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I’m having sex with a colleague, but does that mean we’re in a relationship? I’m having sex with a colleague, but does that mean we’re in a relationship?
(about 4 hours later)
The dilemma For the past few weeks my colleague and I have been having sex at his home and mine. We are both in long-term relationships, but mine is long distance. We’ve worked together for seven years and have been the best of friends. A month ago he invited me to his place to watch movies. We kissed and had sex the same night and the next morning we went to work as if nothing had happened. From then on we’ve had sex on a regular basis. It feels more like a relationship, yet we have not discussed it. I’m so scared of asking him what we are doing… could this be a relationship or just friends with benefits?Mariella replies If you don’t know, how am I supposed to? It’s always surprising how much of ourselves we’re willing to give away before we’re even at first base in the communication stakes. Maybe we’re not so evolved after all, as we seem far more comfortable sharing our bodies than the thoughts produced by the sparking synapses between our ears. You say you’ve been the “best of friends” for seven years and still, even with sex added to the mix, you can’t bring yourself to ask him for his thoughts on where the relationship is headed. Two grown adults having consensual sex, and yet the prospect of frank disclosure about whether what’s going on between you is more than a convenient layover is too scary? That doesn’t bode well for your present friendship, let alone prospects for a future relationship. The mainstay of any healthy union is communication. You can overcome a host of obstacles from lack of libido to infidelity, money issues to parenting challenges, but only if you have the ability to honestly share your feelings and your doubts. If you can’t establish the ground rules for your liaison how do you expect it to evolve into something of substance? Also confusing me is that you haven’t mentioned what you want from this affair. Are you dumping the entire responsibility into your lover’s lap? Have you given any thought to how you’d like things to progress? My guess is that you are afraid to ask him because you already know the answer and hearing it means you might have to make a choice. As long as you both remain involved in other relationships, what you’re having is an affair and unlikely to bring about lasting union (though it’s always a possibility). Even if this liaison does lead to something more enduring, continuing to deceive your current partners is a risky base on which to build a new relationship. Romances that begin in a miasma of secrets and lies tend to end up in the same place, even if it takes decades to come to that inevitable conclusion. You appear to be taking a rather passive approach to your own destiny. Embarking on a new relationship or discarding an old one are choices that need to be made with informed consideration, not by simply abandoning yourself to the dating equivalent of pass the parcel. Begin by asking yourself some questions, the first of which should be why your current partner leaves you looking for more. If it’s the geographical distance then try to resolve that instead of flinging yourself into the arms of a colleague. If your feelings for your partner are on the wane then why not give yourself a fresh start? Not by slipping from one to the other, but by initiating the logical end of one relationship and the possible beginnings of another. On the other hand, if your feelings for this colleague are substantial and reciprocated then you both need to tidy up loose ends, in this case the partners you are deceiving. Millions of years after we crawled out of the primordial swamp you’d think we’d punctuate our actions with thought. It’s hard not to be struck by how intimate we’re prepared to be physically with fellow humans with whom we have no intimacy. With thought before action we could steer our lives better, and be less likely to stray on to the wrong course. Love may be irresistible but it is not blind. We should stop pretending to be helpless in its grip. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1 The dilemma For the past few weeks my colleague and I have been having sex at his home and mine. We are both in long-term relationships, but mine is long distance. We’ve worked together for seven years and have been the best of friends. A month ago he invited me to his place to watch movies. We kissed and had sex the same night and the next morning we went to work as if nothing had happened. From then on we’ve had sex on a regular basis. It feels more like a relationship, yet we have not discussed it. I’m so scared of asking him what we are doing… could this be a relationship or just friends with benefits?Mariella replies If you don’t know, how am I supposed to? It’s always surprising how much of ourselves we’re willing to give away before we’re even at first base in the communication stakes. Maybe we’re not so evolved after all, as we seem far more comfortable sharing our bodies than the thoughts produced by the sparking synapses between our ears.
You say you’ve been the “best of friends” for seven years and still, even with sex added to the mix, you can’t bring yourself to ask him for his thoughts on where the relationship is headed. Two grown adults having consensual sex, and yet the prospect of frank disclosure about whether what’s going on between you is more than a convenient layover is too scary? That doesn’t bode well for your present friendship, let alone prospects for a future relationship.
The mainstay of any healthy union is communication. You can overcome a host of obstacles from lack of libido to infidelity, money issues to parenting challenges, but only if you have the ability to honestly share your feelings and your doubts. If you can’t establish the ground rules for your liaison how do you expect it to evolve into something of substance?
Also confusing me is that you haven’t mentioned what you want from this affair. Are you dumping the entire responsibility into your lover’s lap? Have you given any thought to how you’d like things to progress? My guess is that you are afraid to ask him because you already know the answer and hearing it means you might have to make a choice. As long as you both remain involved in other relationships, what you’re having is an affair and unlikely to bring about lasting union (though it’s always a possibility). Even if this liaison does lead to something more enduring, continuing to deceive your current partners is a risky base on which to build a new relationship.
Romances that begin in a miasma of secrets and lies tend to end up in the same place, even if it takes decades to come to that inevitable conclusion. You appear to be taking a rather passive approach to your own destiny. Embarking on a new relationship or discarding an old one are choices that need to be made with informed consideration, not by simply abandoning yourself to the dating equivalent of pass the parcel.
Begin by asking yourself some questions, the first of which should be why your current partner leaves you looking for more. If it’s the geographical distance then try to resolve that instead of flinging yourself into the arms of a colleague. If your feelings for your partner are on the wane then why not give yourself a fresh start? Not by slipping from one to the other, but by initiating the logical end of one relationship and the possible beginnings of another.
On the other hand, if your feelings for this colleague are substantial and reciprocated then you both need to tidy up loose ends, in this case the partners you are deceiving. Millions of years after we crawled out of the primordial swamp you’d think we’d punctuate our actions with thought. It’s hard not to be struck by how intimate we’re prepared to be physically with fellow humans with whom we have no intimacy. With thought before action we could steer our lives better, and be less likely to stray on to the wrong course. Love may be irresistible but it is not blind. We should stop pretending to be helpless in its grip. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1