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| Forget penalties, here are five better ways to decide who wins the World Cup | |
| (21 days later) | |
| I'm not a football guy. I've never supported a club, I've never taken part in any game other than a jumpers-for-goalposts kickabout and I'm reasonably sure that a replica kit would bring me out in hives. But it's for these reasons that I can bring a fresh perspective to the beautiful game because I'm not hidebound by the received wisdom that imprisons longtime football fans. | I'm not a football guy. I've never supported a club, I've never taken part in any game other than a jumpers-for-goalposts kickabout and I'm reasonably sure that a replica kit would bring me out in hives. But it's for these reasons that I can bring a fresh perspective to the beautiful game because I'm not hidebound by the received wisdom that imprisons longtime football fans. |
| So how to solve football's biggest problem? No, not the alleged Fifa payola. Nor the occasional bouts of impulsive cannibalism. I speak, of course, of the penalty shootout. | So how to solve football's biggest problem? No, not the alleged Fifa payola. Nor the occasional bouts of impulsive cannibalism. I speak, of course, of the penalty shootout. |
| Penalty shootouts are no way to settle a tournament. At an international level, no one's going to miss a target 7.32 metres wide. Penalty shootouts are instead more a test of how well a magic sponge man can palm a couple of beta blockers to a nervous sweeper than actual footballing skill. | Penalty shootouts are no way to settle a tournament. At an international level, no one's going to miss a target 7.32 metres wide. Penalty shootouts are instead more a test of how well a magic sponge man can palm a couple of beta blockers to a nervous sweeper than actual footballing skill. |
| With that in mind, here are some suggestions that would make the outcome of a crucial game fairer, more exciting and in some cases more beneficial to society as a whole. | With that in mind, here are some suggestions that would make the outcome of a crucial game fairer, more exciting and in some cases more beneficial to society as a whole. |
| 1. General knowledge quiz | 1. General knowledge quiz |
| Premier League footballers are among the most admired people in Britain. Young boys especially regard the top players as role models, but what if we introduced a pub quiz round to tied games? Imagine what that would do for scholarship nationwide. Imagine the hours that are currently squandered on keepy-uppies being spent watching QI. Imagine, too, the sound of a packed stadium urging their team to remember the title of The Dream of Gerontius. Jeremy Paxman's not busy. I bet he'd referee. | Premier League footballers are among the most admired people in Britain. Young boys especially regard the top players as role models, but what if we introduced a pub quiz round to tied games? Imagine what that would do for scholarship nationwide. Imagine the hours that are currently squandered on keepy-uppies being spent watching QI. Imagine, too, the sound of a packed stadium urging their team to remember the title of The Dream of Gerontius. Jeremy Paxman's not busy. I bet he'd referee. |
| 2. Dance-off | 2. Dance-off |
| Long gone are the days when all Premier League footballers shared that one Phil Collins CD. Players such as Daniel Sturridge and Leighton Baines have shattered the stereotype with some admirable music selections on the away game bus. Derby defender Shaun Barker runs a music blog that's better than yours. Combine that with a professional soccer player's evident athleticism and you've got the makings of a killer dance-off. I'm not tempted to pay upwards of £200 just to see some blokes kick a ball around, but Peter Crouch doing the robot? Now that's a show. Throw in a merger with Strictly Come Dancing and you've got a sport that could unite the entire nation. | Long gone are the days when all Premier League footballers shared that one Phil Collins CD. Players such as Daniel Sturridge and Leighton Baines have shattered the stereotype with some admirable music selections on the away game bus. Derby defender Shaun Barker runs a music blog that's better than yours. Combine that with a professional soccer player's evident athleticism and you've got the makings of a killer dance-off. I'm not tempted to pay upwards of £200 just to see some blokes kick a ball around, but Peter Crouch doing the robot? Now that's a show. Throw in a merger with Strictly Come Dancing and you've got a sport that could unite the entire nation. |
| 3. Bake-off | 3. Bake-off |
| Same as above, only with cupcakes. No one would be diving in the penalty area if they had a showstopper bake in their hands. And while seeing Mary Berry romantically linked with a top player by the red-tops might be an unrealistic hope, certainly a few post-match social engagements in the company of the matriarch of the mixing bowl could only be a positive influence on some of the more wayward players. Furthermore, baking would turn overspecialised footballers into more rounded individuals, more capable of coping with life once the invitations to model pants start drying up. Which brings me to … | Same as above, only with cupcakes. No one would be diving in the penalty area if they had a showstopper bake in their hands. And while seeing Mary Berry romantically linked with a top player by the red-tops might be an unrealistic hope, certainly a few post-match social engagements in the company of the matriarch of the mixing bowl could only be a positive influence on some of the more wayward players. Furthermore, baking would turn overspecialised footballers into more rounded individuals, more capable of coping with life once the invitations to model pants start drying up. Which brings me to … |
| 4. Swimming gala | 4. Swimming gala |
| While I'm sure it's only a minority of football supporters who are attracted by the sleek, finely honed physiques of these sporting thoroughbreds, the level of hullaballoo generated by ad campaigns featuring David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo or the entire Italian national side suggest that it's a sizable minority, and one that shouldn't be ignored. And what's better than one egregiously objectified sportsman in his pants? Yes, 22 of them. In Speedos, dripping wet. Swimming is not only a great test of overall physical fitness, it's a good way to cool off if you find yourself playing football somewhere entirely unsuitable, such as Qatar. | While I'm sure it's only a minority of football supporters who are attracted by the sleek, finely honed physiques of these sporting thoroughbreds, the level of hullaballoo generated by ad campaigns featuring David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo or the entire Italian national side suggest that it's a sizable minority, and one that shouldn't be ignored. And what's better than one egregiously objectified sportsman in his pants? Yes, 22 of them. In Speedos, dripping wet. Swimming is not only a great test of overall physical fitness, it's a good way to cool off if you find yourself playing football somewhere entirely unsuitable, such as Qatar. |
| 5. Gender-neutral tag team challenge | 5. Gender-neutral tag team challenge |
| This isn't as much a suggestion to decide tied games more fairly as a ruse to tip the balance in England's favour. Matches that get much past the hour mark without a goal often degrade into excess caution, where playing for a draw is seen as preferable to pushing forward and being caught on the break. Add in the fact that tired players have been running for six or seven miles by the end of a game and you have a recipe for deadlock. But what if they only had to play for 45 minutes and then each national side had to bring on its women's team for the second half? Because England's women are actually pretty good. Bring that rule in and we could even win something. | This isn't as much a suggestion to decide tied games more fairly as a ruse to tip the balance in England's favour. Matches that get much past the hour mark without a goal often degrade into excess caution, where playing for a draw is seen as preferable to pushing forward and being caught on the break. Add in the fact that tired players have been running for six or seven miles by the end of a game and you have a recipe for deadlock. But what if they only had to play for 45 minutes and then each national side had to bring on its women's team for the second half? Because England's women are actually pretty good. Bring that rule in and we could even win something. |