Forget The Dolphin Way – bring up your children the Earthworm Way

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2014/may/27/the-dolphin-way-shimi-kang

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If your parents are tigers or jellyfish, you may as well just give up now. According to parenting expert Shimi Kang, children of tigers will grow up with depression and poor decision-making skills. Children of jellyfish, meanwhile, will develop self-destructive tendencies and zero social skills. Tigers and jellyfish are types of human parent, by the way; tigers are too overbearing and jellyfish are too permissive.

Fortunately, there is a third way. Presumably after noticing that dolphins are an exact genetic mixture of tiger and jellyfish DNA, Kang has written a book, The Dolphin Way. Dolphin parents, Kang says, are authoritative but also value community. They "allow their children the time and space to activate their own intrinsic motivators". There's also evidence that they spend their days murdering baby porpoises for fun but that's merely speculation on my part.

If The Dolphin Way ends up being a success – and it probably will – we'll soon be inundated with several other animal-inspired parenting books. Publishers, you can have these follow-up ideas for free.

The Earthworm Way

An earthworm parent is a metaphorical hermaphrodite; fluent in both stereotypically male (practical) and female (emotional) behaviour. They are authoritative and nurturing. They will also be metaphorically blind, allowing their children enough independence to learn from their own mistakes. Finally, they will constantly secrete a metaphorical mucus through their skin to aid their child's journey through life.

The Songbird Way

A songbird parent isn't afraid to make the hard choices in life. If that means forcing their child to be independent by pushing them off a metaphorical branch, then so be it. They will also value productivity by yelling at their kids to wake up at the crack of dawn, and feed them by puking into their mouths.

The Swan Way

A swan parent prioritises the safety of their child above all else. They are fiercely protective. If an outsider attempts to abduct their child, or look at their child, or feed it some bread, or just ride past it on a bike, the swan parent will rise up out of the metaphorical water and break the outsider's arm with their wing. They can do that, you know.

The Cuckoo Way

A cuckoo parent's talent is their complete self-awareness. They refuse to be defined simply as a parent, so they leave their baby on a stranger's doorstep as soon as they're physically able and run away into the night to get drunk and be annoying on Twitter.

The Burying Beetle Way

Burying beetle parents force their children to grow up inside abandoned mouse carcasses. They are not good parents.