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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
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| Tell us a joke: Melbourne comedy festival stars give us their favourite gags | |
| (7 months later) | |
| Tim Vine: | Tim Vine: |
| I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. | I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. |
| Wil Sylvince: | Wil Sylvince: |
| When I see a bug on a stranger, I'm always caught between should I hit it, or mind my business. | When I see a bug on a stranger, I'm always caught between should I hit it, or mind my business. |
| Ronny Chieng: | Ronny Chieng: |
| People on crowded public transport who say "excuse me" to get past you before the door opens, especially when you are also exiting the vehicle, should be fined. EXCUSE YOU? I CAN'T PHASE THROUGH MATTER BUDDY. | People on crowded public transport who say "excuse me" to get past you before the door opens, especially when you are also exiting the vehicle, should be fined. EXCUSE YOU? I CAN'T PHASE THROUGH MATTER BUDDY. |
| Joe Lycett: | Joe Lycett: |
| I spy with my little eye only about 10-15% of the things I can see with my fully grown eye. | I spy with my little eye only about 10-15% of the things I can see with my fully grown eye. |
| Milton Jones: | Milton Jones: |
| I was walking along the other day, and on the road I saw a small, dead, baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief. | I was walking along the other day, and on the road I saw a small, dead, baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief. |
| Jen Kirkman: | Jen Kirkman: |
| I have no maternal instinct. I’ve just never had the urge to … ruin my life. If I had a kid crying in the next room: “Mommy, there’s a monster under my bed!” I’d say, “Of course there is! That’s where they live!” | I have no maternal instinct. I’ve just never had the urge to … ruin my life. If I had a kid crying in the next room: “Mommy, there’s a monster under my bed!” I’d say, “Of course there is! That’s where they live!” |
| Mel Buttle: | Mel Buttle: |
| At schooI I was terrible at science, on my final year 12 biology exam in answer to the question: “what is the function of a cell wall?” I wrote “to keep the rabbits out”. | At schooI I was terrible at science, on my final year 12 biology exam in answer to the question: “what is the function of a cell wall?” I wrote “to keep the rabbits out”. |
| Nish Kumar: | Nish Kumar: |
| My first year at the Edinburgh festival, I was chased off stage by a Scottish heavy metal band. I was performing at a gig that had overrun and, as such we were encroaching on the time that they had been allotted to perform. A lot of murmuring turned quickly into loud swearing and the manager of the bar I was in advised me, kindly to "get the fuck off the fucking stage before you get your bastard head kicked in". I took his advice. So I guess what I'm saying is, I hope that doesn't happen in Melbourne. | My first year at the Edinburgh festival, I was chased off stage by a Scottish heavy metal band. I was performing at a gig that had overrun and, as such we were encroaching on the time that they had been allotted to perform. A lot of murmuring turned quickly into loud swearing and the manager of the bar I was in advised me, kindly to "get the fuck off the fucking stage before you get your bastard head kicked in". I took his advice. So I guess what I'm saying is, I hope that doesn't happen in Melbourne. |
| Max & Ivan (who have a second show): | Max & Ivan (who have a second show): |
| Q: What do you call the drunk man sobbing outside the casino, because he blew all his money in a spectacular 10-minute losing streak? | Q: What do you call the drunk man sobbing outside the casino, because he blew all his money in a spectacular 10-minute losing streak? |
| A: Ivan, of comedy double-act Max & Ivan! (Seriously, though, this happened last year – if you do see him, please ensure he makes his way safely back to the Adina hotel. Thanks.) | A: Ivan, of comedy double-act Max & Ivan! (Seriously, though, this happened last year – if you do see him, please ensure he makes his way safely back to the Adina hotel. Thanks.) |
| Denise Scott: | Denise Scott: |
| You know it's hot when mum walks around the house in her underpants and her adult children do not have the energy to be horrified. | You know it's hot when mum walks around the house in her underpants and her adult children do not have the energy to be horrified. |
| Late Night Gimp Fight: | Late Night Gimp Fight: |
| I tried sculpting an avocado but it went a bit pear-shaped. | I tried sculpting an avocado but it went a bit pear-shaped. |
| Asher Treleaven: | Asher Treleaven: |
| Just remember life is not a race, it’s a dance, a dance in a room slowly filling with bees. | Just remember life is not a race, it’s a dance, a dance in a room slowly filling with bees. |
| Des Bishop: | Des Bishop: |
| China employs millions of people to enforce the Great Fire Wall of China. All of them looking for people saying bad things about China on the internet. No wonder China hates the world, I hate the world too when I Google myself. Someone needs to tell China that foreign policy shouldn’t be based on anger at trolls. | China employs millions of people to enforce the Great Fire Wall of China. All of them looking for people saying bad things about China on the internet. No wonder China hates the world, I hate the world too when I Google myself. Someone needs to tell China that foreign policy shouldn’t be based on anger at trolls. |
| Jason Byrne: | Jason Byrne: |
| A man tried to get into a nightclub. But the bouncers said you’re not allowed in without a tie. So the man returned to his car, got a set of jump leads and tied them around his neck. The man went back to the bouncers and pointing at his jump lead tie. Is this alright? The bouncers said yeah, but don't start anything. | A man tried to get into a nightclub. But the bouncers said you’re not allowed in without a tie. So the man returned to his car, got a set of jump leads and tied them around his neck. The man went back to the bouncers and pointing at his jump lead tie. Is this alright? The bouncers said yeah, but don't start anything. |
| Joel Creasey: | Joel Creasey: |
| Well my new show is about getting famous. I'm trying hard but it's not going so well. In fact this is HOW unrecognisable I am apparently … I was at home in Perth over Christmas going for a jog (because this bikini body does not just happen alright!) and a child on a bike – which I assume he'd gotten for Christmas – knocked me over. I was on the ground and as if I couldn't get any lower his mum yelled out: "CALLUM! LEAVE THAT POOR LADY ALONE." | Well my new show is about getting famous. I'm trying hard but it's not going so well. In fact this is HOW unrecognisable I am apparently … I was at home in Perth over Christmas going for a jog (because this bikini body does not just happen alright!) and a child on a bike – which I assume he'd gotten for Christmas – knocked me over. I was on the ground and as if I couldn't get any lower his mum yelled out: "CALLUM! LEAVE THAT POOR LADY ALONE." |
| Yep – people don't even recognise I have a penis at this point. | Yep – people don't even recognise I have a penis at this point. |
| Sean Cullen: | Sean Cullen: |
| Like Liam Neeson in Taken I have a very particular set of skills and they make me a nightmare to people like you. | Like Liam Neeson in Taken I have a very particular set of skills and they make me a nightmare to people like you. |
| Adam Rozenbachs: | Adam Rozenbachs: |
| I’m allergic to nuts, and was rather a large baby, which mum said wasn’t helped by the fact I loved peanut butter. But I don’t think I was fat; I think I was just swollen. And every kid today is allergic to nuts. These days it’s known as anaphylaxis; if you’re allergic to nut you’re anaphylactic. When I was growing up it was just called “whingeing”. | I’m allergic to nuts, and was rather a large baby, which mum said wasn’t helped by the fact I loved peanut butter. But I don’t think I was fat; I think I was just swollen. And every kid today is allergic to nuts. These days it’s known as anaphylaxis; if you’re allergic to nut you’re anaphylactic. When I was growing up it was just called “whingeing”. |
| Sean Choolburra: | Sean Choolburra: |
| Political correctness gone over board. You can't eat Coon cheese without offending black people and you can't eat crackers without offending white people. You can't eat Coon cheese by itself, it's too gluggy and you can't eat a cracker by itself, it's too dry - they need each other. Coon cheese and crackers biscuits, that’s true reconciliation. | Political correctness gone over board. You can't eat Coon cheese without offending black people and you can't eat crackers without offending white people. You can't eat Coon cheese by itself, it's too gluggy and you can't eat a cracker by itself, it's too dry - they need each other. Coon cheese and crackers biscuits, that’s true reconciliation. |
| Suren Jayemanne: | Suren Jayemanne: |
| I bought a packet of crisps today, on it was written “sealed for your protection”... So, I've never opened it. | I bought a packet of crisps today, on it was written “sealed for your protection”... So, I've never opened it. |
| Dave O’Neil (who has a second show): | Dave O’Neil (who has a second show): |
| You know who hates hipsters the most? Bikies. Yep, ’cause 10 years ago they were the only guys with beards and tattoos. Now it's confusing for them, they go to Brunswick/Newtown and they're like: “Is that a Comanchero or a barista?” | You know who hates hipsters the most? Bikies. Yep, ’cause 10 years ago they were the only guys with beards and tattoos. Now it's confusing for them, they go to Brunswick/Newtown and they're like: “Is that a Comanchero or a barista?” |
| Greg Fleet: | Greg Fleet: |
| Whenever I'm in England someone invariably says to me: “Oh you are Australian. We really don't think it's right what you people did to the Aborigines.” And I always reply, “Hang on, wasn't that you?” | Whenever I'm in England someone invariably says to me: “Oh you are Australian. We really don't think it's right what you people did to the Aborigines.” And I always reply, “Hang on, wasn't that you?” |
| Genevieve Fricker: | Genevieve Fricker: |
| I'm ethnically ambiguous, which means I can be in the background of any McDonald’s ad of my choosing. So I'm loving it. | I'm ethnically ambiguous, which means I can be in the background of any McDonald’s ad of my choosing. So I'm loving it. |
| JMAC: | JMAC: |
| Do you know what mums have way more of, than anyone else in the world? Containers. | Do you know what mums have way more of, than anyone else in the world? Containers. |
| Anne Edmonds: | Anne Edmonds: |
| One of the greatest things I've learnt from comedy is how to stand by myself and be OK with it. I just wish I'd done my first gig before my 21st birthday. | One of the greatest things I've learnt from comedy is how to stand by myself and be OK with it. I just wish I'd done my first gig before my 21st birthday. |
| Kate McLennan: | Kate McLennan: |
| Growing up, my mum and dad had a pretty relaxed parenting style. “Where are the kids?” “Oh, they said something about a rope, a ladder and a mineshaft. I wasn’t really paying attention; John Farnham was on Midday with Ray so I missed the tail end. Cuppa?” | Growing up, my mum and dad had a pretty relaxed parenting style. “Where are the kids?” “Oh, they said something about a rope, a ladder and a mineshaft. I wasn’t really paying attention; John Farnham was on Midday with Ray so I missed the tail end. Cuppa?” |
| Celia Pacquola: | Celia Pacquola: |
| I've been to a psychic. I don't know why I get SO much judgment about it. I mean, I don't judge religious people. You might like to listen to a man talk about a man in the sky, I'd rather listen to a woman in a purple dress talk about me for half an hour. | I've been to a psychic. I don't know why I get SO much judgment about it. I mean, I don't judge religious people. You might like to listen to a man talk about a man in the sky, I'd rather listen to a woman in a purple dress talk about me for half an hour. |
| Tegan Higginbotham: | Tegan Higginbotham: |
| I wonder how long it will be ’til airlines aren't only charging for physical baggage, but for emotional baggage too? Not that it'd bother me. I'm fine. Really. Just ask my dad. WHO'S NEVER THERE! | I wonder how long it will be ’til airlines aren't only charging for physical baggage, but for emotional baggage too? Not that it'd bother me. I'm fine. Really. Just ask my dad. WHO'S NEVER THERE! |