Tom Allen: how a homophobic rant led me to come out in my standup act

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2014/aug/06/tom-allen-homophobic-slur-led-me-to-come-out-standup

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I've come a long way in being honest about my sexuality onstage. When I first started doing comedy, I wasn't out. It was implied and, to be honest, I have no doubt anyone who watched me could tell I was gay. That being said, I've never wanted my sexuality to be the only thing I talk about: there's more to a person than what they get up to in the bedroom. As a good comic you want to take audiences on a tour of your whole house, not just one room.

Now I find myself much more driven to talking about being gay – not in a way that fits some stereotype, but rather in a manner that is truthful about my own experience. And I still get homophobia shouted out – "None of the other acts talked about being straight!" – when, of course, the other acts did mention their wives and husbands. At the end of the day, all you've got is your own perspective.

Comedy is about talking about who you really are, and your insecurities. And, yes, that sounds very worthy. But for me, the best bits in comedy are when a comic says something and you, at the back of the audience, think: "Yes! That's me too – I thought I was the only one!"

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It was one of my first dates and, as discussed, it went well and we ended up kissing. We were in Soho. I remember being shaken up by someone shouting out of a car window; it's very threatening, as well as humiliating, especially when it's something you've been scared about bringing out into the open anyway.

It was only over a pizza on the Holloway Road in North London the following day, as I told a friend about what had happened, and she started laughing and telling me how hilarious it was – they sounded so bizarre – that I realised maybe this could be the best way to handle it. That night, I told the story in all its details onstage in Cardiff and the audience went with it. I like to think that was because, somewhere along the line, they've had a similar experience and were glad to have someone find a way of triumphing over it. Maybe.

It worked every time I performed it until I started to become too confident; it lost vulnerability, and the element of surprise and shock waned. That's the strange dichotomy about comedy – you have to be confident in your self, confident enough to make a room full of people believe you're worth listening to, but at the same time you have to be honest enough that people will identify and want to come with you. Laughing is a very exposing, defenceless thing to do, so you have to be a bit vulnerable onstage to let them know it's OK.

• Tom Allen is in Life/Style is at The Stand until 24 August.

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