I was abused as a child, and I'm jealous of my in-laws' perfect life

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/11/abused-child-jealous-in-laws-perfect-life

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The dilemma I am in my late 50s. I've never travelled, been to university or known how to love. I was abused mentally and sexually as a child and my mother would threaten to kill herself if I suggested leaving home to see the world. Eventually I met someone supportive and loving  who has made me as happy as I can be. We have three amazing children. Life should be good, but I have this overwhelming feeling of hate towards his brother and his family. They seem to live under a golden glow: they are incredibly wealthy and smug. Whenever we see them, they boast of everything they have and it serves as a reminder of what I don't have. My husband says to count our blessings, which I do. But I feel there is a badness in me that will always be there.

Mariella replies No badness – that's your unresolved past talking. You're just flawed, like the rest of us. Counting your blessings is great advice, but it can be a struggle to identify your own good fortune when what's in front of you is the immensity of other people's. Smug in-laws are two a penny, but if it wasn't your relations I'm sure there would be friends, acquaintances or colleagues you would envy and be enraged by. You'd have to be hewn of stone not to feel the occasional twinge of jealousy when confronted with the apparent ease of other people's achievements. On such occasions it's important to try and remember that nothing, even money, comes free.

You've had a rough start, but you have bounty in the form of a good relationship and children. It's an integral part of the human condition to incessantly crave more, and we owe a lot to this natural impulse to improve on our birthright. But we live in a society that uses envy to encourage aspiration, and that's where many of us linger too often.

There are many billions with a lot less and, even in the case of the haves, the judgments we make about the circumstances of others take place in the dark. There is a lucky minority for whom life is more of a cruise than a challenge, but the common experience is more up and down. It may not feel like it on a bad day, but here in the western world the odds are weighted in our favour. The irony is that the more you hanker after something, the more people you encounter who seem to have it.

I'd encourage you to look at your letter again. You list three things you haven't done: two are attainable, and only the last may be out of your reach, though perhaps not, given the right help. I wonder if you've had help in coping with the early abuse. Managing to live what appears to be a normal life doesn't necessarily mean you have addressed the anger and anguish that would have stemmed from your terrible childhood.

A talking cure wouldn't go awry, and your hatred for your in-laws would be the perfect kicking-off point with a therapist. A chat with your GP would be a good way to find out about therapists in your area, or contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk) or British Psychoanalytic Council (psychoanalytic-council.org). The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (napac.org.uk) might be a good starting point.

As for travelling abroad, it's easier today than ever. Whether it's a weekend in Paris or an overland adventure to Timbuktu, your 50s is the best time to do it. You have more confidence, more disposable income (if the kids have gone) and a clearer sense of your identity than ever before.

What greater motivation to embrace new experiences than the weight of years behind you? You aren't dead yet, and you may be four decades away, with today's longevity factored in. Instead of wasting time listing the things you haven't done, I'd step out there and get on with it! Giving up on ambitions and desires when you've only reached the halfway point is a terrible way to squander what lies ahead.

My suspicion is that your current anger and frustration are far more closely connected to your past fear than to your relations' charmed lives. Seek help to shift your gaze, and you may see how much you have now and how much  more there is yet to enjoy.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1