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| Version 0 | Version 1 |
|---|---|
| America's new poodle: a memo to François Hollande | America's new poodle: a memo to François Hollande |
| (17 days later) | |
| OBEDIENCE LESSONS FOR THE NEW POODLE | OBEDIENCE LESSONS FOR THE NEW POODLE |
| Confidential/Confidentiel defense | Confidential/Confidentiel defense |
| Fr: US Department of State | Fr: US Department of State |
| To: President François Hollande | To: President François Hollande |
| Dear M le President, | Dear M le President, |
| Welcome aboard! As our newest oldest ally, we are grateful for your timely support in this matter. The president has always been a great admirer of your country and its culture, and he's a huge fan of your mustard. Most importantly, when his old poodle ran away and we decided to get him a new one just like it, you were there. | Welcome aboard! As our newest oldest ally, we are grateful for your timely support in this matter. The president has always been a great admirer of your country and its culture, and he's a huge fan of your mustard. Most importantly, when his old poodle ran away and we decided to get him a new one just like it, you were there. |
| Here are a few guidelines that will help keep our alliance a fruitful one: | Here are a few guidelines that will help keep our alliance a fruitful one: |
| 1. You should not feel under any obligation to ape President Obama's every statement and position. For example, just because he feels the need to put his plan of action before his country's legislature for approval, that doesn't mean you have to do the same. | 1. You should not feel under any obligation to ape President Obama's every statement and position. For example, just because he feels the need to put his plan of action before his country's legislature for approval, that doesn't mean you have to do the same. |
| 2. Once action is undertaken, our policy will be to Stay the Course. Your policy is to Stay. | 2. Once action is undertaken, our policy will be to Stay the Course. Your policy is to Stay. |
| 3. When in doubt, roll over. | 3. When in doubt, roll over. |
| 4. The president does not enjoy being bothered with needy appeals regarding the importance of the "special relationship", especially late at night. He really likes you, but he just got out of a previous special relationship and wants to take things slowly. | 4. The president does not enjoy being bothered with needy appeals regarding the importance of the "special relationship", especially late at night. He really likes you, but he just got out of a previous special relationship and wants to take things slowly. |
| 5. For the sake of sending a coherent message, the US will take the lead on any military action. But fear not: you will be firmly on the end of that lead. | 5. For the sake of sending a coherent message, the US will take the lead on any military action. But fear not: you will be firmly on the end of that lead. |
| 6. If a time should come when support for US policy becomes politically unfeasible for you, the president will release a statement insisting that our valuable alliance remains unchanged. This will be the opposite of what he means. | 6. If a time should come when support for US policy becomes politically unfeasible for you, the president will release a statement insisting that our valuable alliance remains unchanged. This will be the opposite of what he means. |
| But you will also find that unwavering support for US aims comes with certain "treats". If you play your cards right, we might stop calling them Freedom Fries. | But you will also find that unwavering support for US aims comes with certain "treats". If you play your cards right, we might stop calling them Freedom Fries. |
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