Mind your manners: a timely guide to social media

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2014/jun/07/mind-your-manners-guide-social-media

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Don't refer to any picture that happens to have a person in it as a 'selfie'

How the term "selfie" changed its meaning from "a picture you have taken of yourself" to "a picture" is unclear, but probably has to do with desperate politicians descending on vaguely trendy terms like a flock of down-with-the-kids vultures. It must stop. If we cannot keep the ancient and true meaning sacred, what hope have we as a society?

Fave wisely, and well

Facebook or Instagram likes, Twitter favourites: every social network worth its salt has an equivalent of the digital fist bump. It might seem like a simple system – see something you like, like it – but it is in fact a roiling hellpit of potential misunderstandings and barely decipherable codes.

Beyond even the perennial problem with the word "like"("Sadly our beloved cat Gerald passed away last night." "LIKE!!!!"), the problem with these pings of acknowledgment is that it's unclear what it's acknowledging. On Twitter, faves can act as bookmarks, backpats, parting handshakes, quiet agreement, omens of future blackmail and (naturally) endless flirtatious glances.

The pinnacle is the hate-fave, which is like a warning glance cast between rival suitors across a Regency-era royal court. "I'm watching you," it says. "I saw what you did and revenge will come to you when you least expect it." Hate-faves are great, but you don't want anybody thinking you're hate-faving them when you were actually trying to flirt.

Don't subtweet, and forgive those who subtweet against you

This is the noble art of tweeting about someone without including their name – in effect, talking behind their back in plain sight. It's the internet equivalent of a disapproving aunt at a wedding, loudly observing that some people just can't conduct themselves properly, and we all know where the blame for that lies.

The perfect subtweet is one that has every reader silently fretting that it's about them, yet remains ambiguous enough that nobody dares ask if they were the target. It's the You're So Vain of social media. Unfortunately, most subtweets do not rise to these heights: they're petty bitching and infuriatingly vague gossip-fodder. And we all know where the blame for that lies.

Chill out a bit with the goddamn #hashtags

Introduced by early Twitter users to discover tweets on specific topics, they rapidly spread to many other social networks. At first, useful; now, #annoying. Whether it's politicians hoping that lots of #hardworkingfamilieswhoplaybytherules will have a Twitter search set up specifically for messages targeted at them, or #motivational #speakers who want to #inspire #positivity with pictures of #sunsets, they invariably mark the user out as a bit of a #cockwomble.

Don't LinkIn

If Twitter is a lively, rambunctious public salon and Facebook a warm gathering of friends and family, LinkedIn is a group of dead-eyed, sharp-elbowed junior executives in the bar of an airport Novotel at 2am after a conference, slapping themselves on the back while scanning their peers for signs of weakness. Imagine being trapped in that discussion on The Apprentice about what their team name should be, for ever. "Ascend!" "Zenith!" "Dominate!" "Evisceration!" "Widowmaker!" That's LinkedIn.

Don't covet retweets

Picture yourself at a dinner party, and judging how well a joke went down not by whether anybody laughed, but whether people turned round and shouted the joke word for word at the person sitting next to them. That would be a terrible party. The same applies to Twitter.

Don't let your knee jerk, no matter how twitchy it feels

The internet and social media function as outrage factories, supplied with the bare minimum of facts as raw material. The internet can progress from "look at this adorable picture of a kitten" to "DID YOU HEAR DAVID CAMERON IS PLANNING TO PRIVATISE KITTENS PLEASE SHARE AND SPREAD THE OUTRAGE" staggeringly quickly. The reason is that mobs are fun to be a part of and flaming torches bathe everybody in a warming, flattering glow. But you'll be left with the realisation that you called somebody a Nazi because you saw a picture of a sad kitten on Facebook.

Don't tell other people what to do on social media

One thing worse than people on the internet is people on the internet telling other people on the internet they're being people on the internet wrong. It's the internet! It's built on principles of freedom! A safe space where people can be who they want! Honestly: do whatever makes you happy, even if it breaks these rules. But lose the hashtags.

• Tom Phillips is a senior writer at Buzzfeed