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Football transfer rumours: Arsenal to sign Lorenzo Insigne? Football transfer rumours: Arsenal to sign Lorenzo Insigne?
(about 2 hours later)
It appears that, after a generation of sideways shuffling, Arsène Wenger has re-realised that people who run fast are handy to have in a football team, and accordingly, he’s trying to buy the Napoli winger Lorenzo Insigne, scorer of three whole goals last season. But the size of his offer did not sit right with the player’s current club president, Aurelio De Laurentiis, distraught at having to draw attention to himself once again. “Arsenal offers €20m for Insigne? This makes me laugh”, he said. “I want to make Insigne rise to a value of €60-70m”. “This would make us laugh”, everyone said, “if it wasn’t so depressing”. It appears that, after a generation of sideways shuffling, Arsène Wenger has re-realised that people who run fast are handy to have in a football team, and accordingly, he’s trying to buy the Napoli winger Lorenzo Insigne, scorer of three whole goals last season. But the size of his offer did not sit right with the player’s current club president, Aurelio De Laurentiis, distraught at having to draw attention to himself once again. “Arsenal offers €20m for Insigne? This makes me laugh”, he said. “I want to make Insigne’s rise to a value of €60-70m”. “This would make us laugh,” everyone said, “if it wasn’t so depressing”.
In other running around aimlessly news, Chelsea have refused Real Madrid’s approach for Ramires. Typically, José Mourinho is pretending to pretend that this is for footballing reasons rather than residual resentment and general pleasure in being difficult, while no one has the remotest what Carlo Ancelotti is about; when asked, he simply said “raised eyebrow”. Otherwise, Diego Costa, Filipe Luis and Thiago are moving from Atlético Madrid to Stamford Bridge, with offers also on the table for Juanfran, Miranda, Diego Godín, Raúl García, Gabi, Koke, Arda Turan, Atlético’s supporters, tea ladies and Azerbaijan land of fires.In other running around aimlessly news, Chelsea have refused Real Madrid’s approach for Ramires. Typically, José Mourinho is pretending to pretend that this is for footballing reasons rather than residual resentment and general pleasure in being difficult, while no one has the remotest what Carlo Ancelotti is about; when asked, he simply said “raised eyebrow”. Otherwise, Diego Costa, Filipe Luis and Thiago are moving from Atlético Madrid to Stamford Bridge, with offers also on the table for Juanfran, Miranda, Diego Godín, Raúl García, Gabi, Koke, Arda Turan, Atlético’s supporters, tea ladies and Azerbaijan land of fires.
Chelsea are also attempting to negotiate down the fee they’re to pay for Cesc Fábregas, in order to ensure that Arsenal do not receive a percentage of the fee. This splendid vindictiveness will no doubt cause consternation at the Emirates, given the altruistic manner in which good old Arsenal liberated the player from Barcelona when he was just 16.Chelsea are also attempting to negotiate down the fee they’re to pay for Cesc Fábregas, in order to ensure that Arsenal do not receive a percentage of the fee. This splendid vindictiveness will no doubt cause consternation at the Emirates, given the altruistic manner in which good old Arsenal liberated the player from Barcelona when he was just 16.
Arsenal plan to salve themselves by joining the plundering of Southampton. Though, like all humans, Bacary Sagna will be forever in thrall to the majesty of their cup success as a harbinger of future league titles, he is still leaving. So, they’d like replacement a right-back, with Calum Chambers viewed as “quality competition for Carl Jenkinson”. Whether this is intended as insult or irony remains unclear. Arsenal plan to salve themselves by joining the plundering of Southampton. Though, like all humans, Bacary Sagna will be forever in thrall to the majesty of their cup success as a harbinger of future league titles, he is still leaving. So, they’d like a replacement at right-back, with Calum Chambers viewed as “quality competition for Carl Jenkinson”. Whether this is intended as insult or irony remains unclear.
Elsewhere, and though they failed at it in January, Aston Villa hope to sign Wes Hoolahan from Norwich. Apparently, the installation of Roy Keane as Paul Lambert’s assistant will persuade him to force the issue, or, put another way, perhaps he suffers from a profound masochism, and Norwich is even more unfathomably awful than its reputation.Elsewhere, and though they failed at it in January, Aston Villa hope to sign Wes Hoolahan from Norwich. Apparently, the installation of Roy Keane as Paul Lambert’s assistant will persuade him to force the issue, or, put another way, perhaps he suffers from a profound masochism, and Norwich is even more unfathomably awful than its reputation.
Meanwhile, lovable QPR plan to become more lovable still; seduced by slowness, terrible form and all-round insubordination, they want to sign Rio Ferdinand. “It is feasible that in the coming weeks, perhaps even while I’m in South America, I’ll make a decision about the next stage in my career, and when that happens I’ll tell you about it”, wrote the player, adding the invention of the cliffhanging newspaper column to his long list of intellectual accomplishments. Little does he know that Phil Jagielka has already perfected the form. Meanwhile, lovable QPR plan to become more lovable still; seduced by slowness, terrible form and all-round insubordination, they want to sign Rio Ferdinand. “It is feasible that in the coming weeks, perhaps even while I’m in South America, I’ll make a decision about the next stage in my career, and when that happens I’ll tell you about it,” wrote the player, adding the invention of the cliffhanging newspaper column to his long list of intellectual accomplishments. Little does he know that Phil Jagielka has already perfected the form.
And finally for today, to Tottenham, where Mauricio Pochettino will “launch a swoop” for the Juventus striker Mirko Vucinic. The Mill takes no responsibility for any injuries sustained in imitation of this act.And finally for today, to Tottenham, where Mauricio Pochettino will “launch a swoop” for the Juventus striker Mirko Vucinic. The Mill takes no responsibility for any injuries sustained in imitation of this act.