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| Politicians pulling pints – rated by the Pub Landlord Al Murray | Politicians pulling pints – rated by the Pub Landlord Al Murray |
| (about 14 hours later) | |
| The pint. As an icon of these fair islands go, I'd say it's second only to the Spitfire, or a red phone box with its tiny windows kicked in. | The pint. As an icon of these fair islands go, I'd say it's second only to the Spitfire, or a red phone box with its tiny windows kicked in. |
| So it's little wonder politicians are so keen to get their grubby hands on them. So addled are our modern-day politicians they think clutching a pint makes them look normal, and worse still, relevant. | So it's little wonder politicians are so keen to get their grubby hands on them. So addled are our modern-day politicians they think clutching a pint makes them look normal, and worse still, relevant. |
| Remember: Churchill was no stranger to drink, but he never had his picture taken with a pint of soapy lager. | Remember: Churchill was no stranger to drink, but he never had his picture taken with a pint of soapy lager. |
| And anyway: what muppet would listen to some bloke mouthing off about the state of the nation while waggling a pint? Behold this parade of deluded pint wagglers. | And anyway: what muppet would listen to some bloke mouthing off about the state of the nation while waggling a pint? Behold this parade of deluded pint wagglers. |
| Nick Clegg: "He has a nerve" | Nick Clegg: "He has a nerve" |
| Such is the shame surrounding the deputy PM that the pint in question refused to be pictured with him. Note the barman preparing to stab him in the back while wearing a Vince Cable Grin. Also: he has a nerve pouring this pint with a smile on his face when everyone knows it costs nine grand to drink in a student union bar. VERDICT: 0/5 | Such is the shame surrounding the deputy PM that the pint in question refused to be pictured with him. Note the barman preparing to stab him in the back while wearing a Vince Cable Grin. Also: he has a nerve pouring this pint with a smile on his face when everyone knows it costs nine grand to drink in a student union bar. VERDICT: 0/5 |
| Nigel Farage: "Busted" | Nigel Farage: "Busted" |
| Nigel Farwich likes to trade on the notion that he's not like other politicians, he's different etc, and we are often treated to pictures of him actually drinking beer (I know, it's incredible, isn't it?) yet here we see that Nige is just like all the others – he's gleefully helping himself. Busted, you grim old leather-faced buzzard. However: Farwich at least looks familiar with pint pouring dynamics. He'd make for reasonable Thursday afternoon cover at best. Though Thursday is the afternoon when all those nice Romanian lads come in and drink their benefits money. Probably a bad idea. VERDICT: 3/5 | Nigel Farwich likes to trade on the notion that he's not like other politicians, he's different etc, and we are often treated to pictures of him actually drinking beer (I know, it's incredible, isn't it?) yet here we see that Nige is just like all the others – he's gleefully helping himself. Busted, you grim old leather-faced buzzard. However: Farwich at least looks familiar with pint pouring dynamics. He'd make for reasonable Thursday afternoon cover at best. Though Thursday is the afternoon when all those nice Romanian lads come in and drink their benefits money. Probably a bad idea. VERDICT: 3/5 |
| The Obamas: "A pint of bubonic plague" | The Obamas: "A pint of bubonic plague" |
| He's holding that stout like it's a pint of bubonic plague. And fair enough, it's horrible. Also: the Secret Service have drunk half of it, to see whether it's poison. It is. Respect to Mr O for getting the missus to pour one, though. Michelle has that look on her face that says she'll be demanding a drone strike on the place in the car on the way home. VERDICT: 3/5 | He's holding that stout like it's a pint of bubonic plague. And fair enough, it's horrible. Also: the Secret Service have drunk half of it, to see whether it's poison. It is. Respect to Mr O for getting the missus to pour one, though. Michelle has that look on her face that says she'll be demanding a drone strike on the place in the car on the way home. VERDICT: 3/5 |
| David Cameron: "He's got the angle all wrong" | David Cameron: "He's got the angle all wrong" |
| The prime minister has seen his butler doing this, but not in a long while, so he's doing his best to remember how to pour this infernal stuff those voter chappies drink. He's got the angle all wrong, though – shocking stuff. Expect him to pour a half and blame it on Labour. VERDICT: 2/5 | The prime minister has seen his butler doing this, but not in a long while, so he's doing his best to remember how to pour this infernal stuff those voter chappies drink. He's got the angle all wrong, though – shocking stuff. Expect him to pour a half and blame it on Labour. VERDICT: 2/5 |
| William Hague: "Here he is on pint 15" | William Hague: "Here he is on pint 15" |
| The foreign secretary once really impressed everyone I know, at least, when he famously boasted that he used to drink 15 pints a day when he was a lad. Here he is on pint 15, just before all his hair fell out as a result of hop-poisoning. Please drink responsibly, kids. VERDICT: 15/5 | The foreign secretary once really impressed everyone I know, at least, when he famously boasted that he used to drink 15 pints a day when he was a lad. Here he is on pint 15, just before all his hair fell out as a result of hop-poisoning. Please drink responsibly, kids. VERDICT: 15/5 |
| Michael Portillo: "What can I say? Hired" | Michael Portillo: "What can I say? Hired" |
| Classic Portillo. It might look like he's poured that pint, but there's no way of being sure he actually has. The fact he seems to still be pouring it while waving around an unsettled pint somewhat undermines his apparent bar skills. However: what Portillo does bring to this is a ruddy faced cheer that's missing from all these other pictures. What can I say? How busy is he? Hired. VERDICT: 4/5 | Classic Portillo. It might look like he's poured that pint, but there's no way of being sure he actually has. The fact he seems to still be pouring it while waving around an unsettled pint somewhat undermines his apparent bar skills. However: what Portillo does bring to this is a ruddy faced cheer that's missing from all these other pictures. What can I say? How busy is he? Hired. VERDICT: 4/5 |
| Margaret Thatcher: "How much is that in deprived children's tears?" | Margaret Thatcher: "How much is that in deprived children's tears?" |
| Always the pioneer, here is Mrs Thatcher pouring a pint and trying to look normal before everyone else, back in the days of black and white. Just look at her, eyeing up that pint and imagining exactly how much that is in school milk and how much it is in deprived children's tears. She's never been so happy. However, of all the pints poured, this is the most generous measure, which is a surprise. Imagine for a moment a parallel universe where she stayed behind that bar – no Thatcher era wine bars, and tossers drinking champagne and eating olives to the sound of Sade: you can always dream. VERDICT: 5/5 for barskills 0/5 for failing to heed her true destiny | Always the pioneer, here is Mrs Thatcher pouring a pint and trying to look normal before everyone else, back in the days of black and white. Just look at her, eyeing up that pint and imagining exactly how much that is in school milk and how much it is in deprived children's tears. She's never been so happy. However, of all the pints poured, this is the most generous measure, which is a surprise. Imagine for a moment a parallel universe where she stayed behind that bar – no Thatcher era wine bars, and tossers drinking champagne and eating olives to the sound of Sade: you can always dream. VERDICT: 5/5 for barskills 0/5 for failing to heed her true destiny |
| Boris Johnson: "Get a haircut you plonker" | Boris Johnson: "Get a haircut you plonker" |
| The thing about posh gap year bar staff is that for a while they're entertaining with their boundless energy and quotes from Cicero and all that bollocks, but then they become the very height of tedium and/or the recipient of a much-needed nut-pummelling. Get a haircut you plonker. Unhygienic. VERDICT: 1/5 | The thing about posh gap year bar staff is that for a while they're entertaining with their boundless energy and quotes from Cicero and all that bollocks, but then they become the very height of tedium and/or the recipient of a much-needed nut-pummelling. Get a haircut you plonker. Unhygienic. VERDICT: 1/5 |
| George Osborne: "He's pulling the wrong lever" | George Osborne: "He's pulling the wrong lever" |
| Typical stuff from Osborne. He's pulling the wrong lever and expecting results. That pint is nothing to do with him, it would have happened anyway, and in fact, if it wasn't for him, that pint would have happened two or three years ago.Also: if he wants to look normal, he really must try to act like he's seen a pint of bitter before. VERDICT: 12/5 (Hang on, my numbers don't add up either.) | Typical stuff from Osborne. He's pulling the wrong lever and expecting results. That pint is nothing to do with him, it would have happened anyway, and in fact, if it wasn't for him, that pint would have happened two or three years ago.Also: if he wants to look normal, he really must try to act like he's seen a pint of bitter before. VERDICT: 12/5 (Hang on, my numbers don't add up either.) |
| • The Pub Landlord will be performing at London's Southbank on the 14, 21 and 28 June and 5 July and is on tour this autumn. See thepublandlord.com for details. |
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