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You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/sep/04/gay-not-thrilled-about-gay-marriage
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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
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| Getting married doesn't fix inequality for the gay community | Getting married doesn't fix inequality for the gay community |
| (14 days later) | |
| The day the Defense of Marriage Act was struck down by the US Supreme Court, I received two phone calls in rapid succession from my mom and dad – both were overjoyed, yelping into the phone about how great it was that their son (me) could now get married. But all I could muster in return was a subdued, "woo". | The day the Defense of Marriage Act was struck down by the US Supreme Court, I received two phone calls in rapid succession from my mom and dad – both were overjoyed, yelping into the phone about how great it was that their son (me) could now get married. But all I could muster in return was a subdued, "woo". |
| As soon as I hung up the phone, I felt guilty. Shouldn't I, a young gay man who had recently proposed to his boyfriend, be elated at the prospect of federal marriage rights? The answer is more complicated than I ever thought it would be. | As soon as I hung up the phone, I felt guilty. Shouldn't I, a young gay man who had recently proposed to his boyfriend, be elated at the prospect of federal marriage rights? The answer is more complicated than I ever thought it would be. |
| As marriage restrictions fall in state after state, and country after country, and as I come ever closer to gay married life, I've been forced to reconcile my romantic notions of marriage with the fact that I think it's a completely flawed institution that LGBTQ groups have spent too much time and money fighting for. | As marriage restrictions fall in state after state, and country after country, and as I come ever closer to gay married life, I've been forced to reconcile my romantic notions of marriage with the fact that I think it's a completely flawed institution that LGBTQ groups have spent too much time and money fighting for. |
| For one, marriage is not the antidote to inequality that mainstream gay groups and the mainstream media have made it out to be. The LGBTQ movement's tunnel vision on the issues has left out much more important measures that must be taken if we want all Americans to be truly equal. | For one, marriage is not the antidote to inequality that mainstream gay groups and the mainstream media have made it out to be. The LGBTQ movement's tunnel vision on the issues has left out much more important measures that must be taken if we want all Americans to be truly equal. |
| As people rallied outside the Supreme Court ahead of the DOMA ruling, the Human Rights Campaign – one of the largest gay groups in the country – told trans activists to take down their flag from behind the HRC podium, and asked an LGBTQ immigrants' rights group to not speak during the rally. | As people rallied outside the Supreme Court ahead of the DOMA ruling, the Human Rights Campaign – one of the largest gay groups in the country – told trans activists to take down their flag from behind the HRC podium, and asked an LGBTQ immigrants' rights group to not speak during the rally. |
| The action was unfortunately indicative of Big Gay's current trajectory: ignoring the oppression of our brothers and sisters in order prove that gays and lesbians are just like everyone else: banal and hetero-normative. | The action was unfortunately indicative of Big Gay's current trajectory: ignoring the oppression of our brothers and sisters in order prove that gays and lesbians are just like everyone else: banal and hetero-normative. |
| Of course, it's important for the general populace to learn that there's nothing wrong with being gay, but we shouldn't have to sacrifice the parts of our movement that are less palatable to the mainstream in order to do that. | Of course, it's important for the general populace to learn that there's nothing wrong with being gay, but we shouldn't have to sacrifice the parts of our movement that are less palatable to the mainstream in order to do that. |
| But that's what the fight for marriage has done. Somewhere along the road to marriage equality, we forgot about the fact that you can still be fired for being gay in 29 states. We forgot about the fact that people are still murdered for not conforming to traditional gender roles, even in theoretically progressive places like New York. | But that's what the fight for marriage has done. Somewhere along the road to marriage equality, we forgot about the fact that you can still be fired for being gay in 29 states. We forgot about the fact that people are still murdered for not conforming to traditional gender roles, even in theoretically progressive places like New York. |
| And, perhaps most importantly, we forgot about the fact that marriage, gay or straight, is a pretty messed up institution in the first place. | And, perhaps most importantly, we forgot about the fact that marriage, gay or straight, is a pretty messed up institution in the first place. |
| Roughly half of marriages end in divorce in the United States because marriage isn't that great. There's plenty of research that suggests monogamy can harm a relationship more than help it. I won't even get into the anti-feminist aspects of marriage, except to say marriage was created as a property rights transfer mechanism, not as a way for two consenting adults to express love. | Roughly half of marriages end in divorce in the United States because marriage isn't that great. There's plenty of research that suggests monogamy can harm a relationship more than help it. I won't even get into the anti-feminist aspects of marriage, except to say marriage was created as a property rights transfer mechanism, not as a way for two consenting adults to express love. |
| Perhaps my generation is the first to recognize the flaws of marriage. That could explain why the marriage rate in the US is the lowest it's been (pdf) since demographers started studying these things. My generation is more likely to hook up with random strangers, live together without legal status and eschew traditional gender roles, and I think that's a good thing. | Perhaps my generation is the first to recognize the flaws of marriage. That could explain why the marriage rate in the US is the lowest it's been (pdf) since demographers started studying these things. My generation is more likely to hook up with random strangers, live together without legal status and eschew traditional gender roles, and I think that's a good thing. |
| These facts make the gay movement's struggle for equality that much more irrelevant. We poured billions into an institution that was already crumbing beneath our feet. | These facts make the gay movement's struggle for equality that much more irrelevant. We poured billions into an institution that was already crumbing beneath our feet. |
| Still, back in June, even as I was ruminating on all of these arguments against marriage, I had no doubt in my mind that I wanted to propose to my boyfriend. I'd think about our wedding as I fell asleep. Every time I talked to friends, I couldn't help but gab about wanting to tie the knot. I obsessed for hours about which ring to buy (and the ring is pretty cool). | Still, back in June, even as I was ruminating on all of these arguments against marriage, I had no doubt in my mind that I wanted to propose to my boyfriend. I'd think about our wedding as I fell asleep. Every time I talked to friends, I couldn't help but gab about wanting to tie the knot. I obsessed for hours about which ring to buy (and the ring is pretty cool). |
| Despite being very conscious of my objections to marriage, I can't escape the fact that I live in a society that teaches us it's the ultimate expression of love. I tell my self I don't care about marriage, but I – like so many other Americans – have also placed a tremendous amount of value on it. | Despite being very conscious of my objections to marriage, I can't escape the fact that I live in a society that teaches us it's the ultimate expression of love. I tell my self I don't care about marriage, but I – like so many other Americans – have also placed a tremendous amount of value on it. |
| Maybe one day I'll find another way to show my boyfriend I care for him that doesn't involve participating in a deeply flawed system. Until then, I simply know no other way to express my love. | Maybe one day I'll find another way to show my boyfriend I care for him that doesn't involve participating in a deeply flawed system. Until then, I simply know no other way to express my love. |
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