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You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jul/14/david-mitchell-british-summer-sunshine
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| The British summer would be far more tolerable without sunshine | The British summer would be far more tolerable without sunshine |
| (2 months later) | |
| Now the sun is finally shining, many of us have been reminded of how annoying it is. It makes you sweat and squint, it burns your skin, it renders a smartphone, left casually on a table top, too hot to send texts. | Now the sun is finally shining, many of us have been reminded of how annoying it is. It makes you sweat and squint, it burns your skin, it renders a smartphone, left casually on a table top, too hot to send texts. |
| A few years ago, I went to a barbecue on a May afternoon in London. We were "lucky with the weather": the sun was shining. About a dozen of us, self-consciously grateful for the clear sky, sat awkwardly on the grass, pale and shiny, as the sunlight beat down – using one hand as an improvised peak or brim, because we'd forgotten to own hats, and the other to prop ourselves upright, because we'd forgotten to develop stomach muscles. | A few years ago, I went to a barbecue on a May afternoon in London. We were "lucky with the weather": the sun was shining. About a dozen of us, self-consciously grateful for the clear sky, sat awkwardly on the grass, pale and shiny, as the sunlight beat down – using one hand as an improvised peak or brim, because we'd forgotten to own hats, and the other to prop ourselves upright, because we'd forgotten to develop stomach muscles. |
| Then the sun went behind a cloud. There was a collective sigh of comfort, as if we'd all released our bladders, and then someone said, before they even realised they were doing it: "Oh that's nice!" Everyone turned to stare at the heretic. What did this mean? What were we to hope for now? It was like a weather-aspiration version of the last scene of The Graduate. | Then the sun went behind a cloud. There was a collective sigh of comfort, as if we'd all released our bladders, and then someone said, before they even realised they were doing it: "Oh that's nice!" Everyone turned to stare at the heretic. What did this mean? What were we to hope for now? It was like a weather-aspiration version of the last scene of The Graduate. |
| The grass is always greener, I suppose. Where it rains a lot. But, as our lawns are scorched the brown of a Wimbledon second-week baseline, and the waters temporarily recede from the streets of Tewkesbury to reveal a letter announcing a hosepipe ban on every sodden doormat, and our big cities come to smell ever more pungently of bins, many are realising they can't stand the heat – yet the whole world seems suddenly to be a kitchen. | The grass is always greener, I suppose. Where it rains a lot. But, as our lawns are scorched the brown of a Wimbledon second-week baseline, and the waters temporarily recede from the streets of Tewkesbury to reveal a letter announcing a hosepipe ban on every sodden doormat, and our big cities come to smell ever more pungently of bins, many are realising they can't stand the heat – yet the whole world seems suddenly to be a kitchen. |
| Well, not quite. Here are a few summer activity ideas for those who've seen the heretical truth – that sun and rain are no more than uncomfortable phenomena that plants need – and have resolved to treat those two impostors just the same. These leisure pursuits look to the future, when we'll have irritated the planet's climate so much that the outdoors will just be that unsafe place where we sometimes go to extract resources. | Well, not quite. Here are a few summer activity ideas for those who've seen the heretical truth – that sun and rain are no more than uncomfortable phenomena that plants need – and have resolved to treat those two impostors just the same. These leisure pursuits look to the future, when we'll have irritated the planet's climate so much that the outdoors will just be that unsafe place where we sometimes go to extract resources. |
| The Armageddon Project, Caithness | The Armageddon Project, Caithness |
| At the other end of both the country and the Bible from Cornwall's Eden Project, this makes much less horticultural use of its geodesic dome. Powered by whirling wind turbines, it's a place of cold, darkness and tins. This is an inventive attraction that genuinely makes the prospect of apocalypse fun. There are dozens of jolly activities: you can watch old music videos on a cracked iPad while wearing a gas mask, or start your own fire out of plastic packaging on the surface of a fallen gravestone, or try to shoot down an out-of-control drone by firing an air rifle or throwing bricks. | At the other end of both the country and the Bible from Cornwall's Eden Project, this makes much less horticultural use of its geodesic dome. Powered by whirling wind turbines, it's a place of cold, darkness and tins. This is an inventive attraction that genuinely makes the prospect of apocalypse fun. There are dozens of jolly activities: you can watch old music videos on a cracked iPad while wearing a gas mask, or start your own fire out of plastic packaging on the surface of a fallen gravestone, or try to shoot down an out-of-control drone by firing an air rifle or throwing bricks. |
| Basingstoke's World of Cutlery | Basingstoke's World of Cutlery |
| Sadly not as fascinating as the name makes it sound, this museum rather rushes its account of the development of the three main pieces of cutlery, makes brief and racist reference to the chopstick, and devotes most of its space to speculating as to "the next great piece of cutlery to be discovered". A small display dismissing the spork as a "technological cul-de-sac reminiscent of the fax machine" is followed by thousands of hypothetical designs for such utensils as the "melon-baller of the future – this baby could ball granite", the "spatu-field – the new virtual spatula that turns eggs using magnetism" and "Zappo-crab – the las(i)er way of eating seafood". | Sadly not as fascinating as the name makes it sound, this museum rather rushes its account of the development of the three main pieces of cutlery, makes brief and racist reference to the chopstick, and devotes most of its space to speculating as to "the next great piece of cutlery to be discovered". A small display dismissing the spork as a "technological cul-de-sac reminiscent of the fax machine" is followed by thousands of hypothetical designs for such utensils as the "melon-baller of the future – this baby could ball granite", the "spatu-field – the new virtual spatula that turns eggs using magnetism" and "Zappo-crab – the las(i)er way of eating seafood". |
| The Indoor Snowboarding Centre, Wolverhampton | The Indoor Snowboarding Centre, Wolverhampton |
| Adapted from a former Iceland storage depot, this makes great use of a refrigerated warehouse. While still waiting for council funding, the centre has improvised a slope from stacked out-of-date frozen chicken tikka pizza minibites, and covered a wall in mattresses to absorb the snowboarders' momentum at the bottom of the icy snack stack. Injuries are a daily occurrence, but the centre offers a two-for-one entrance deal to anyone willing to sign a form waiving the sanctity of their lives. | Adapted from a former Iceland storage depot, this makes great use of a refrigerated warehouse. While still waiting for council funding, the centre has improvised a slope from stacked out-of-date frozen chicken tikka pizza minibites, and covered a wall in mattresses to absorb the snowboarders' momentum at the bottom of the icy snack stack. Injuries are a daily occurrence, but the centre offers a two-for-one entrance deal to anyone willing to sign a form waiving the sanctity of their lives. |
| The Story of Storage, Edgware | The Story of Storage, Edgware |
| "The story of Britain's post-industrial decline is the story of storage. As we enter our dotage as a civilisation, we make less and keep more. Our cities' ringroads have become lined with storage units – places where the billions of dusty knick-knacks of senile Britannia are now housed." So says Richard E Grant in a rather haunting audio-guide. Other than the dozens of different types of storage unit now available and an insightful video on the aspects of the human psyche that compel us to hoard, you can see the shelving units in which the full accounts of the first two Harry Potter movies were stored for the seven years required by HM Revenue and Customs. | "The story of Britain's post-industrial decline is the story of storage. As we enter our dotage as a civilisation, we make less and keep more. Our cities' ringroads have become lined with storage units – places where the billions of dusty knick-knacks of senile Britannia are now housed." So says Richard E Grant in a rather haunting audio-guide. Other than the dozens of different types of storage unit now available and an insightful video on the aspects of the human psyche that compel us to hoard, you can see the shelving units in which the full accounts of the first two Harry Potter movies were stored for the seven years required by HM Revenue and Customs. |
| The Museum of the Cuddly Owl, Whitby | The Museum of the Cuddly Owl, Whitby |
| "Years ago, these ruthless nocturnal predators were famed for their wisdom. They wore mortarboards and gowns when they weren't killing mammals, and often stood in front of blackboards, working on their Latin. But now, post-TOWIE and FHM, we're only interested in how they look, and so the admiration of their haughty wisdom has turned to an urge to cuddle. It's a sexless cuddle, but a cuddle nonetheless, and that is why they've been given their own museum. Their knowledge silenced, their learning forgotten, and the only hint at their once renowned intelligence the fact that several hundred of the examples in this collection are still wearing glasses or a monocle. But this only makes them even more cuddly. That is their tragedy." So reads the brochure for this museum, which, due to funding cuts, now contains only five owls. | "Years ago, these ruthless nocturnal predators were famed for their wisdom. They wore mortarboards and gowns when they weren't killing mammals, and often stood in front of blackboards, working on their Latin. But now, post-TOWIE and FHM, we're only interested in how they look, and so the admiration of their haughty wisdom has turned to an urge to cuddle. It's a sexless cuddle, but a cuddle nonetheless, and that is why they've been given their own museum. Their knowledge silenced, their learning forgotten, and the only hint at their once renowned intelligence the fact that several hundred of the examples in this collection are still wearing glasses or a monocle. But this only makes them even more cuddly. That is their tragedy." So reads the brochure for this museum, which, due to funding cuts, now contains only five owls. |
| Channel 5's New Bedlam | Channel 5's New Bedlam |
| Throughout the summer, free tickets are available to watch recordings of Channel 5's latest attempt to dominate the daytime TV ratings. "We were looking for something that could trump Jeremy Kyle," explains the channel's head of daytime commissioning, who doubles as Middle East correspondent of the Daily Express, "and, as always in this business, the answer was revamping something that had been done before." But this wasn't a reimagining of a 1970s TV format but of a much older idea. "Reality TV has been criticised for being a sort of 'new Bedlam', and at 5 we believe it's important to listen to our critics. The Bethlehem hospital was packing them in for centuries. Watching the mentally ill caper in their own filth was London's number one tourist attraction – in between public executions – until it, like smoking indoors and The Black and White Minstrel Show, fell victim to political correctness. Our thoroughly ironic take on the idea of gawping at the unfortunate seemed like a perfect way for Justin Lee Collins to work out the rest of his contract." | Throughout the summer, free tickets are available to watch recordings of Channel 5's latest attempt to dominate the daytime TV ratings. "We were looking for something that could trump Jeremy Kyle," explains the channel's head of daytime commissioning, who doubles as Middle East correspondent of the Daily Express, "and, as always in this business, the answer was revamping something that had been done before." But this wasn't a reimagining of a 1970s TV format but of a much older idea. "Reality TV has been criticised for being a sort of 'new Bedlam', and at 5 we believe it's important to listen to our critics. The Bethlehem hospital was packing them in for centuries. Watching the mentally ill caper in their own filth was London's number one tourist attraction – in between public executions – until it, like smoking indoors and The Black and White Minstrel Show, fell victim to political correctness. Our thoroughly ironic take on the idea of gawping at the unfortunate seemed like a perfect way for Justin Lee Collins to work out the rest of his contract." |
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