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| Exit Sandman … to Houston to play the godforsaken Astros | |
| (about 1 hour later) | |
| No player in baseball history has secured as many happy endings for his team as Mariano Rivera. He is in the conclusion business. | No player in baseball history has secured as many happy endings for his team as Mariano Rivera. He is in the conclusion business. |
| Yet the last scene of his own narrative is out of his control, which is why his career is finishing not at Yankee Stadium with the final pitch of the World Series but this weekend at Major League Baseball's theatre of the inept, also known as Minute Maid Park. | Yet the last scene of his own narrative is out of his control, which is why his career is finishing not at Yankee Stadium with the final pitch of the World Series but this weekend at Major League Baseball's theatre of the inept, also known as Minute Maid Park. |
| On Sunday, the last day of the season for the Houston Astros and the New York Yankees, the Texans will honour the finest closer of them all with a pre-game ceremony featuring Roger Clemens, a former luminary of both teams. Rivera will then go into retirement some 1,600 miles from the Bronx, among the woebegone fans of the worst team in baseball at a place where he has never pitched before. At least there is a strong chance his last game will be a victory. | On Sunday, the last day of the season for the Houston Astros and the New York Yankees, the Texans will honour the finest closer of them all with a pre-game ceremony featuring Roger Clemens, a former luminary of both teams. Rivera will then go into retirement some 1,600 miles from the Bronx, among the woebegone fans of the worst team in baseball at a place where he has never pitched before. At least there is a strong chance his last game will be a victory. |
| The Astros lost on Wednesday night, 7-3 to the Texas Rangers. It was their 12th defeat in a row, their 108th of the season – one more than in 2012, two more than in 2011. Like Casey Stengel's "Amazin'" Mets of the early 1960s, this is a team infamous enough to earn a nickname: the Lastros. They are only the 11th club since 1900 to lose at least 100 times in three successive seasons, among other epic adventures in badness. | The Astros lost on Wednesday night, 7-3 to the Texas Rangers. It was their 12th defeat in a row, their 108th of the season – one more than in 2012, two more than in 2011. Like Casey Stengel's "Amazin'" Mets of the early 1960s, this is a team infamous enough to earn a nickname: the Lastros. They are only the 11th club since 1900 to lose at least 100 times in three successive seasons, among other epic adventures in badness. |
| You know it's been a tough year when the season's best day was its first. The Astros started life as an American League club by thrashing the Rangers. After Wednesday's defeat, though, Houston's record against their state rivals stood at two wins and 17 losses on the year. | You know it's been a tough year when the season's best day was its first. The Astros started life as an American League club by thrashing the Rangers. After Wednesday's defeat, though, Houston's record against their state rivals stood at two wins and 17 losses on the year. |
| It is all part of the plan – or rather, it is all factored in as the noxious byproduct of a uniquely uncompromising and unapologetic rebuilding process. The sheer number of losses stems from a patient strategy, not a slate-cleaning exercise made inevitable by indifferent owners or incompetent players and coaches (see: Marlins, Miami). In June, owner Jim Crane told ESPN: | It is all part of the plan – or rather, it is all factored in as the noxious byproduct of a uniquely uncompromising and unapologetic rebuilding process. The sheer number of losses stems from a patient strategy, not a slate-cleaning exercise made inevitable by indifferent owners or incompetent players and coaches (see: Marlins, Miami). In June, owner Jim Crane told ESPN: |
| We'll spend the money when it's time, but right now is not the time. Once our minor-league system is filled in, we'll move up into the top five or 10 in payroll. | We'll spend the money when it's time, but right now is not the time. Once our minor-league system is filled in, we'll move up into the top five or 10 in payroll. |
| MLB's rules are complicit in helping the Astros engineer a farm system that makes Monsanto look small-time. As the great Nick Berry once crooned: every loser wins. The worse the team, the higher the draft pick. So for the third successive year, the Astros get to choose first, as the Washington Nationals did in 2009 and 2010, when they drafted Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper. | MLB's rules are complicit in helping the Astros engineer a farm system that makes Monsanto look small-time. As the great Nick Berry once crooned: every loser wins. The worse the team, the higher the draft pick. So for the third successive year, the Astros get to choose first, as the Washington Nationals did in 2009 and 2010, when they drafted Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper. |
| The Yankees' Andy Pettitte is also retiring, with his last start expected to be on Saturday. He was a member of the best-ever Astros side, the team with Lance Berkman, Craig Biggio, Jeff Bagwell, Roy Oswalt and Clemens that was swept by the Chicago White Sox in the 2005 World Series. The club has not reached the postseason since. | The Yankees' Andy Pettitte is also retiring, with his last start expected to be on Saturday. He was a member of the best-ever Astros side, the team with Lance Berkman, Craig Biggio, Jeff Bagwell, Roy Oswalt and Clemens that was swept by the Chicago White Sox in the 2005 World Series. The club has not reached the postseason since. |
| Even in a sport where spending is no guarantee of success, the Astros are showing the value of money. Their opening-day wage bill was estimated at $26m, or less than the Yankees second baseman Alex Rodriguez alone makes in a year. That is a quarter of the roster's total payroll four years ago, and half what it was in 2000. | Even in a sport where spending is no guarantee of success, the Astros are showing the value of money. Their opening-day wage bill was estimated at $26m, or less than the Yankees second baseman Alex Rodriguez alone makes in a year. That is a quarter of the roster's total payroll four years ago, and half what it was in 2000. |
| But this was before the top earners such as Bud Norris and Carlos Pena were offloaded, leaving Erik Bedard as the highest-paid player, on $1.15m. Almost everyone else makes less than $500,000 in a sport with a minimum wage of $490,000, so the payroll has roughly halved in the past six months. Frankly, by this point it is probably dwarfed by A-Rod's legal bills, let alone his paycheck. | But this was before the top earners such as Bud Norris and Carlos Pena were offloaded, leaving Erik Bedard as the highest-paid player, on $1.15m. Almost everyone else makes less than $500,000 in a sport with a minimum wage of $490,000, so the payroll has roughly halved in the past six months. Frankly, by this point it is probably dwarfed by A-Rod's legal bills, let alone his paycheck. |
| Nine Major League Soccer players make more than Bedard. The New York Red Bulls, Seattle Sounders and Los Angeles Galaxy have payrolls comparable to the Astros. But while MLS franchises have limited revenue streams thanks to meagre broadcast income, it would be hard to find a medium-sized MLB team unable to pull in $200m a year from all sources. So are the Astros owners the sporting equivalent of Mel Brooks' Producers, convinced that it's lucrative to be lousy? No less an authority than Forbes disagrees with itself on this topic. | Nine Major League Soccer players make more than Bedard. The New York Red Bulls, Seattle Sounders and Los Angeles Galaxy have payrolls comparable to the Astros. But while MLS franchises have limited revenue streams thanks to meagre broadcast income, it would be hard to find a medium-sized MLB team unable to pull in $200m a year from all sources. So are the Astros owners the sporting equivalent of Mel Brooks' Producers, convinced that it's lucrative to be lousy? No less an authority than Forbes disagrees with itself on this topic. |
| Local television deals are usually like lottery jackpots, but no one in the US's fourth-biggest city is watching the Astros. Really: no one. The Houston Chronicle reported that last Sunday's 9-2 loss to the Cleveland Indians drew a Nielsen rating of 0.0. That is not only an embarrassment but a serious problem, since the club owns 45% of the regional sports network that broadcasts its games. | Local television deals are usually like lottery jackpots, but no one in the US's fourth-biggest city is watching the Astros. Really: no one. The Houston Chronicle reported that last Sunday's 9-2 loss to the Cleveland Indians drew a Nielsen rating of 0.0. That is not only an embarrassment but a serious problem, since the club owns 45% of the regional sports network that broadcasts its games. |
| And the in-person Astros experience? Well, parking is easy. But there was the shaved-ice vendor who took his wares into a toilet stall. Giant advertising hoardings obscure the welcome distraction of a downtown view and the ballpark's most unique feature, the train that chugs along a track above left-field when the Astros hit a home run. | And the in-person Astros experience? Well, parking is easy. But there was the shaved-ice vendor who took his wares into a toilet stall. Giant advertising hoardings obscure the welcome distraction of a downtown view and the ballpark's most unique feature, the train that chugs along a track above left-field when the Astros hit a home run. |
| This Friday is a patronising-sounding Ladies Night, in which women are invited to learn the basics of baseball and enjoy a happy hour event called "Diamond, Bling and Glittery Things". Since Sunday is Fan Appreciation Day, fans would no doubt have appreciated the occasion even more had ticket prices not doubled compared with last week's series against the Cincinnati Reds, because the Yankees are perceived as more attractive opponents. | This Friday is a patronising-sounding Ladies Night, in which women are invited to learn the basics of baseball and enjoy a happy hour event called "Diamond, Bling and Glittery Things". Since Sunday is Fan Appreciation Day, fans would no doubt have appreciated the occasion even more had ticket prices not doubled compared with last week's series against the Cincinnati Reds, because the Yankees are perceived as more attractive opponents. |
| On the night last week when the Astros notched their century of losses, the ballpark entertainment on the giant screen developed a nihilistic streak. There was "Oblivious cam", which encouraged the crowd to laugh at a man in the stands who was focused on his cellphone. Since the score was 10-0 to Cincinnati at the time, who were club officials to question his judgment? Then came "Missile cam", where the camera found Reds fans and pretended to lock on to their location and blow them up. | On the night last week when the Astros notched their century of losses, the ballpark entertainment on the giant screen developed a nihilistic streak. There was "Oblivious cam", which encouraged the crowd to laugh at a man in the stands who was focused on his cellphone. Since the score was 10-0 to Cincinnati at the time, who were club officials to question his judgment? Then came "Missile cam", where the camera found Reds fans and pretended to lock on to their location and blow them up. |
| "There's a large segment of the fanbase that's still buying into the idea but you're starting to hear rumblings of criticism from supporters asking, 'Why are you taking so long?' While I can see what they're doing, they obviously seem to be tone deaf to how things look," says Bob Hulsey, the curator of the Astros Daily fansite. | "There's a large segment of the fanbase that's still buying into the idea but you're starting to hear rumblings of criticism from supporters asking, 'Why are you taking so long?' While I can see what they're doing, they obviously seem to be tone deaf to how things look," says Bob Hulsey, the curator of the Astros Daily fansite. |
| There's a certain amount of hubris that goes on with [the project] that I find a bit disturbing … personally I think that what they're doing has got the potential to make the Astros a really strong team towards the end of the decade. Or it has the opportunity to blow up in their face. | There's a certain amount of hubris that goes on with [the project] that I find a bit disturbing … personally I think that what they're doing has got the potential to make the Astros a really strong team towards the end of the decade. Or it has the opportunity to blow up in their face. |
| Despite the minor gripes, are the Astros fundamentally right? And unconventional, and brave? It's always easier in sport to spend money than to save it. Given how far the team is from being competitive, no star would consider playing in Houston. So the only way of spinning-up some short-term excitement would be to trade away top prospects or offer wizened free-agents a pay-day too good to turn down. | Despite the minor gripes, are the Astros fundamentally right? And unconventional, and brave? It's always easier in sport to spend money than to save it. Given how far the team is from being competitive, no star would consider playing in Houston. So the only way of spinning-up some short-term excitement would be to trade away top prospects or offer wizened free-agents a pay-day too good to turn down. |
| It's a tactic that has been favoured down the years by the New York Mets, which tells you it's probably a bad idea. Why splurge on a Johan Santana, Carl Crawford, Barry Zito or Vernon Wells, only to be saddled with an injured or mediocre player on an albatross contract? | It's a tactic that has been favoured down the years by the New York Mets, which tells you it's probably a bad idea. Why splurge on a Johan Santana, Carl Crawford, Barry Zito or Vernon Wells, only to be saddled with an injured or mediocre player on an albatross contract? |
| Instead of helping athletes buy bigger mansions, Jim Crane is presumably paying off some of the debt he took on when his group of investors bought the team in 2011, improving youth development and community programmes and stockpiling cash for future acquisitions when the side finally looks like it might contend for the play-offs. | Instead of helping athletes buy bigger mansions, Jim Crane is presumably paying off some of the debt he took on when his group of investors bought the team in 2011, improving youth development and community programmes and stockpiling cash for future acquisitions when the side finally looks like it might contend for the play-offs. |
| So each ticket to a game is effectively a note saying "IOU … a good team sometime in the next few years". But fans buy a seat to be entertained that night, not to help fund a multimillionaire's speculative long-term business strategy. | So each ticket to a game is effectively a note saying "IOU … a good team sometime in the next few years". But fans buy a seat to be entertained that night, not to help fund a multimillionaire's speculative long-term business strategy. |
| Sport sells hope, glamour and drama. It is the purest, most joyous form of emotional manipulation on the planet. When it is drenched in glory and uncertainty, as it always should be, we forget that like any business it is also about financial manipulation: the exploitation of customers for profit. | Sport sells hope, glamour and drama. It is the purest, most joyous form of emotional manipulation on the planet. When it is drenched in glory and uncertainty, as it always should be, we forget that like any business it is also about financial manipulation: the exploitation of customers for profit. |
| But when a team seems to be run as nothing more than a series of cold-eyed calculations, those players running around the field might as well be numbers blinking on a hedge-fund manager's computer monitor. | But when a team seems to be run as nothing more than a series of cold-eyed calculations, those players running around the field might as well be numbers blinking on a hedge-fund manager's computer monitor. |
| The Astros' strategy might be smart. It might even be correct. But it's not sport. Sorry it had to end this way, Mo. | The Astros' strategy might be smart. It might even be correct. But it's not sport. Sorry it had to end this way, Mo. |
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