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| What do relationships require to work? Not $200 vouchers | What do relationships require to work? Not $200 vouchers |
| (about 3 hours later) | |
| We have one week to go before Australia goes to the polls. Barely a day goes past without voters being subjected to the public touching of a baby, the awkward kissing of a woman, seductive promises and rather too much indiscriminate flirting to meet basic standards of civil decency. | |
| As unpleasant as it may be to watch yet another woman grimace in the face of Tony Abbott's awkward double-entendres, it's little wonder that the minds of those in the Liberal party have turned so publicly to romance. And in its ardent attempts to woo the electorate, what better romantic champion does the Liberal Party deserve than former Howard minister and family values man, Kevin Andrews? | As unpleasant as it may be to watch yet another woman grimace in the face of Tony Abbott's awkward double-entendres, it's little wonder that the minds of those in the Liberal party have turned so publicly to romance. And in its ardent attempts to woo the electorate, what better romantic champion does the Liberal Party deserve than former Howard minister and family values man, Kevin Andrews? |
| You may remember Andrews from those rosy summers of yore, when he distinguished himself as immigration minister by implying that African immigrants were unlikely to assimilate in Australia. He's a biblically-informed kind of guy, and his publicly expressed, black and white social values hark back to the days where men were men, women were tradeable goods, you could organise a bit of slavery in a weekend and everyone – everyone – was hip to a kaftan. | You may remember Andrews from those rosy summers of yore, when he distinguished himself as immigration minister by implying that African immigrants were unlikely to assimilate in Australia. He's a biblically-informed kind of guy, and his publicly expressed, black and white social values hark back to the days where men were men, women were tradeable goods, you could organise a bit of slavery in a weekend and everyone – everyone – was hip to a kaftan. |
| Andrews has now invested his full intellectual heft into a crusade of improving marriage rates in Australia. Only last year, he published a relationship Gospel According to Kevin, the book Maybe I Do - Modern Marriage and the Pursuit of Happiness. This year, he's thumping the tub with a belief that it's not climate change or the radical freaks from other religions who are screwing up the planet, but that humanity's in desperate trouble, gee whiz, because it's almost like women don't think marriage is so awesome anymore. | Andrews has now invested his full intellectual heft into a crusade of improving marriage rates in Australia. Only last year, he published a relationship Gospel According to Kevin, the book Maybe I Do - Modern Marriage and the Pursuit of Happiness. This year, he's thumping the tub with a belief that it's not climate change or the radical freaks from other religions who are screwing up the planet, but that humanity's in desperate trouble, gee whiz, because it's almost like women don't think marriage is so awesome anymore. |
| All of which would be fine if he was an over-zealous blogger from a particularly socially-dysfunctional prayer group, whacking pronouncements into his keyboard late at night with too many exclamation marks. People you don't like having access to twitter is the price we pay for free speech, after all. | All of which would be fine if he was an over-zealous blogger from a particularly socially-dysfunctional prayer group, whacking pronouncements into his keyboard late at night with too many exclamation marks. People you don't like having access to twitter is the price we pay for free speech, after all. |
| But Andrews isn't confined to a chorus of cranks on twitter. He's a former minister, and if Abbott gets elected and he may likely be a minister again. He's certainly pushing for some kind of policy leadership position, given his $20m announcement this week of an elected Coalition government funding a voucher-scheme for relationship counselling. | But Andrews isn't confined to a chorus of cranks on twitter. He's a former minister, and if Abbott gets elected and he may likely be a minister again. He's certainly pushing for some kind of policy leadership position, given his $20m announcement this week of an elected Coalition government funding a voucher-scheme for relationship counselling. |
| Andrews' policy has been met with great acclaim by the right-wing, conservative Australian Christian Lobby – an event which should alarm just about everybody, given their intense opposition to equal marriage and therefore the very notion of a secular and fair society. The program is open to all couples to solidify their bonds through the tender act of enabling the Coalition to create a parasite industry of "therapists" reliant on them for a by-proxy government cash handout. | Andrews' policy has been met with great acclaim by the right-wing, conservative Australian Christian Lobby – an event which should alarm just about everybody, given their intense opposition to equal marriage and therefore the very notion of a secular and fair society. The program is open to all couples to solidify their bonds through the tender act of enabling the Coalition to create a parasite industry of "therapists" reliant on them for a by-proxy government cash handout. |
| What qualifications are required by therapists to cash in the vouchers is as yet unclear, but I'd be willing to bet church-sponsored therapy may be a big winner, given how well religious organisations did financially out of the last Liberal government. It was not loaves and fishes but tasty barrels of pork shared amongst the faithful when Howard's government smashed up the Commonwealth Employment Service and let the churches run "employment services" – not to mention the ridiculous wastage of putting paid chaplains in state schools. | |
| However and to whom this middle-class welfare is dispensed, I'm not convinced of the value of giving $20m dollars to the therapy industry in a country where the denied provision of free childcare could actually save so many relationships so much strain. | |
| So in the name of budget efficiency, I'll save the Australian taxpayer $20m dollars from the largesse of the Liberal party by giving y'all some relationship advice for free. | So in the name of budget efficiency, I'll save the Australian taxpayer $20m dollars from the largesse of the Liberal party by giving y'all some relationship advice for free. |
| Humour | Humour |
| Possibly the most valuable commodity in a relationship is a shared sense of humour. You may think it's funny to reduce a woman to the value of her "sex appeal" and flirt with netballers in a way that would get a teacher fired, but it's actually sexist and creepy. To build relationship harmony, try and draw attention to subjects that everyone finds funny – like Eric Abetz, or Sophie Mirabella's Indi campaign. | Possibly the most valuable commodity in a relationship is a shared sense of humour. You may think it's funny to reduce a woman to the value of her "sex appeal" and flirt with netballers in a way that would get a teacher fired, but it's actually sexist and creepy. To build relationship harmony, try and draw attention to subjects that everyone finds funny – like Eric Abetz, or Sophie Mirabella's Indi campaign. |
| Trust | Trust |
| Trust is vital to relationship health. As evolving forms of commitment often involve joint purchases of property, national infrastructure or shared bank accounts, it's important to win your partner's trust through openness and honesty. No one, after all, can make an effective decision without the complete truth, so you may want to announce your complete budget costings before the election in the spirit of a transparent democracy. | Trust is vital to relationship health. As evolving forms of commitment often involve joint purchases of property, national infrastructure or shared bank accounts, it's important to win your partner's trust through openness and honesty. No one, after all, can make an effective decision without the complete truth, so you may want to announce your complete budget costings before the election in the spirit of a transparent democracy. |
| Respect | Respect |
| As Andrews knows all too well, the hippie who turns up in the final chapters of the bible says something like "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". This is why, while insisting that your family life should not be a target of political attack, you may wish to lay off jokes about how the former prime minister's father "died of shame", and treat women as individual entities, not walking tit baskets. | As Andrews knows all too well, the hippie who turns up in the final chapters of the bible says something like "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". This is why, while insisting that your family life should not be a target of political attack, you may wish to lay off jokes about how the former prime minister's father "died of shame", and treat women as individual entities, not walking tit baskets. |
| A pleasant home environment | A pleasant home environment |
| A clean home where all partners take shared responsibility for household management is a place of comfort and emotional reassurance. A whacking great freeway across Melbourne that destroys parks, devalues homes and limits the accessibility of senior citizens to community services for the sake of a mere 15 minute shorter journey (and at a cost of a million dollars a metre) is not. | |
| Let me assure you, Australia – if you follow my advice and its implications to the letter, come Saturday September 7, you'll be saving a lot more on therapy than a $200 bloody voucher is ever likely to provide. | Let me assure you, Australia – if you follow my advice and its implications to the letter, come Saturday September 7, you'll be saving a lot more on therapy than a $200 bloody voucher is ever likely to provide. |