newcastle, easily headed clear.

8.06pm BST20:06

6 mins: Charlie Adam is receiving extended treatment to the right knee department. Crouch is also hobbling a bit, as a result of an unpunished studs-up Tioté challenge.

8.05pm BST20:05

4 mins: A high-tempo bluster-packed opening to this one. Still awaiting significant incident, sadly.

8.00pm BST20:00

Peeeeeeeeeeeep!

1 min: Newcastle, wearing grey and green, get the match started, and Tioté concedes the evening’s first free-kick nine seconds later.

8.00pm BST20:00

Here’s the traditional Gary Naylor pre-match tweet.

@Simon_Burnton "Marvellous" is still on the i-player. Nobody should miss it - enough to make you love Stoke City. Almost...

Marvellous, a drama based on Stoke kitman Neil Baldwin, is free for all (UK-based people) to see here. Baldwin was introduced to the fans a few minutes ago, to great acclaim. An unlikely superstar.

7.57pm BST19:57

The players are now out of the tunnel, and doing the handshakes and huddles and things.

7.57pm BST19:57

The players are in the tunnel, poised for football. Meanwhile, here’s a picture from a little earlier – good to see the stewards so keen to assist with anti-Pardew banner placement.

7.46pm BST19:46

It’s raining hard in Stoke tonight, but Mike Ashley has avoided any wally-with-a-brolly potential by arriving without anti-precipitation shielding device.

7.35pm BST19:35

Alan Pardew has been chatting to Sky:

We know we’ve got some options on the bench now, particularly Papiss Cissé. I think prior to the Southampton game we deserved more than we got, and played reasonably well. The Southampton game was obviously nowhere near good enough. And since then we’ve shown resiliance. You need to be battle hard in this division, and we’re learning early that we have to dig deep and fight. Me? I was born battle hard, so it comes naturally to me. It’s been tough, because you want the fans to be behind you. Obviously they’re questioning everything I do at the moment, which is understandable.

And Mark Hughes has also been chatting to Sky:

It’s still early days, we’re two home games in, so we fully anticipate we’re going to get back on track, hopefully this evening. We’ve always been historically strong here, and we all feel comfortable that at some point we’re going to get back to winnings ways here. Newcastle have had a little bit of uplift in the last few games, but it’s up to us to take the game away from them.

7.32pm BST19:32

So Newcastle are unchanged from their last league game, when they drew 2-2 against Hull. Stoke make a single change, dropping Pieters and bringing in Muniesa, who scored a couple of goals in the Capital One Cup in the meantime.

7.13pm BST19:13

The teams!

Tonight’s teams are in, and they look like this:

Stoke: Begovic, Bardsley, Shawcross, Wilson, Muniesa, Whelan, Nzonzi, Diouf, Adam, Moses, Crouch. Subs: Pieters, Huth, Ireland, Arnautovic, Assaidi, Bojan, Sorensen. Newcastle: Krul, Janmaat, Williamson, Coloccini, Dummett, Tiote, Colback, Sissoko, Cabella, Gouffran, Riviere. Subs: Anita, Cisse, Elliot, Obertan, Steven Taylor, Ameobi, Armstrong. Referee: Craig Pawson.

7.00pm BST19:00

“He’s got one more game,” Ashley said. “If we lose against Stoke on Monday night then he’s gone. I have had enough.”

Making a throat-cutting gesture, Ashley added: “Dead. Finished. Over. One more game then that’s it. What would you do? I have spent a lot of money on that club, it’s cost me a lot. I won’t put up with it any more. Honestly, answer me, what would you do? One more loss and he’s gone, he’s over, finished.

[snip] Ashley’s lawyer on Friday night added: “[snip] Mr Ashley was ‘humouring’ your reporter.”

So read the Independent’s big story on Friday night. And so, here we are. Will Ashley be honouring Pardew’s contract, or was he humouring the Independent’s scribe? Time will tell, though of course if Newcastle win tonight and set off on a record-busting run of excellence it might keep this particular “what if” a secret. Form – in the shape of one win in 13 league matches straddling last season and this, nine of them lost – suggests that’s unlikely, though Stoke are also having a bit of early-season yips. For all the headline wins at Manchester City, Mark Hughes’ men have yet to win at home except in the Capital One Cup against Portsmouth which doesn’t count, and have indeed already lost at the Britannia against both Leicester and Aston Villa, both games ending 1-0.

So Stoke have this scoring-at-home thing …

0 - Stoke City are the only team yet to score a home goal in the Premier League this season. Messy.

And Newcastle – in addition to all the other things, obviously – have this playing-on-a-Monday thing …

4 - Newcastle have lost their last four Premier League games played on a Monday, conceding 12 goals in the process. Blue.

In other words, it’s all terrible and we’re within an hour or so we’re all going to be chewing our elbows with boredom. And in my experience, it’s normally these games that are the really good ones. Strap yourselves in, world.