Local elections: making a little news go a long way

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2014/may/23/local-elections-john-crace-sketch

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'You're watching Decision Time: The Local Elections, a special programme live from Sky News Centre," said Adam Boulton, the Sky anchor, shortly after the polls had closed at 10pm, looking very much as if, had it been down to him, his decision would have been to take the night off.

He wouldn't have been alone. With the European results not being announced till Sunday and most of the local councils choosing not to start counting the votes till Friday, Boulton was facing a long night with little to report. Even the BBC, normally the first port of call for dead space on election nights, had delayed kick-off till 11.30.

Boulton turned to a sidekick to set the scene. "For Labour to meet expectations, they will be looking to win Croydon, West Lancashire and Trafford. A good night means they will win Peterborough, Barnet and Hammersmith and Fulham."

If you listened carefully, you could hear Boulton smashing his head against the desk as viewers wondered how they would cope with the tension.

We quickly cut to live from inside a hall in Eastleigh, where nobody was exactly rushing to count votes. We soon found out why. "There's going to be no change in overall control here," said a reporter, "because only 15 out of the 44 seats are up for grabs." Anushka Asthana reported from Birmingham: "It's pretty quiet here." Tears began to form in Boulton's eyes.

There was no let-up in the excitement as we switched to the party leader's Twitter feeds. David Cameron thanked everyone for voting Conservative, Ed Miliband was promising long-term change, Nigel Farage was hoping for a political earthquake into which the Romanians would disappear and Nick Clegg was praying for a miracle. The Lib Dem leader tweeted a picture of himself making an election telephone call. "Any jobs going?"

Normally by this point, a TV channel has assembled a panel of politicians. We were promised Vince Cable a bit later, after he had finished practising making his "A total wipeout is a good result for the Lib Dems" speech sound almost convincing, so we were left with Professor Mike Thrasher to make a few guesses about what the results might mean for next year's general election.

Boulton moved on to a résumé of the day's other main news stories. "Thank goodness there are some," he said with feeling. Cue a story about twins dressing the same way in middle age.

The BBC's own decision not to start till 90 minutes after voting closed looked a good one. Only minutes after David Dimbleby had breathlessly turned up, the first result came in from Sunderland, a result that was dissected at length by rather more people than may have actually voted in the North-East as the BBC had come mob-handed with Emily Maitlis, Nick Robinson, an out-of-synch Jeremy Vine, and rows of unnamed people looking at computer screens in the background.

With Ukip making its expected strong showing, the baiting of the three parties began as Chuka Umunna, Grant Schapps and Lynne Featherstone were asked why all three of their parties had done so badly. Schapps and Umunna used the "Ukip are significant but irrelevant" shtick. Featherstone just had an existential breakdown. News came in of more possible Ukip gains. Dimbleby's eyes shone a little brighter. The three MPs aged in front of our eyes. It was going to be a long night for everyone. Except, possibly, the viewers.