Going into business with friends has driven us apart
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Version 0 of 1. The dilemma My husband and I have fallen out with our best friends and it's causing a nightmare. It started when my friend and I decided to set up a business. She was initially very keen, and as we had some disposable income I invested money in setting up the company, paying for web design and so on. After letting me spend a few thousand pounds she suddenly decided to take a great job offer elsewhere and not to continue the business partnership with me. I know I can't do it alone and so my money is wasted and I feel badly betrayed. We had a major row, both said some pretty nasty things and then our husbands got involved and now no one is speaking. The worst thing is our kids have grown up together and our daughters are best friends and we're part of a close-knit social group, so it's making everyone's lives a misery. What to do? Mariella replies Oh my, that's a conundrum. Like all arguments, it's ever so easy to make a judgment from the outside and really difficult to see the wood from the trees when you're in the thick of it. How sad, would be my first observation, that not two but four grown adults can't muster the communication skills to resolve this dilemma. I appreciate how badly done by you feel: your friend has squandered your money and proved herself to be totally unreliable. Obviously revealing those qualities to you is going to change your opinion of her for the long term, but does it need to make you sworn enemies? I'm sure most of us could find some gaping flaws in the characters of our close pals and they could do likewise. You don't become mates because you meet a perfect human being but because you enjoy a chemistry with them. You must feel she has some good qualities otherwise you wouldn't have wanted to start a business with her in the first place. How about trying to remember what those were? While you're focusing on her character you might also want to consider the qualities that first got you interested in taking your friendship a step further into a business partnership. Whatever it was she had to offer it doesn't sound like it was funding, or organisational skills, so I'm a little puzzled why you can't move ahead without her. There are plenty of people out there who have a skill set to complement your own, so instead of making this an all-or-nothing defeat, how about resurrecting your business plan with some hired help? The good thing about an employee is that you don't have to meet them for play dates; you just have to focus on the day-to-day technicalities of starting a company. I'm sure there is nothing nicer than embarking on a project with a pal but unfortunately most situations involving money do become complicated at some point or other. If you'd turned into Facebook, you'd no doubt be in the courts battling against share percentages. The old adage encouraging us not to mix business with pleasure has to have its roots in reality. There's often wisdom to be found in those old wives' tales and the clichés our grannies like to quote! Ultimately I am going to give you a bit of a lecture in priorities. There are people starving in this world and children just down the road who don't have enough love or enough to eat. Falling out as an adult with someone you've shared history and happiness, trials and tribulations with is just not worth the energy it takes to preserve the enmity. Maybe I'm just lazy but when I think about what it takes to fuel a feud I can't muster the adrenaline let alone the rage. Imagine what your daughters are thinking and what example you are setting them. Friends can be irritating beyond measure, they can let you down and shock you in bad ways as well as surprise you in good ways but ultimately they're simple human beings, as prone to making mistakes as we all are. In my lifetime I've seen the Northern Ireland peace agreement change lives, watched Baltic nations learn to co-exist and witnessed neighbours who used to kill each other in Beirut transform their city into a cosmopolitan metropolis. Not to diminish your current state of discord but in the face of all those glorious triumphs for mankind of negotiation and compromise, surely you four can sit down and work out a way to forgive and forget – or at least return to cordial relations. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1 |