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How to watch television 2.0 From hatewatching to twin-screening: how to watch television in 2014
(about 5 hours later)
HatewatchingHatewatching
To gain pleasure from watching bad TV, usually while tweeting your scorn. You know it's ruinous guff and adds nothing to the human experience, but you can't miss an episode. In fact you're more likely to clear your schedule for this junk than something you actually like because you want to hate it at the same time as everyone else, and not on catch-up.To gain pleasure from watching bad TV, usually while tweeting your scorn. You know it's ruinous guff and adds nothing to the human experience, but you can't miss an episode. In fact you're more likely to clear your schedule for this junk than something you actually like because you want to hate it at the same time as everyone else, and not on catch-up.
Side-castsSide-casts
Now all the biggest shows have endless bolt-ons dedicated to discussing the main attraction – even Springwatch. Strictly It Takes Two Extra Factor Thronecast Talking Dead Get Me Out Of Here Now. With dramas like Game Of Thrones this works well, but it's hard to find anything to analyse in the tissue-thin contents of a pretendy talent contest judged by inarticulate hate cyphers.Now all the biggest shows have endless bolt-ons dedicated to discussing the main attraction – even Springwatch. Strictly It Takes Two Extra Factor Thronecast Talking Dead Get Me Out Of Here Now. With dramas like Game Of Thrones this works well, but it's hard to find anything to analyse in the tissue-thin contents of a pretendy talent contest judged by inarticulate hate cyphers.
Twin-screeningTwin-screening
The eyeballs of the modern viewer now dart reflexively between social media device and the actual television screen they're supposed to be watching. TV producers will one day loop every scene twice so that twin-screeners can follow a story without wearing out their pause buttons.The eyeballs of the modern viewer now dart reflexively between social media device and the actual television screen they're supposed to be watching. TV producers will one day loop every scene twice so that twin-screeners can follow a story without wearing out their pause buttons.
NotchingNotching
You haven't the inclination to watch The X Factor. So notch it instead! During the broadcast, turn your TV off and simply read the tweets of those actually tuning in instead. Click on the requisite hashtag and watch the twin-screeners frantically committing their opinions to the air, safe in the knowledge you'll never have to see Simon Cowell's talking face ever again.You haven't the inclination to watch The X Factor. So notch it instead! During the broadcast, turn your TV off and simply read the tweets of those actually tuning in instead. Click on the requisite hashtag and watch the twin-screeners frantically committing their opinions to the air, safe in the knowledge you'll never have to see Simon Cowell's talking face ever again.
Bad fanBad fan
The bad fan sets down impossible parameters for their enjoyment of a favourite programme. When programme-makers step outside these boundaries, the bad fan will flame them to hell and have a chat-room meltdown. The bad fan lives in a constant state of angry antici-pointment. The new Doctor Who is imminent but they already know it will be shit and they hated it before anyone else. OK?The bad fan sets down impossible parameters for their enjoyment of a favourite programme. When programme-makers step outside these boundaries, the bad fan will flame them to hell and have a chat-room meltdown. The bad fan lives in a constant state of angry antici-pointment. The new Doctor Who is imminent but they already know it will be shit and they hated it before anyone else. OK?
PrecapPrecap
A pithy 90-word taster in a TV guide (ahem) used to suffice. But now, entire YouTube channels are dedicated to frenzied, speculative pre-analysis of Game Of Thrones episodes no one's going to see for another year. Open your presents on Christmas morning, you chumps, and stop trying to be the first to think things all the time. You're spoiling your lives.A pithy 90-word taster in a TV guide (ahem) used to suffice. But now, entire YouTube channels are dedicated to frenzied, speculative pre-analysis of Game Of Thrones episodes no one's going to see for another year. Open your presents on Christmas morning, you chumps, and stop trying to be the first to think things all the time. You're spoiling your lives.
AdvoidingAdvoiding
The simple but satisfying practice of pressing pause as your favourite show begins and doing something useful for 10 minutes, allowing you to then fast-forward through the commercial breaks while still reaching the end credits around the same time as everyone else. Save time and stick it to The Man, commercially speaking.The simple but satisfying practice of pressing pause as your favourite show begins and doing something useful for 10 minutes, allowing you to then fast-forward through the commercial breaks while still reaching the end credits around the same time as everyone else. Save time and stick it to The Man, commercially speaking.
PlannuiPlannui
The sheer enervation felt when surveying the rows of series-linked shows on your DVR planner that you will never have time to watch. Daily Shows long since rendered untopical are crushed under the weight of unwatched True Detectives and all you can do is drool in front of another Friends repeat because it's easier than exerting an actual choice. You don't deserve this technology.The sheer enervation felt when surveying the rows of series-linked shows on your DVR planner that you will never have time to watch. Daily Shows long since rendered untopical are crushed under the weight of unwatched True Detectives and all you can do is drool in front of another Friends repeat because it's easier than exerting an actual choice. You don't deserve this technology.
FanderingFandering
What nervy broadcasters are starting to do, now they can see viewers dissecting their shows on Twitter. Sherlock took this to the next level last series when actual Sherlock nerds became characters, speculating on how the detective survived that rooftop fall. A masterstroke of self-knowledge or a smuggy-pops step too far? It's the second thing.What nervy broadcasters are starting to do, now they can see viewers dissecting their shows on Twitter. Sherlock took this to the next level last series when actual Sherlock nerds became characters, speculating on how the detective survived that rooftop fall. A masterstroke of self-knowledge or a smuggy-pops step too far? It's the second thing.
TransmediaTransmedia
Depressing industry jargon referring to the telling of a story across several different media. For example, Australian crime drama Secrets & Lies dropped clues to help solve its crimes via social media. The concept ignores the fact that watching TV is largely (and happily) passive; sofa-bound slugs just want to be entertained while bitching about the quality of that entertainment. Nothing more, thanks.Depressing industry jargon referring to the telling of a story across several different media. For example, Australian crime drama Secrets & Lies dropped clues to help solve its crimes via social media. The concept ignores the fact that watching TV is largely (and happily) passive; sofa-bound slugs just want to be entertained while bitching about the quality of that entertainment. Nothing more, thanks.
Broadbandits/DownlocustsBroadbandits/Downlocusts
The minute a hot new show is aired on HBO, these vermin hoover it off an American server before you can say, "Have you paid for that?" and moments later announce they are already so over True Detective/Silicon Valley/etc that you may as well not bother watching it when it comes to the UK in three months' time.The minute a hot new show is aired on HBO, these vermin hoover it off an American server before you can say, "Have you paid for that?" and moments later announce they are already so over True Detective/Silicon Valley/etc that you may as well not bother watching it when it comes to the UK in three months' time.
Meta-vacuumMeta-vacuum
The advent of Gogglebox means that TV viewers are now the stars of their own show, watching TV while we watch them. Indeed, the Goggleboxers were recently shown watching themselves win a Bafta for best constructed reality show. This created a meta-vacuum into which all participants were sucked. They remain trapped inside their own TVs like General Zod in Superman, spinning in space forever.The advent of Gogglebox means that TV viewers are now the stars of their own show, watching TV while we watch them. Indeed, the Goggleboxers were recently shown watching themselves win a Bafta for best constructed reality show. This created a meta-vacuum into which all participants were sucked. They remain trapped inside their own TVs like General Zod in Superman, spinning in space forever.