Football transfer rumours: Chelsea to sign Karim Benzema and Loïc Rémy?

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/apr/30/the-rumour-mill-chelsea-karim-benzema-loic-remy

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On this day in 1803 the United States bought Louisiana from France for the equivalent of around £8m, doubling the size of the USA. Today £8m would get you about half of Hatem Ben Arfa. Inflation: a pain in the ass. Lest anyone start making gruesome bids, we should point out that Newcastle are not planning to sell their players in halves, although that would make a certain sense given that they only seem to play for a half-season. In fact, for the avoidance of any doubt, let it it be known that Newcastle are not selling their players in any portions at all: not halves, not quarters, not thirds, not eighths, not in whatever fraction of Fabricio Coloccini is made up of his hair. This approach is supported by the club's fans, who have repeatedly stated this season that Newcastle's players are just a bunch of wholes. At least the Mill thinks that's what they were saying.

Anyway, Ben Arfa. Apparently many managers, including ones at Everton, Monaco and Besiktas, are convinced that they could be the ones to get inside his head and really inspire him to harness his talent on a consistent basis. Atlético Madrid, meanwhile, want to liberate Tim Krul from St James' Park after Thibaut Courtois returns to Chelsea, who, by the way, are considering signing Loïc Rémy, as are Bayern Munich. José Mourinho will also persuade Roman Abramovich to spent around £40m on Karim Benzema.

"I am not prepared to talk about my contract but I will stress how happy I am at Borussia Dortmund" – with those words, Marco Reus "boosted Manchester United's hopes" of signing him, according to the Daily Express. United's hopes of signing Edinson Cavani, meanwhile, have been boosted by reports that he told friends that he wants to move to Old Trafford. Quite who these friends who immediately ran to tell the world's media are is not clear, but they're obviously actual people of impeccable character or there's no way whatsoever that newspapers would have printed their convenient revelations.

Joleon Lescott's contract expires in the summer so he's free to talk to whoever he wants and so far the only club with whom he has reached the advanced nattering stage are Besiktas.

Hulk has grown weary of Russia and wants a new challenge. And what could be a stiffer challenge than winning Ligue 1 would with PSG? The French club are hoping to convince Dani Alves and Miralem Pjanic to try to achieve that daunting feat too.

Monaco, meanwhile, have all but completed the recruitment of Barcelona's injured keeper Víctor Valdés. They're also hoping to gazump Tottenham if Frank de Boer decides to leave Ajax.

Vincent Tan will stand by his man. Even if Cardiff City are relegated, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer will not be jilted, apparently.