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| Indian Ocean tsunami: the parents rebuilding their families | Indian Ocean tsunami: the parents rebuilding their families |
| (2 months later) | |
| Arsalen stands on the porch of her home, shaded from the sun. Her husband, Malayiarsan, appears, followed by Sheyam, eight, Priya, five, and Vishal, three. All have been born since the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, in which the couple lost three children, including a 16-day-old baby. | Arsalen stands on the porch of her home, shaded from the sun. Her husband, Malayiarsan, appears, followed by Sheyam, eight, Priya, five, and Vishal, three. All have been born since the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, in which the couple lost three children, including a 16-day-old baby. |
| Tamil Nadu was the worst affected state in India: three-quarters of all the tsunami deaths occurred there. The coastline was hit at 8.15am on 26 December by waves reaching 30 metres, one of the deadliest natural disasters in recorded history. In Tamil Nadu almost 8,000 people died, the majority of them women and children. | Tamil Nadu was the worst affected state in India: three-quarters of all the tsunami deaths occurred there. The coastline was hit at 8.15am on 26 December by waves reaching 30 metres, one of the deadliest natural disasters in recorded history. In Tamil Nadu almost 8,000 people died, the majority of them women and children. |
| Many of these women had been busy with household chores when they heard the roar of the first wave and lost precious minutes picking up their children, deciding whether to stay or run. Few escaped. Some died because their hair got caught in thorny trees blown towards them; they were found this way along the edge of the sea, the children they'd been carrying sucked away. Some were caught by their saris and would not free themselves for fear of being seen naked. Others were trapped by debris. | Many of these women had been busy with household chores when they heard the roar of the first wave and lost precious minutes picking up their children, deciding whether to stay or run. Few escaped. Some died because their hair got caught in thorny trees blown towards them; they were found this way along the edge of the sea, the children they'd been carrying sucked away. Some were caught by their saris and would not free themselves for fear of being seen naked. Others were trapped by debris. |
| Malayiarsan, like most of the men here, is a fisherman; he and his family live on the tiny island of MGR Thittu. He was fishing by the shore with one of his sons when the tsunami struck. He managed to get to land with the boy in his arms. "But the sea was stronger than I was and although I pitched all my strength against the water, the boy was swept from me. My other son who had come outside was dead, too." | Malayiarsan, like most of the men here, is a fisherman; he and his family live on the tiny island of MGR Thittu. He was fishing by the shore with one of his sons when the tsunami struck. He managed to get to land with the boy in his arms. "But the sea was stronger than I was and although I pitched all my strength against the water, the boy was swept from me. My other son who had come outside was dead, too." |
| He ran to the house. Arsalen had been hit by a falling tree as she tried to reach the baby's room and was unconscious. The baby died. | He ran to the house. Arsalen had been hit by a falling tree as she tried to reach the baby's room and was unconscious. The baby died. |
| That day, he says quietly, it was as though all their lives had ended. "We couldn't think of anything else. I started drinking to try to forget." | That day, he says quietly, it was as though all their lives had ended. "We couldn't think of anything else. I started drinking to try to forget." |
| Many of the men in the region did the same, some using the compensation money paid to those who had lost children. Families once harmonious were at risk of being torn apart by grief. | Many of the men in the region did the same, some using the compensation money paid to those who had lost children. Families once harmonious were at risk of being torn apart by grief. |
| Arsalen, listening to her husband, wipes her tears with the edge of her sari. "I was losing him," she says. "He was drinking so much and he was very depressed. I knew that without children he could see no point in life." In this coastal community, nearly 2,000 children died. | Arsalen, listening to her husband, wipes her tears with the edge of her sari. "I was losing him," she says. "He was drinking so much and he was very depressed. I knew that without children he could see no point in life." In this coastal community, nearly 2,000 children died. |
| Shortly before the tsunami, Arsalen had been sterilised, one of many women persuaded to have the operation as part of a government programme aimed at families with two or more children. She felt proud at having done the responsible thing. | Shortly before the tsunami, Arsalen had been sterilised, one of many women persuaded to have the operation as part of a government programme aimed at families with two or more children. She felt proud at having done the responsible thing. |
| It was Arsalen's story that compelled Anne Heslop, a photographer who was there three weeks after the tsunami, taking pictures for the charity Care International, to return a year later: "I was haunted by the memory of her saying, 'I am afraid my husband will leave me. We have lost all our children and I have been sterilised.' " This time, Heslop has returned to record how life is for these families nearly 10 years after the tsunami. | It was Arsalen's story that compelled Anne Heslop, a photographer who was there three weeks after the tsunami, taking pictures for the charity Care International, to return a year later: "I was haunted by the memory of her saying, 'I am afraid my husband will leave me. We have lost all our children and I have been sterilised.' " This time, Heslop has returned to record how life is for these families nearly 10 years after the tsunami. |
| For many, the prospect of life without children was unthinkable. Bakiyalakshmi, 33, and her husband, Sakthivel, 38, say they would have killed themselves had they not been able to have more. "I knew very little about the tsunami when it came," Bakiyalakshmi says. "I was bathing my three small children – two sons and a daughter – when the wave hit the house. I was swept away." | For many, the prospect of life without children was unthinkable. Bakiyalakshmi, 33, and her husband, Sakthivel, 38, say they would have killed themselves had they not been able to have more. "I knew very little about the tsunami when it came," Bakiyalakshmi says. "I was bathing my three small children – two sons and a daughter – when the wave hit the house. I was swept away." |
| Sakthivel was on the water, fishing from his boat. "The wave pitched me out, but I was able to save myself by swimming to shore. It was then I saw my wife stuck in the roof of our home, which had come off when it was washed away. She was naked, all her clothes ripped off by the water, and covered with wounds. She couldn't remember anything." His composure falters. "When we realised our children were nowhere to be found, I was lifeless. The only good thing was finding my wife alive – but how do you comfort each other knowing your children have gone for ever?" | Sakthivel was on the water, fishing from his boat. "The wave pitched me out, but I was able to save myself by swimming to shore. It was then I saw my wife stuck in the roof of our home, which had come off when it was washed away. She was naked, all her clothes ripped off by the water, and covered with wounds. She couldn't remember anything." His composure falters. "When we realised our children were nowhere to be found, I was lifeless. The only good thing was finding my wife alive – but how do you comfort each other knowing your children have gone for ever?" |
| After the tsunami, women such as Arsalen and Bakiyalakshmi endured grief, hunger, ill-health and homelessness. The loss of their fertility – the impossibility of recreating a family – added to their suffering. When Dr Bala Neelakandan, a surgeon with a general medical practice, visited the refugee camp where homeless families were being given shelter, he could see at once that "it wasn't food and blankets they needed from me, but something that would bring them to life again". He realised he could offer them the chance of regaining their fertility. Within weeks, with his wife Dr Jayanthi, he had set up a free clinic within his private practice, offering sterilisation reversals. | After the tsunami, women such as Arsalen and Bakiyalakshmi endured grief, hunger, ill-health and homelessness. The loss of their fertility – the impossibility of recreating a family – added to their suffering. When Dr Bala Neelakandan, a surgeon with a general medical practice, visited the refugee camp where homeless families were being given shelter, he could see at once that "it wasn't food and blankets they needed from me, but something that would bring them to life again". He realised he could offer them the chance of regaining their fertility. Within weeks, with his wife Dr Jayanthi, he had set up a free clinic within his private practice, offering sterilisation reversals. |
| Almost 100 women came to him. "Three-quarters had lost all their children. Under sedation, those who went for the operation sobbed and sobbed. They were calling to their children." | Almost 100 women came to him. "Three-quarters had lost all their children. Under sedation, those who went for the operation sobbed and sobbed. They were calling to their children." |
| He knew that even in the best circumstances only 60% of these recanalisation operations would be successful. And he was seeing women who were older, as well as others too traumatised or unwell to conceive, even if their fallopian tubes were successfully reconnected. "But it was very important to do the operation for them if they wanted it. They needed to feel they could take some control in a situation of such helplessness." | He knew that even in the best circumstances only 60% of these recanalisation operations would be successful. And he was seeing women who were older, as well as others too traumatised or unwell to conceive, even if their fallopian tubes were successfully reconnected. "But it was very important to do the operation for them if they wanted it. They needed to feel they could take some control in a situation of such helplessness." |
| Malarkodi, 32, and her husband, Sellakannu, 37, had lost three children in the tsunami; one son, Anbu Raj, now 17, had escaped by running to a neighbour's house inland. "I was crying all the time," Malarkodi says. "I couldn't eat or sleep." When she heard of the operation, she was determined to try it, even though her husband was worried about her health. "We were living in a tent, so I agreed to wait for our new home." | Malarkodi, 32, and her husband, Sellakannu, 37, had lost three children in the tsunami; one son, Anbu Raj, now 17, had escaped by running to a neighbour's house inland. "I was crying all the time," Malarkodi says. "I couldn't eat or sleep." When she heard of the operation, she was determined to try it, even though her husband was worried about her health. "We were living in a tent, so I agreed to wait for our new home." |
| Her recanalisation took place in 2005 and she became pregnant within 18 months. She miscarried but, knowing she was again fertile, kept trying for another child. It was three more years before Malarkodi became pregnant but, she says, "I had faith that God would give me a child. My husband was ecstatic when our daughter Kamala was born." | Her recanalisation took place in 2005 and she became pregnant within 18 months. She miscarried but, knowing she was again fertile, kept trying for another child. It was three more years before Malarkodi became pregnant but, she says, "I had faith that God would give me a child. My husband was ecstatic when our daughter Kamala was born." |
| Kamala is now four, but she will not try for more children. "We are happy again, most of the time," she says, "although when we think about our lost children it makes us sad. And I feel fearful these days. I do not like my children being far from me. I carry Kamala with me all the time." | Kamala is now four, but she will not try for more children. "We are happy again, most of the time," she says, "although when we think about our lost children it makes us sad. And I feel fearful these days. I do not like my children being far from me. I carry Kamala with me all the time." |
| Malarkodi at least knew she could become pregnant; for Neelakandan's patients who hadn't conceived, it was hard not knowing if there was any chance they ever would. So when Heslop returned after a year and offered to help, they set up a clinic where women could be tested to see if their tubes were clear; if not, they would be counselled, given adoption guidance or seen by an IVF expert. | Malarkodi at least knew she could become pregnant; for Neelakandan's patients who hadn't conceived, it was hard not knowing if there was any chance they ever would. So when Heslop returned after a year and offered to help, they set up a clinic where women could be tested to see if their tubes were clear; if not, they would be counselled, given adoption guidance or seen by an IVF expert. |
| Shanti, 30, and her husband, Swamynathan, 37, had lost four children under five and were tormented by thoughts of how they might have been able to save them. Hearing of the clinic, they decided to go for recanalisation. But Shanti had been very sick and her brother, wanting to protect her from surgery, offered her one of his children. "I knew that would not be right," she says, "and I went for the operation." She was Neelakandan's first patient. | Shanti, 30, and her husband, Swamynathan, 37, had lost four children under five and were tormented by thoughts of how they might have been able to save them. Hearing of the clinic, they decided to go for recanalisation. But Shanti had been very sick and her brother, wanting to protect her from surgery, offered her one of his children. "I knew that would not be right," she says, "and I went for the operation." She was Neelakandan's first patient. |
| A year later, Shanti had still not conceived. At the clinic she learned that her tubes were almost blocked, but then, three months later, to her shock and delight, she found out she was pregnant. | A year later, Shanti had still not conceived. At the clinic she learned that her tubes were almost blocked, but then, three months later, to her shock and delight, she found out she was pregnant. |
| Today, Shanti and Swamynathan sit side by side with their daughters on their knees, flowers in their hair. "We were so happy," she says, "and after that it was as though a miracle happened. We now have three girls who are so full of life and love." | Today, Shanti and Swamynathan sit side by side with their daughters on their knees, flowers in their hair. "We were so happy," she says, "and after that it was as though a miracle happened. We now have three girls who are so full of life and love." |
| Sumati, 42, did not get pregnant after the operation. She and her husband, Lakshmanan, 44, had lost three sons; two were found and buried, but it was 11 days before the army found the third. | Sumati, 42, did not get pregnant after the operation. She and her husband, Lakshmanan, 44, had lost three sons; two were found and buried, but it was 11 days before the army found the third. |
| When Sumati learned she would not conceive, they tried IVF. That did not work and they couldn't afford to try again. "I found it very hard to see other people with children," she says. "Adoption seemed a possibility and I said we should try for this." | When Sumati learned she would not conceive, they tried IVF. That did not work and they couldn't afford to try again. "I found it very hard to see other people with children," she says. "Adoption seemed a possibility and I said we should try for this." |
| They found a baby boy in need of a home and adoption was agreed. Nazarath is now five. Sumati smiles as he bounds through the front door, followed by a gaggle of loudly chattering children. "He is our child and we feel about him just as we did about our own children," she says, "but of course he cannot replace those we lost." | They found a baby boy in need of a home and adoption was agreed. Nazarath is now five. Sumati smiles as he bounds through the front door, followed by a gaggle of loudly chattering children. "He is our child and we feel about him just as we did about our own children," she says, "but of course he cannot replace those we lost." |
| For Kumari, now 37, that loss was of two daughters who had been "playing as they did every day outside, while I did chores". When the water entered the house, she was swept up and fainted. She had no chance even to try to save them. Her third daughter, Nisha, was found terrified but unharmed on top of a cupboard. | For Kumari, now 37, that loss was of two daughters who had been "playing as they did every day outside, while I did chores". When the water entered the house, she was swept up and fainted. She had no chance even to try to save them. Her third daughter, Nisha, was found terrified but unharmed on top of a cupboard. |
| The depression that engulfed Kumari led her to a psychiatrist and it was he who suggested the operation. Kumari was unsure: "The idea of going through it and becoming pregnant frightened me as I was very weak. And there was the fear that the horror we'd been through could happen again." | The depression that engulfed Kumari led her to a psychiatrist and it was he who suggested the operation. Kumari was unsure: "The idea of going through it and becoming pregnant frightened me as I was very weak. And there was the fear that the horror we'd been through could happen again." |
| But she and her husband, Selvakumar, 38, went ahead, and conceived their son Kamlesh, now seven. "My husband was even happier than at my first childbirths because he had not believed we would have more children," she says. It brought happiness to Nisha, too, now 19 and a mother herself. "She was lonely as a single child and was as shocked as we were at losing the other children. She was happy to have a new brother." | But she and her husband, Selvakumar, 38, went ahead, and conceived their son Kamlesh, now seven. "My husband was even happier than at my first childbirths because he had not believed we would have more children," she says. It brought happiness to Nisha, too, now 19 and a mother herself. "She was lonely as a single child and was as shocked as we were at losing the other children. She was happy to have a new brother." |
| Kumari pauses to show a photograph of her dead daughters, sweet, serious-faced girls. Softly, she says: "I feel they have their hands on me." | Kumari pauses to show a photograph of her dead daughters, sweet, serious-faced girls. Softly, she says: "I feel they have their hands on me." |
| Theirs is a happiness echoed by Sakthivel and Bakiyalakshmi, who went for the operation a few weeks after the tsunami. Bakiyalakshmi had a fever and feared it would not work, but she was given medicine and within seven months had conceived. She was 29 when Suji was born and says: "We were joyous to have this new child but we wanted more, to build a bigger family again. We were so lucky to have two more children." | Theirs is a happiness echoed by Sakthivel and Bakiyalakshmi, who went for the operation a few weeks after the tsunami. Bakiyalakshmi had a fever and feared it would not work, but she was given medicine and within seven months had conceived. She was 29 when Suji was born and says: "We were joyous to have this new child but we wanted more, to build a bigger family again. We were so lucky to have two more children." |
| Both take comfort in the fact that their youngest son looks "exactly like the one we lost". Bakiyalakshmi says: "We are happy again now but our hearts are not as strong as they used to be." | Both take comfort in the fact that their youngest son looks "exactly like the one we lost". Bakiyalakshmi says: "We are happy again now but our hearts are not as strong as they used to be." |
| For Arsalen, painfully thin and unwell, there seemed no hope. She went to see Neelakandan, but her husband and her sister, Thangaratham, were afraid she would not survive the operation and persuaded her not to have it. In this helpless state, she had an idea: "Arsalen suggested her sister should have children with me," Malayiarsan says. "She wanted our family to flourish again." | For Arsalen, painfully thin and unwell, there seemed no hope. She went to see Neelakandan, but her husband and her sister, Thangaratham, were afraid she would not survive the operation and persuaded her not to have it. In this helpless state, she had an idea: "Arsalen suggested her sister should have children with me," Malayiarsan says. "She wanted our family to flourish again." |
| Arsalen had a vision of the three of them living together, sharing the children Thangaratham, now 24, would have. She knew it was a lot to ask of her younger sister, who would be sacrificing the chance of her own husband and family life. But Thangaratham says: "My sister and I have always been very close and her distress was terrible to see. I wanted to do as she asked." | Arsalen had a vision of the three of them living together, sharing the children Thangaratham, now 24, would have. She knew it was a lot to ask of her younger sister, who would be sacrificing the chance of her own husband and family life. But Thangaratham says: "My sister and I have always been very close and her distress was terrible to see. I wanted to do as she asked." |
| A temple ceremony took place to formalise the relationship and Thangaratham moved in. A short time later, she was pregnant with Sheyam. For Arsalen the birth was a time of happiness she had never imagined. "I took care of my sister through the pregnancy and delivered Sheyam in our home, so I knew and held him from that first moment." | A temple ceremony took place to formalise the relationship and Thangaratham moved in. A short time later, she was pregnant with Sheyam. For Arsalen the birth was a time of happiness she had never imagined. "I took care of my sister through the pregnancy and delivered Sheyam in our home, so I knew and held him from that first moment." |
| She did the same for the next two children, Priya and Vishal, and has been as involved as Thangaratham in caring for them; the children regard both women equally as mothers. But it is clear that Arsalen remains the matriarch in the home – a status that diminishes any loss she may feel in sharing Malayiarsan. "None of us felt bad about the situation; we are just a very closely bonded family. My sister has saved my life. If I had not had more children, I would have died a long time ago." | She did the same for the next two children, Priya and Vishal, and has been as involved as Thangaratham in caring for them; the children regard both women equally as mothers. But it is clear that Arsalen remains the matriarch in the home – a status that diminishes any loss she may feel in sharing Malayiarsan. "None of us felt bad about the situation; we are just a very closely bonded family. My sister has saved my life. If I had not had more children, I would have died a long time ago." |
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