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| Royal baby rumbled: the science behind a royal birth | Royal baby rumbled: the science behind a royal birth |
| (2 months later) | |
| The Duchess of Cambridge very recently gave birth to a baby boy. This has caused much of the UK media and beyond to go into overdrive as the story develops. Those not familiar with the UK and its complex relationship with "ruling" monarchs may be a bit confused. A woman nine months pregnant going to hospital to give birth is not an uncommon occurrence in the UK, so why all the fuss? | The Duchess of Cambridge very recently gave birth to a baby boy. This has caused much of the UK media and beyond to go into overdrive as the story develops. Those not familiar with the UK and its complex relationship with "ruling" monarchs may be a bit confused. A woman nine months pregnant going to hospital to give birth is not an uncommon occurrence in the UK, so why all the fuss? |
| There are many reasons, political, ideological, traditional, cultural – all of these contribute to the general interest. But the birth of a royal also has many interesting scientific features that make it different from a regular birth among us commoners, and these have often had far-reaching impacts that are still felt today. | There are many reasons, political, ideological, traditional, cultural – all of these contribute to the general interest. But the birth of a royal also has many interesting scientific features that make it different from a regular birth among us commoners, and these have often had far-reaching impacts that are still felt today. |
| The prenatal stage | The prenatal stage |
| During the development of the foetus, the royal mother is subject to the same factors that any expectant mother is affected by, only better ones. Royal mothers undergo regular scans to check on the health and development of the foetus. Typically, these scanners use ultrasound. However, ultrasound is a safe and widespread technique used by everyone. Royals need superior treatment, otherwise what's the point? This is why scans on royal mothers use ultrasupersound, which is a lot like ultrasound only better, in that it's more powerful, provides automatic colour images and better resolution. | During the development of the foetus, the royal mother is subject to the same factors that any expectant mother is affected by, only better ones. Royal mothers undergo regular scans to check on the health and development of the foetus. Typically, these scanners use ultrasound. However, ultrasound is a safe and widespread technique used by everyone. Royals need superior treatment, otherwise what's the point? This is why scans on royal mothers use ultrasupersound, which is a lot like ultrasound only better, in that it's more powerful, provides automatic colour images and better resolution. |
| Its more powerful properties can be problematic though, in that it can sometimes upset corgis. Also, subjecting foetuses to powerful stimuli can possibly affect their development, which is why some members of the royal family have bigger than average ears. | Its more powerful properties can be problematic though, in that it can sometimes upset corgis. Also, subjecting foetuses to powerful stimuli can possibly affect their development, which is why some members of the royal family have bigger than average ears. |
| During pregnancy, a royal mother may also experience cravings. This is perfectly natural, but can have far-reaching consequences. In the late 14th century, it is believed that an unspecified queen developed a particularly pronounced craving for inedible substances (known as pica), and her craving was for diamonds and rubies. This may have just been a ruse to obtain more valuable gems, but either way monarchs have collected and hoarded valuable stones for centuries, just in case. It is also thought that Jayne Seymour, 3rd wife of Henry VIII and mother of Edward VI, developed a serious craving for swan during her pregnancy, but they were difficult to obtain at the time. From then on, the monarchy laid claim to swans. | During pregnancy, a royal mother may also experience cravings. This is perfectly natural, but can have far-reaching consequences. In the late 14th century, it is believed that an unspecified queen developed a particularly pronounced craving for inedible substances (known as pica), and her craving was for diamonds and rubies. This may have just been a ruse to obtain more valuable gems, but either way monarchs have collected and hoarded valuable stones for centuries, just in case. It is also thought that Jayne Seymour, 3rd wife of Henry VIII and mother of Edward VI, developed a serious craving for swan during her pregnancy, but they were difficult to obtain at the time. From then on, the monarchy laid claim to swans. |
| The birth | The birth |
| As with any pregnancy, giving birth for a royal comes with many hazards. Overcoming these is actually more difficult for members of the royal family, given the prestige and tradition that comes with the position. It would be unethical and impolite to discuss the intimate anatomical details of any woman's pregnancy, but this is even more important for royalty. The recent scandal over the photos taken of a topless Duchess of Cambridge showed that the law is willing to intervene to prevent people seeing members of the royal family in a state of undress. Similarly, established law requires that a royal birth is overseen by a team of specialist doctors, surgeons and midwives, all of whom are blindfolded and trained to use echolocation to perform their roles. | As with any pregnancy, giving birth for a royal comes with many hazards. Overcoming these is actually more difficult for members of the royal family, given the prestige and tradition that comes with the position. It would be unethical and impolite to discuss the intimate anatomical details of any woman's pregnancy, but this is even more important for royalty. The recent scandal over the photos taken of a topless Duchess of Cambridge showed that the law is willing to intervene to prevent people seeing members of the royal family in a state of undress. Similarly, established law requires that a royal birth is overseen by a team of specialist doctors, surgeons and midwives, all of whom are blindfolded and trained to use echolocation to perform their roles. |
| Given the intrinsic value of a royal person's physical form, it was previously decided that any medical procedure performed on a royal should only be done with instruments made from pure gold. However, despite gold being used for numerous medical applications, gold is far too soft and malleable a material to be used in something like a scalpel. So this idea was quickly abandoned. Similarly, in the 70s it was suggested that any member of the royal family who was placed on a life support monitor could have it hooked up to Big Ben, so that the bell would ring in time with the patient's heartbeat. This idea was rejected for being "ridiculous and impractical to the point of insanity". | Given the intrinsic value of a royal person's physical form, it was previously decided that any medical procedure performed on a royal should only be done with instruments made from pure gold. However, despite gold being used for numerous medical applications, gold is far too soft and malleable a material to be used in something like a scalpel. So this idea was quickly abandoned. Similarly, in the 70s it was suggested that any member of the royal family who was placed on a life support monitor could have it hooked up to Big Ben, so that the bell would ring in time with the patient's heartbeat. This idea was rejected for being "ridiculous and impractical to the point of insanity". |
| Pregnancy will usually feature some blood loss, and the blood of royals must be stored safely as soon as possible. It is believed to have healing properties (dating back at least to the execution of Charles I) and is obviously in very short supply. This means the royal family is under constant threat from poachers. This is why they're surrounded by several layers of security and a pack of attack corgis at all times. | Pregnancy will usually feature some blood loss, and the blood of royals must be stored safely as soon as possible. It is believed to have healing properties (dating back at least to the execution of Charles I) and is obviously in very short supply. This means the royal family is under constant threat from poachers. This is why they're surrounded by several layers of security and a pack of attack corgis at all times. |
| Following the successful genetic engineering of blue roses, research is now being done into producing actual blue blood, in case any royal needs a transplant. | Following the successful genetic engineering of blue roses, research is now being done into producing actual blue blood, in case any royal needs a transplant. |
| There is also the economic impact, as every time a member of the royal family cuts an umbilical cord, 100 new shops and attractions are automatically opened. | There is also the economic impact, as every time a member of the royal family cuts an umbilical cord, 100 new shops and attractions are automatically opened. |
| Following the birth | Following the birth |
| People are obviously very interested in what happens following the birth of a royal baby. In the past, following a birth, armies of trained jesters were sent to all towns in the UK, where they would wander the streets and make observations, quips and jokes about the news to anyone who was willing to listen. These days this function is provided by Twitter, and supposed science bloggers who are willing to make up crazy facts in a forlorn attempt to puncture some of the nauseating media fawning that is going on | People are obviously very interested in what happens following the birth of a royal baby. In the past, following a birth, armies of trained jesters were sent to all towns in the UK, where they would wander the streets and make observations, quips and jokes about the news to anyone who was willing to listen. These days this function is provided by Twitter, and supposed science bloggers who are willing to make up crazy facts in a forlorn attempt to puncture some of the nauseating media fawning that is going on |
| Dean Burnett freely admits he made up the majority of this blog and has little or no knowledge about medical procedures involving the royal family. He can be followed on Twitter, @garwboy, assuming the Tower of London has wi-fi. | Dean Burnett freely admits he made up the majority of this blog and has little or no knowledge about medical procedures involving the royal family. He can be followed on Twitter, @garwboy, assuming the Tower of London has wi-fi. |
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