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World Cup commentators: your fantasy lineup World Cup commentators: your fantasy lineup
(about 1 hour later)
The World Cup is a tournament of enormous glory and wrenching failure. This stretches to television coverage of the matches as well as the matches themselves. And, even though we're less than a week into the competition, BBC Sport has already experienced plenty of both.The World Cup is a tournament of enormous glory and wrenching failure. This stretches to television coverage of the matches as well as the matches themselves. And, even though we're less than a week into the competition, BBC Sport has already experienced plenty of both.
On the plus side, thanks to his dual ability to wear a cardigan and speak in full sentences, Thierry Henry has emerged as the breakout star of the tournament. But there are losers too, in the shape of Jonathan Pearce and Phil Neville. Pearce's spectacular inability to grasp the fundamental machinations of FIFA's new goal-line technology during last night's match between France and Honduras has already seeped into legend, dooming him to a lifetime of being known as He Who Is Baffled By All New Things, and Neville's style of commentary – think a water-damaged Satnav running out of power midway through a long discussion about carbon monoxide suffocation – hasn't exactly endeared him to fans either. On the plus side, thanks to his dual ability to wear a cardigan and speak in full sentences, Thierry Henry has emerged as the breakout star of the tournament. But there are losers too, in the shape of Jonathan Pearce and Phil Neville. Pearce's spectacular inability to grasp the fundamental machinations of Fifa's new goal-line technology during last night's match between France and Honduras has already seeped into legend, dooming him to a lifetime of being known as He Who Is Baffled By All New Things, and Neville's style of commentary – think a water-damaged satnav running out of power midway through a long discussion about carbon monoxide suffocation – hasn't exactly endeared him to fans either.
While Pearce and Neville would make a great buddy-cop movie – Neville could disarm criminals by monotonously droning on about the offside rule until they lose the will to live, while Pearce stands outside yelling, "Goodness me! Stop changing your mind! Are you open or closed?" at an automatic door – they doesn't necessarily make for a particularly great commentary team. The question is, though, who would be better? Who'd be your fantasy World Cup commentators?While Pearce and Neville would make a great buddy-cop movie – Neville could disarm criminals by monotonously droning on about the offside rule until they lose the will to live, while Pearce stands outside yelling, "Goodness me! Stop changing your mind! Are you open or closed?" at an automatic door – they doesn't necessarily make for a particularly great commentary team. The question is, though, who would be better? Who'd be your fantasy World Cup commentators?
Admittedly, figuring this out takes a lot of narrowing down. Perhaps you already have a perfect commentator in mind. Perhaps it's Clive Tyldesley, who – by simple virtue of the fact that he's not Jonathan Pearce or Phil Neville – is playing a blinder on ITV. Perhaps you want him to do all the matches, regardless of which channel it's on. This is unlikely because, well, it's Clive Tyldesley.Admittedly, figuring this out takes a lot of narrowing down. Perhaps you already have a perfect commentator in mind. Perhaps it's Clive Tyldesley, who – by simple virtue of the fact that he's not Jonathan Pearce or Phil Neville – is playing a blinder on ITV. Perhaps you want him to do all the matches, regardless of which channel it's on. This is unlikely because, well, it's Clive Tyldesley.
Would you bring back peak-era John Motson, from before he started to lose his iron grip on matches? Would you draft in commentators from other sports, like Murray Walker and Richie Benaud, to see if they could lend their insight to a different discipline? Perhaps you'd like one of South America's exuberant, raw-throated football commentators to join the BBC and have their wisdom relayed to us via a calm translator working on a two-second delay.Would you bring back peak-era John Motson, from before he started to lose his iron grip on matches? Would you draft in commentators from other sports, like Murray Walker and Richie Benaud, to see if they could lend their insight to a different discipline? Perhaps you'd like one of South America's exuberant, raw-throated football commentators to join the BBC and have their wisdom relayed to us via a calm translator working on a two-second delay.
Although, since we're talking about a fantasy commentator, why not ditch the sporting aspect of it altogether? Back in Euro 2012, the cast of CBBC provided an alternative red-button commentary for one of the matches and, while it offered precisely zero useful information, it was endlessly entertaining. So let's take this to its logical conclusion – let's have fictional characters commentate on the World Cup. Gerard Butler's character from 300, bellowing his lines like he's trying to be heard over the sound of an exploding planet. Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch. KITT from Knight Rider. That sort of thing.Although, since we're talking about a fantasy commentator, why not ditch the sporting aspect of it altogether? Back in Euro 2012, the cast of CBBC provided an alternative red-button commentary for one of the matches and, while it offered precisely zero useful information, it was endlessly entertaining. So let's take this to its logical conclusion – let's have fictional characters commentate on the World Cup. Gerard Butler's character from 300, bellowing his lines like he's trying to be heard over the sound of an exploding planet. Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch. KITT from Knight Rider. That sort of thing.
Or, failing that, maybe we could just tweak the existing line-up. Switch Gary Neville for Phil Neville and Robot Wars Jonathan Pearce for World Cup Jonathan Pearce. That way we'd have passion, insight and no end of descriptions for any self-righting mechanisms that the players may or may not have. That'd be better than nothing, right?Or, failing that, maybe we could just tweak the existing line-up. Switch Gary Neville for Phil Neville and Robot Wars Jonathan Pearce for World Cup Jonathan Pearce. That way we'd have passion, insight and no end of descriptions for any self-righting mechanisms that the players may or may not have. That'd be better than nothing, right?