Liberal Democrat conference 2013: the Harry Potter tendency is born

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/sep/17/lib-dem-conference-harry-potter-tendency

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There was no denying in Glasgow that the Liberal Democrats' defence debate was less keenly awaited in the chancelleries of Europe than this week's release of the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Auto V. One has guns, explosives and exciting chases. The other has Danny Alexander. It is not a tough call.

This verdict may be unfair to Lib Dem defence buffs who have always insisted that their much-loved ex-leader Sir Ming Campbell remain on continuous patrol beneath the Atlantic waves, armed and ready to deter illiberalism from all quarters. About the Trident missile system and a new generation of nuclear submarines they have long been more equivocal.

The debate offered a fresh opportunity for both sides to parade their virtue again, in the hope that Vladimir Putin, North Korea's Mr Kim, the Tehran mullahs and assorted al-Qaida terror cells would briefly look up from their Grand Theft Auto consoles and pay attention. They would not have been disappointed if they had.

But first they would have had to sit impatiently through an emergency debate on Syria (much anguish but no firm answers), one on recognising a legal status for British Sign Language, and a third on sexual and domestic violence.

Had the axis-of-weasel foreigners stayed tuned for the defence debate, they would have watched the Lib Dems' Long Trousers faction – led by a coolly cerebral Cambridge don called Julia Smith – making grown-up speeches about Britain's increasingly complex and cash-constrained military needs.

Apart from the blatant impropriety of women being allowed to take part, they would have grudgingly approved. "Say what you like about that Danny Alexander, he may be a bit of a Tory, but he has grown in office," older terrorists would have muttered. "Nick Harvey's dull but solid. We should have poisoned his tea," ambitious Putin aides might have said.

But the Short Trouser faction did well, too, as they battled to excise the leadership's wishy-washy compromise: two nuclear subs, not four, part-time patrols, not continuous (and never in bad weather), no bullets.

Their speeches were much more fun. A 23-year-old called George Potter with a more than passing resemblance to cousin Harry extracted the piss from outdated deterrence theory with the heartless callousness of youth.

A Glasgow academic mercilessly likened Trident to an unsuitable and expensive sports car owned by "a middle-aged man of declining prowess".

A beardless youth shouted: "End the Moscow doctrine, back the Potter doctrine, end the madness!"

The conference cheered, as it did all the nuke-bashing speeches. But it also listened to the grown-ups being boring; Simon Hughes, Danny Alexander, Sir Nick Harvey, Martin Horwood MP. Not Sir Ming, who was in dry dock at the back of the hall for a refit. They all said the lefties' plan wouldn't work or save money, only cheer the mullahs and the ex-KGB men.

Spoilsports. By 322 to 228, delegates rejected the Harry Potter doctrine. It would have made a great video game.

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