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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
|---|---|
| Scottish independence referendum debate: the drinking game! | Scottish independence referendum debate: the drinking game! |
| (about 20 hours later) | |
| This week's Scottish independence debate doesn't really need to happen. At this late stage, voters haven't just made up their minds, but entrenched their opinions so deeply that nobody – not even Robbie Coltrane or David Bowie – can possibly hope to shift it. What's more, the arguments for and against independence have all been repeated so many times that we all know what they're both going to say on the night anyway. Alex Salmond and Alistair Darling aren't going to win over anybody new by slugging it out behind a couple of knackered old podiums. | This week's Scottish independence debate doesn't really need to happen. At this late stage, voters haven't just made up their minds, but entrenched their opinions so deeply that nobody – not even Robbie Coltrane or David Bowie – can possibly hope to shift it. What's more, the arguments for and against independence have all been repeated so many times that we all know what they're both going to say on the night anyway. Alex Salmond and Alistair Darling aren't going to win over anybody new by slugging it out behind a couple of knackered old podiums. |
| So with this in mind, the debate is realistically only good for one thing: for politicians to churn out the same, weary old cliches. So we're turning it into a drinking game! Simply follow the rules below and enlightenment, of some description at least, will be yours. | So with this in mind, the debate is realistically only good for one thing: for politicians to churn out the same, weary old cliches. So we're turning it into a drinking game! Simply follow the rules below and enlightenment, of some description at least, will be yours. |
| Alex Salmond | Alex Salmond |
| Down a shot of whisky every time he: • Mentions his disappointment that David Cameron isn't there.• Uses the term "defining moment".• Accuses Darling of running out of arguments.• Mentions the success of the Commonwealth Games.• Goes a bit purple.• Makes a desperately hamfisted attempt at charm, and you involuntarily shudder.• Says "Trident".• Shouts "Trident" (two shots)• Claims that an independent Scotland will be £5bn better off a year.• Quotes Robert Burns. | Down a shot of whisky every time he: • Mentions his disappointment that David Cameron isn't there.• Uses the term "defining moment".• Accuses Darling of running out of arguments.• Mentions the success of the Commonwealth Games.• Goes a bit purple.• Makes a desperately hamfisted attempt at charm, and you involuntarily shudder.• Says "Trident".• Shouts "Trident" (two shots)• Claims that an independent Scotland will be £5bn better off a year.• Quotes Robert Burns. |
| Alistair Darling | Alistair Darling |
| Down a shot of Pimm's every time he: • Points out that many Yes-endorsing celebrities don't even live in Scotland.• Uses the term "uncertain future".• Looks helpless and stuffy.• Accuses Salmond of running out of arguments.• Coughs the phrase "a bit shit" whenever Salmond mentions the Commonwealth Games.• Goes a bit grey.• Deliberately fails to mention Gordon Brown by name during a question about Gordon Brown.• Makes a threat about withdrawing the pound and briefly looks a bit like the Demon Headmaster.• Claims that an independent Scotland will be £8bn worse off a year.• Quotes Shakespeare. | Down a shot of Pimm's every time he: • Points out that many Yes-endorsing celebrities don't even live in Scotland.• Uses the term "uncertain future".• Looks helpless and stuffy.• Accuses Salmond of running out of arguments.• Coughs the phrase "a bit shit" whenever Salmond mentions the Commonwealth Games.• Goes a bit grey.• Deliberately fails to mention Gordon Brown by name during a question about Gordon Brown.• Makes a threat about withdrawing the pound and briefly looks a bit like the Demon Headmaster.• Claims that an independent Scotland will be £8bn worse off a year.• Quotes Shakespeare. |
| The audience | The audience |
| Down as much Scottish ale as you can bear if an audience member:• Shouts a statement instead of a question, and nobody knows quite how to respond to it.• An audience member talks for a full minute without actually getting to the point of their question.• A question is met with exactly equal parts boos and cheers.• The camera picks up a shot of a mute audience member nodding their head so violently that it looks like they're trying to dislodge a wasp from their sinuses.• A question begins with, "What I really want to know is …"• A question begins with, "Why should we have to …?"• A question begins with, "As a mother …"• A woman is initially addressed as a man, or vice versa.• The camera accidentally picks up a shot of someone trying to squeeze in a cheeky nap. | Down as much Scottish ale as you can bear if an audience member:• Shouts a statement instead of a question, and nobody knows quite how to respond to it.• An audience member talks for a full minute without actually getting to the point of their question.• A question is met with exactly equal parts boos and cheers.• The camera picks up a shot of a mute audience member nodding their head so violently that it looks like they're trying to dislodge a wasp from their sinuses.• A question begins with, "What I really want to know is …"• A question begins with, "Why should we have to …?"• A question begins with, "As a mother …"• A woman is initially addressed as a man, or vice versa.• The camera accidentally picks up a shot of someone trying to squeeze in a cheeky nap. |
| History | History |
| Drink a Drambuie whenever anyone mentions:• Hadrian's wall.• The battle of Bannockburn.• The battle of Dunbar.• The West Lothian question.• Robert the Bruce.• The Scottish devolution of 1999.• The gunpowder plot.• The Jacobites. | Drink a Drambuie whenever anyone mentions:• Hadrian's wall.• The battle of Bannockburn.• The battle of Dunbar.• The West Lothian question.• Robert the Bruce.• The Scottish devolution of 1999.• The gunpowder plot.• The Jacobites. |
| Social media | Social media |
| A mouthful of Irn-Bru whenever: • Someone on Twitter mocks moderator Bernard Ponsonby's name.• Someone posts a photograph of Salmond and Darling together, and captions it "Bodger and Badger".• Someone makes a "mass debate" joke so clumsy and ill thought-through that you end up muting them.• Everyone starts fixating on an attractive audience member instead of anything that Darling or Salmond say.• A celebrity blurts out a stupid opinion, and then refers to anyone who disagrees with them as a "troll".• Someone gets angry and demands to know why we aren't all tweeting about Gaza.• Someone Autotunes a bungled statement and gets it online before the end of the debate.• Someone attempts to revive the #Highlander hashtag from Question Time a month ago, and then sulks when nobody joins in.• A funny, badly-spelled tweet by a racist is retweeted, laughed at and attacked by so many people that you actually end up feeling quite bad for the racist. | A mouthful of Irn-Bru whenever: • Someone on Twitter mocks moderator Bernard Ponsonby's name.• Someone posts a photograph of Salmond and Darling together, and captions it "Bodger and Badger".• Someone makes a "mass debate" joke so clumsy and ill thought-through that you end up muting them.• Everyone starts fixating on an attractive audience member instead of anything that Darling or Salmond say.• A celebrity blurts out a stupid opinion, and then refers to anyone who disagrees with them as a "troll".• Someone gets angry and demands to know why we aren't all tweeting about Gaza.• Someone Autotunes a bungled statement and gets it online before the end of the debate.• Someone attempts to revive the #Highlander hashtag from Question Time a month ago, and then sulks when nobody joins in.• A funny, badly-spelled tweet by a racist is retweeted, laughed at and attacked by so many people that you actually end up feeling quite bad for the racist. |
| Salmond and Darling: the Debate, 5 August, 8pm, STV (Scotland only). Viewers elsewhere can watch online with the STV player |