For Father's Day, I'd like to make a complaint

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/13/for-fathers-day-complaint-men-moaners

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I have been sent a press release by a company called Avenge, which specialises in writing letters of complaint. It suggests its service as a Father's Day gift because, it says, British fathers are among the greatest complainers in the world, according to a survey of 13- to 18-year-olds, who claim their dads complain about everything from dog mess to supermarket queues.

I might apply to Avenge for a job – I can think of nothing more pleasurable than writing letters of complaint all day. Here's my sample application:

My dearest wife and children,

I am writing to point out a number of disappointing aspects to family life. I realise that a refund of time/money or even some compensatory vouchers are unlikely to be forthcoming, but I nevertheless feel that I have been shortchanged in a number of departments, and would at least appreciate an acknowledgement of this fact or failing that, a bottle of cheap wine or a pair of new underpants, size XL (with plenty of support).

First, I would like to address the question of blame. It is quite hard to work out the function of the father/husband in the 21st century, as most of us are unable to fight wars, go down pits or put up shelves. We have therefore been co-opted into the role of scapegoat. Perhaps it is just because I have four daughters – and even more pressingly, a wife – that I've become acutely conscious that I'm to blame for pretty much everything.

I do not object to this per se, largely for the reason that it is more or less true. However, it is philosophically untenable that I am responsible for all the bad things that happen. So, I would like you – yes, every one of you – to acknowledge, in writing, that sometimes – just sometimes – stuff is your fault too. It doesn't have to be anything specific. You don't even have to apologise. Just admit it. Go on.

Second, the stereotype – propagated by companies such as Avenge – that men, particularly older men such as me, are congenital moaners, is unfair and inaccurate. Of course, in suggesting this, I am essentially moaning, which is paradoxical, I grant you. But there is a difference between moaning and complaining. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I'm sure it is significant.

Third, what if I do moan? There's a lot to moan about. I always get brown meat on the chicken, and when I do finally remember to stack the dishwasher, do I get any credit? No, I do not. Yes, it may be true that I can't remember anyone's birthday, I'm bad at wrapping presents and I don't know the names of all my children's friends, or all my wife's for that matter, but that's not a hanging offence is it? There are more important things I do, such as … well, I'll come back to you on that one too, but when I do, you are going to be ashamed of yourselves.

Furthermore, I am often unfairly accused of dominating the TV control. I'm not saying it's not true, but it's more a foible than a fault, and I think you should forgive foibles. In fact, most of my faults are foibles. But does anyone admit this? No, they do not. It's all, fault, fault, fault. Never foible.

To sum up. I hope you will take this letter of complaint in the spirit of familial fellowship and goodwill in which it was intended. However, I do feel it is time for restitution of some sort. Perhaps a moratorium on comments such as "You're an idiot" or "I can't trust you with anything" or the word "Daaaad" pronounced in a whiny and generally antagonistic fashion. Just for a day or two. Or just for Father's Day, even.

I look forward to your reply, yours etc.

PS I should point out that if it's not satisfactory, I may complain.

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