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| The Joy of Six: tales from the Guardian and Observer’s World Cup diaries | The Joy of Six: tales from the Guardian and Observer’s World Cup diaries |
| (about 4 hours later) | |
| 1) The dynamic plan to stop Brazil (1982) | 1) The dynamic plan to stop Brazil (1982) |
| Before the start of the second group stage at the 1982 World Cup, the Italy manager Enzo Bearzot had convinced himself there was only going to be one winner of the competition. “Brazil are the only team with at least 16 stars, and no weaknesses,” the sharp-dressed, white-blazered, pipe-chugger announced. “They are by far the best and they will win the cup just as easily as they did in 1958. I had considered West Germany as the other finalists, but after seeing the German and English teams I feel England will make it.” Within a week, England were ousted by the Germans and Italy had done for the Brazilians. Magnificent football manager, Bearzot, but not much of a Nostradamus. | |
| Still, could you blame him? Everyone had been chattering excitedly about the Brazilians from the get-go. Kenny Dalglish of Scotland had become so fed up of being asked in every press conference for his opinions of Tele Santana’s side that he developed a pat, deadpan response: “I think he’s a great player.” A cracking zinger, albeit in retrospect one that would have worked a little better had the Ipswich striker Alan Brazil done more in the competition than setting up one goal against New Zealand. | |
| But it was the USSR, not Scotland, who had to face Brazil first. Their manager Konstantin Beskov had played up front for the Dynamo Moscow team which had memorably toured Britain in 1945 for a series of friendlies. In their match against Rangers at Ibrox, Dynamo decided to bring on a substitute at half time. Brazenly, in front of 92,000 witnesses, they didn’t bother taking anyone off. It was only when winger Torry Gillick beat a man down the right, and realised he hadn’t clapped eyes on the chap before, that an impromptu tally was made. Twelve! Gillick informed the ref, and the lineups were levelled up. (Dynamo were also accused of pulling the same stunt in a typically post-war London pea-souper at Highbury. Although to be fair, it’s also alleged that Arsenal’s Reg Drury, upon being sent off, ignored the order, disappeared into the thick fog, and continued playing where the ref couldn’t see him. Nobody can claim any moral high ground here.) | But it was the USSR, not Scotland, who had to face Brazil first. Their manager Konstantin Beskov had played up front for the Dynamo Moscow team which had memorably toured Britain in 1945 for a series of friendlies. In their match against Rangers at Ibrox, Dynamo decided to bring on a substitute at half time. Brazenly, in front of 92,000 witnesses, they didn’t bother taking anyone off. It was only when winger Torry Gillick beat a man down the right, and realised he hadn’t clapped eyes on the chap before, that an impromptu tally was made. Twelve! Gillick informed the ref, and the lineups were levelled up. (Dynamo were also accused of pulling the same stunt in a typically post-war London pea-souper at Highbury. Although to be fair, it’s also alleged that Arsenal’s Reg Drury, upon being sent off, ignored the order, disappeared into the thick fog, and continued playing where the ref couldn’t see him. Nobody can claim any moral high ground here.) |
| Thirty-seven years later, the Guardian diary reported how Beskov had been mulling over ways for his Soviet team to deal with the outrageous skills of Falcao, Socrates, Zico et al. Completely stumped, and referencing that infamous match at Ibrox, he announced: “Perhaps I will try the same move against Brazil.” Of course, Beskov had the eyebrow raised, and was only having a little fun with the press corps. Brazil later beat the 11 honest and true gentlemen of the USSR 2-1. Mind you, who’s to say Beskov wouldn’t have chanced his arm and thrown on a 12th man had a meteorologically unlikely pea-souper enveloped Seville that night? You’d like to think he’d have given it a go. | Thirty-seven years later, the Guardian diary reported how Beskov had been mulling over ways for his Soviet team to deal with the outrageous skills of Falcao, Socrates, Zico et al. Completely stumped, and referencing that infamous match at Ibrox, he announced: “Perhaps I will try the same move against Brazil.” Of course, Beskov had the eyebrow raised, and was only having a little fun with the press corps. Brazil later beat the 11 honest and true gentlemen of the USSR 2-1. Mind you, who’s to say Beskov wouldn’t have chanced his arm and thrown on a 12th man had a meteorologically unlikely pea-souper enveloped Seville that night? You’d like to think he’d have given it a go. |
| 2) The endearing lunacy of Carlos Bilardo (1990) | 2) The endearing lunacy of Carlos Bilardo (1990) |
| Upon winning the 1986 staging, the players of Argentina decided to celebrate reaching the summit of world football with the immediate commencement of shouting, whooping, hollering, singing, jigging around in the carefree style, and the taking on board of sparkling liquids. But there would be no such instant giddy gratification for poor José Luis Brown, José Cuciuffo and Oscar Ruggeri. Argentina’s new world-champion back-line were collectively collared in the dressing room by manager Carlos Bilardo, who proceeded to deliver a lengthy in-depth lecture on matters pertaining to team shape and defensive rigour. “There I was, telling the boys we’ve got to sort out our problem with corners,” recalled Bilardo, four years later with a self-deprecating wince, Argentina having made a meal of winning that 1986 final by allowing West Germany strikers Karl-Heinz Rummenigge and Rudi Völler to net close-range efforts from set pieces. “I can’t help it.” | |
| Bilardo was reminiscing midway through the 1990 tournament, after which, he announced, he would quit as Argentina boss. He simply had to. “I can’t take it any longer,” he shrugged, explaining how he was wearing himself out as a direct consequence of his relentless management style. Bilardo’s incessant approach had been best illustrated at two social gatherings attended by his star player Diego and the Family Maradona. “At Maradona’s wedding,” reported crack diarist Robert Pryce, “Bilardo approached Silvia Brown, the wife of one of his centre-backs. ‘Get José Luis to take you on the dance floor and get as close as you can to [Maradona’s Napoli team-mate and Brazil forward] Careca,’ he said. ‘ I want to see how they compare in height.’ | Bilardo was reminiscing midway through the 1990 tournament, after which, he announced, he would quit as Argentina boss. He simply had to. “I can’t take it any longer,” he shrugged, explaining how he was wearing himself out as a direct consequence of his relentless management style. Bilardo’s incessant approach had been best illustrated at two social gatherings attended by his star player Diego and the Family Maradona. “At Maradona’s wedding,” reported crack diarist Robert Pryce, “Bilardo approached Silvia Brown, the wife of one of his centre-backs. ‘Get José Luis to take you on the dance floor and get as close as you can to [Maradona’s Napoli team-mate and Brazil forward] Careca,’ he said. ‘ I want to see how they compare in height.’ |
| “Another story tells of the time Bilardo saw Evita in company with the Maradonas. At one point in the show, five officers lined up on stage facing the audience. Bilardo turned to Diego. ‘That wall is a man short,’ he said. ‘Which side would you put the ball?’” Let’s be honest, you wish Bilardo, Maradona and Argentina had won that 1990 final now, don’t you. | “Another story tells of the time Bilardo saw Evita in company with the Maradonas. At one point in the show, five officers lined up on stage facing the audience. Bilardo turned to Diego. ‘That wall is a man short,’ he said. ‘Which side would you put the ball?’” Let’s be honest, you wish Bilardo, Maradona and Argentina had won that 1990 final now, don’t you. |
| 3) The enduring popularity of Alf Ramsey’s England (1970) | 3) The enduring popularity of Alf Ramsey’s England (1970) |
| Never mind defending their crown with the likes of Brazil, Italy and West Germany lurking about, regicide on their minds, on strict PR terms alone, the 1970 England World Cup squad faced one hell of a battle from the off. Most, if not all, of their image problem was the fault of the manager. Alf Ramsey was unquestionably a tactical genius, but his political worldview was as narrow as the manner in which he set up his teams. Calling the Argentina side “animals” during the 1966 World Cup ensured there would be lingering resentment when the competition shifted to the other side of the globe four years later. The Mexicans would have probably let that one slide, but Ramsey had since offended them personally, making a huge song and dance over the lack of a motorcycle escort for the team coach when England visited the country in 1969. Mexican back positions: up! | |
| Come the tournament, Sir Alfian tact was in similarly short supply. Unwilling to partake of the local cuisine, he ordered a bowel-bothering delivery of burgers and sausages from Findus, allowing the frozen food concern to bang on about their link to the England team in the media. Ramsey was subsequently stunned when insulted Mexican authorities slapped an import ban on English produce, just because. Cue the world’s biggest barbecue down at the docks, as the whole consignment was set alight by highly amused customs officers, presumably armed to the teeth with flamethrowers, ketchup dispensers and napkins. | Come the tournament, Sir Alfian tact was in similarly short supply. Unwilling to partake of the local cuisine, he ordered a bowel-bothering delivery of burgers and sausages from Findus, allowing the frozen food concern to bang on about their link to the England team in the media. Ramsey was subsequently stunned when insulted Mexican authorities slapped an import ban on English produce, just because. Cue the world’s biggest barbecue down at the docks, as the whole consignment was set alight by highly amused customs officers, presumably armed to the teeth with flamethrowers, ketchup dispensers and napkins. |
| England would be shown little respect in return thereafter, as reported in several of Ronald Atkin’s dispatches. Coming back from Bogata, and that incident with the bracelet, the nervous flyer Jeff Astle stumbled off the plane half cut, having taken the edge off with a few nippy sweeties. A local newspaper took the opportunity to brand England, in headline font, a shower of “drunks and thieves”. The lineup for their group game against Romania, as rendered by the Mexican journal El Heraldo, was a textbook study in deliberate, systematic disdain: “Gordon Brans, Robert Newton, Terrencer Cooper, Patrick Mullerey, Deslie Labone, Robert Moore, Francis H Lee, James Ball, Robert Charlton, Charles Hurst, Stanford Peters. Subs: James Writh and Leiter Osgood.” Mexican TV commentator ¨Ángel Fernández responded to Jairzinho’s winner for Brazil against Ramsey’s men with a cry of goooooooooool timed at 35 seconds. And when West Germany knocked the 1966 winners out, the Esto paper ran the gleefully brutal headline: “The champions are dead. Go home England.” | |
| “We were all a bit disappointed at the way the Mexican people received us,” frowned Jack Charlton upon the team’s return to Blighty. “They seemed to hate us and we didn’t know why. I’m going fishing. I’ve got a little boat, and I’m going to have a few pints. I will go on the boat and get stoned out of my mind.” | “We were all a bit disappointed at the way the Mexican people received us,” frowned Jack Charlton upon the team’s return to Blighty. “They seemed to hate us and we didn’t know why. I’m going fishing. I’ve got a little boat, and I’m going to have a few pints. I will go on the boat and get stoned out of my mind.” |
| 4) The expenses form that’d put modern football hacks to shame (1974) | 4) The expenses form that’d put modern football hacks to shame (1974) |
| Zaire didn’t have much of a time at the 1974 World Cup finals. The reigning African champions began by losing 2-0 to Scotland, then found out that officials from their own federation had siphoned off their wages and bonuses. Penury, losing to the Scots at a World Cup finals, none of it is particularly conducive to team morale. Cue 9-0 spanking at the hands of Yugoslavia. | Zaire didn’t have much of a time at the 1974 World Cup finals. The reigning African champions began by losing 2-0 to Scotland, then found out that officials from their own federation had siphoned off their wages and bonuses. Penury, losing to the Scots at a World Cup finals, none of it is particularly conducive to team morale. Cue 9-0 spanking at the hands of Yugoslavia. |
| This Zaire side is principally remembered these days for the humorous – on the face of it, anyway – incident against Brazil in their final match, when Mwepu Ilunga raced out from a defensive wall to batter the ball upfield as the opposition prepared to take a free-kick. Ho ho ho, though it’s probably a good idea to put oneself in Mwepu’s boots. After the Yugoslavian farce, enraged president-despot Mobutu Sese Seko ordered his players to pull their bloody socks up, and that if they lost to Brazil by more than three goals, then good luck trying to get back into the country. The scoreline, as the reigning world champions lined up the infamous free-kick with eight minutes left on the clock, was 3-0. Let’s face it: you’d try anything to put them off, too. | This Zaire side is principally remembered these days for the humorous – on the face of it, anyway – incident against Brazil in their final match, when Mwepu Ilunga raced out from a defensive wall to batter the ball upfield as the opposition prepared to take a free-kick. Ho ho ho, though it’s probably a good idea to put oneself in Mwepu’s boots. After the Yugoslavian farce, enraged president-despot Mobutu Sese Seko ordered his players to pull their bloody socks up, and that if they lost to Brazil by more than three goals, then good luck trying to get back into the country. The scoreline, as the reigning world champions lined up the infamous free-kick with eight minutes left on the clock, was 3-0. Let’s face it: you’d try anything to put them off, too. |
| (Mwepu later claimed he was protesting about the wages scandal, which was only resolved in 2011 when the players were awarded a $500 monthly stipend for the rest of their lives “for services rendered to the nation”. Two months’ worth of payments were made before the whole affair was quietly dropped. Either way, you can forgive the young man for flipping his lid.) | (Mwepu later claimed he was protesting about the wages scandal, which was only resolved in 2011 when the players were awarded a $500 monthly stipend for the rest of their lives “for services rendered to the nation”. Two months’ worth of payments were made before the whole affair was quietly dropped. Either way, you can forgive the young man for flipping his lid.) |
| Good to hear, then, that at least one visitor from Zaire enjoyed himself in West Germany that summer, and left WM74 with no financial worries hanging over his head. “In a country where the price of everything turns eating, washing and sleeping into gross self-indulgence, it is heartening to hear that one gentleman of the Zaire press refuses to stint himself,” reported Observer diarist Julie Welch. “No one who walks round his Dortmund hotel dressed in peacock gear could be condemned as a shrinking violet, but this chap has been making his mark, or rather spending it, in other ways. For a start, there was his phone call home. It lasted one and a quarter hours and cost a neat $800. Then there was the matter of the taxi. While other more cowardly souls have been consulting bus timetables and brushing up on their hitch-hiking, our man from Zaire rode to the stadium in style. Not the stadium in Dortmund, please note. He was heading for west Berlin, and from Dortmund that’s a matter of 400 miles.” | Good to hear, then, that at least one visitor from Zaire enjoyed himself in West Germany that summer, and left WM74 with no financial worries hanging over his head. “In a country where the price of everything turns eating, washing and sleeping into gross self-indulgence, it is heartening to hear that one gentleman of the Zaire press refuses to stint himself,” reported Observer diarist Julie Welch. “No one who walks round his Dortmund hotel dressed in peacock gear could be condemned as a shrinking violet, but this chap has been making his mark, or rather spending it, in other ways. For a start, there was his phone call home. It lasted one and a quarter hours and cost a neat $800. Then there was the matter of the taxi. While other more cowardly souls have been consulting bus timetables and brushing up on their hitch-hiking, our man from Zaire rode to the stadium in style. Not the stadium in Dortmund, please note. He was heading for west Berlin, and from Dortmund that’s a matter of 400 miles.” |
| A totally unrelated aside, seeing we’re on the subject of the 1974 World Cup. Here’s the legendary Observer television critic Clive James’s gloriously tasteless take on the opening ceremony in Munich. “World Cup coverage got off to a slow, peaceful start. Giant footballs burst open to reveal folk dancers, pipe bands, everything except Palestinian guerrillas.” Hats off to him for smuggling that bon mot past the desk. | A totally unrelated aside, seeing we’re on the subject of the 1974 World Cup. Here’s the legendary Observer television critic Clive James’s gloriously tasteless take on the opening ceremony in Munich. “World Cup coverage got off to a slow, peaceful start. Giant footballs burst open to reveal folk dancers, pipe bands, everything except Palestinian guerrillas.” Hats off to him for smuggling that bon mot past the desk. |
| 5) The demonising of Mexico’s star player (1986) | 5) The demonising of Mexico’s star player (1986) |
| Mexican fans were, providing the English weren’t in the immediate environs, in good spirits during the 1970 tournament. “A huge glass-fibre replica of a polka-dot football, mounted above the entrance to the Hotel Maria Isabel, Fifa’s HQ in Mexico City since the World Cup finals began, was stolen in the early hours by revellers celebrating Mexico’s victory over El Salvador,” reported David Lacey. “The ball, four feet in diameter, was eased from its moorings on the roof of the porch and rolled away in triumph down the Paseo de la Reforma at about 4am. It has not been seen since.” | |
| Sixteen years on, the team’s support had become a tad more world weary. The price people pay for supporting a better team, starring one of the best players in the world, and harbouring higher hopes. Hugo Sánchez of Real Madrid was Mexico’s star man, but he wouldn’t have much of a tournament. He scored in Mexico’s opening 2-1 win against Belgium, but was booked, and he picked up a second yellow card in the next match against Paraguay, for time-wasting as his side grimly held on to a one-goal lead. He’d miss the final group game, though that wasn’t the end of it. Paraguay equalised with five minutes to go. Then Sánchez won a soft last-minute penalty, going down outside the area – and missed it. | Sixteen years on, the team’s support had become a tad more world weary. The price people pay for supporting a better team, starring one of the best players in the world, and harbouring higher hopes. Hugo Sánchez of Real Madrid was Mexico’s star man, but he wouldn’t have much of a tournament. He scored in Mexico’s opening 2-1 win against Belgium, but was booked, and he picked up a second yellow card in the next match against Paraguay, for time-wasting as his side grimly held on to a one-goal lead. He’d miss the final group game, though that wasn’t the end of it. Paraguay equalised with five minutes to go. Then Sánchez won a soft last-minute penalty, going down outside the area – and missed it. |
| Sánchez, reported our diarist Peter Chapman, could be seen “morning noon and night” on television as the star of a commercial for a popular brand of carbonated cola drink. He was, thanks to the energising properties of the aforementioned coke-flavoured beverage, pictured successfully converting a penalty kick. Oh dear. Cue the launching of an impromptu ad campaign by a rival refreshment concern in Monterrey, who “could be seen handing out photos of the one-time hero to be burned by his once fawning, now furious, public. Interestingly, Hugo’s latest money spinner is an advert urging people to take out insurance.” | Sánchez, reported our diarist Peter Chapman, could be seen “morning noon and night” on television as the star of a commercial for a popular brand of carbonated cola drink. He was, thanks to the energising properties of the aforementioned coke-flavoured beverage, pictured successfully converting a penalty kick. Oh dear. Cue the launching of an impromptu ad campaign by a rival refreshment concern in Monterrey, who “could be seen handing out photos of the one-time hero to be burned by his once fawning, now furious, public. Interestingly, Hugo’s latest money spinner is an advert urging people to take out insurance.” |
| Mexico played Iraq in their final group game, and beat them 1-0. During it, the denizens of the Azteca Stadium could be heard chanting “Hugo is an arse”. That was “one of the kinder chants at the Aztec as the crowd turned sour; it loses a lot in the translation from the original street Mexican. Others suggested that Hugo’s abilities to procreate were non-existent thanks to defective personal equipment. | Mexico played Iraq in their final group game, and beat them 1-0. During it, the denizens of the Azteca Stadium could be heard chanting “Hugo is an arse”. That was “one of the kinder chants at the Aztec as the crowd turned sour; it loses a lot in the translation from the original street Mexican. Others suggested that Hugo’s abilities to procreate were non-existent thanks to defective personal equipment. |
| “With average ticket prices between $30 and $50, most of the 110,000 in the Aztec were solidly middle class. Some of the worst abuse came from the private boxes – where whole families gather – with grandmas, aunts and nice young girls from the bourgeois Mexico City suburbs listening and even joining in. It was so bad that two leading psychiatrists from the Mexican Social Security Institute felt obliged to point out publicly that soccer players are only human and capable of error. And the host nation, remember, won their group.” | “With average ticket prices between $30 and $50, most of the 110,000 in the Aztec were solidly middle class. Some of the worst abuse came from the private boxes – where whole families gather – with grandmas, aunts and nice young girls from the bourgeois Mexico City suburbs listening and even joining in. It was so bad that two leading psychiatrists from the Mexican Social Security Institute felt obliged to point out publicly that soccer players are only human and capable of error. And the host nation, remember, won their group.” |
| 6) The abject uselessness of William Hague and Tony Blair (1998) | 6) The abject uselessness of William Hague and Tony Blair (1998) |
| England only win the World Cup under a Labour government, of course, so bad luck Roy, never mind lads. Further proof of the Conservative and Unionist Party’s utter toxicity when it comes to international football came during the 1998 World Cup. “While wishing William Hague the speediest of recoveries from flu,” began Nick Hopkins, “the diary hopes he will not risk England’s World Cup chances by watching the game against Argentina. Before the Leader of the Opposition was laid low, he noted ruefully that every time he saw the team on TV, they played disastrously. It was surely no coincidence that England played magnificently on Friday night [their 2-0 Darren Anderton and David Beckham inspired victory over Colombia] when Mr Hague was recuperating from an emergency operation to unblock his sinuses. | England only win the World Cup under a Labour government, of course, so bad luck Roy, never mind lads. Further proof of the Conservative and Unionist Party’s utter toxicity when it comes to international football came during the 1998 World Cup. “While wishing William Hague the speediest of recoveries from flu,” began Nick Hopkins, “the diary hopes he will not risk England’s World Cup chances by watching the game against Argentina. Before the Leader of the Opposition was laid low, he noted ruefully that every time he saw the team on TV, they played disastrously. It was surely no coincidence that England played magnificently on Friday night [their 2-0 Darren Anderton and David Beckham inspired victory over Colombia] when Mr Hague was recuperating from an emergency operation to unblock his sinuses. |
| “However, trouble looms for Glenn Hoddle and his squad. Mr Hague is regaining his strength and is expected to resume normal duties on Wednesday. The diary fears he might be tempted to stay in tonight, snuggle up on the sofa with Ffion, and cheer for the lads.” And there we were blaming the likes of David Beckham, Paul Ince and David Batty. | |
| In the interests of political balance, however – and offering further proof that modern politicians of any stripe are nothing short of an evil menace – it should be recorded that Hoddle’s England were also better off without New Labour’s reverse-Midas gaze being directed upon them. Hopkins additionally reported that prime minister Tony Blair “… had his World Cup viewing ruined by the regulars at Trimdon Labour Club. Tony decided to watch the England-Colombia game there, then learned that club manager Paul Trippett would not be turning the TV on until the bingo had finished. ‘Nothing stops the bingo. Even the World Cup finals can’t stop it. We will rush it through, but there is no way we would try to cancel it.’” | In the interests of political balance, however – and offering further proof that modern politicians of any stripe are nothing short of an evil menace – it should be recorded that Hoddle’s England were also better off without New Labour’s reverse-Midas gaze being directed upon them. Hopkins additionally reported that prime minister Tony Blair “… had his World Cup viewing ruined by the regulars at Trimdon Labour Club. Tony decided to watch the England-Colombia game there, then learned that club manager Paul Trippett would not be turning the TV on until the bingo had finished. ‘Nothing stops the bingo. Even the World Cup finals can’t stop it. We will rush it through, but there is no way we would try to cancel it.’” |
| Telling Tony Blair in no uncertain terms to bugger off! The residents of Trimdon ahead of the rest of the country by the best part of a decade there. | Telling Tony Blair in no uncertain terms to bugger off! The residents of Trimdon ahead of the rest of the country by the best part of a decade there. |
| • The Joy of Six is off on its summer holidays but will return on 18 July. |
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