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| Simon Hoggart's week: The gurning Salmond's 'photo-bombing' was a dud | Simon Hoggart's week: The gurning Salmond's 'photo-bombing' was a dud |
| (2 months later) | |
| ✒Those of us who support Scottish independence have had a difficult week. There was the sight of Alex Salmond gurning and waving the Scottish flag behind the prime minister's head at Andy Murray's match. He looked like one of those strange people who stand close to politicians being interviewed on College Green, outside the Houses of Parliament, flapping a sign that says "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord" or "Fracking kills." I fear that a lot of Scots must have thought, "we're supposed to have this man run all of our lives?" | ✒Those of us who support Scottish independence have had a difficult week. There was the sight of Alex Salmond gurning and waving the Scottish flag behind the prime minister's head at Andy Murray's match. He looked like one of those strange people who stand close to politicians being interviewed on College Green, outside the Houses of Parliament, flapping a sign that says "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord" or "Fracking kills." I fear that a lot of Scots must have thought, "we're supposed to have this man run all of our lives?" |
| But then happily the Ministry of Defence, surely the most cloth-headed of all government departments, came up with the idea of declaring that the Trident submarine base at Faslane would have to remain sovereign UK territory after independence, even though the Scottish National party insists that Scotland must be a nuclear-free zone. | But then happily the Ministry of Defence, surely the most cloth-headed of all government departments, came up with the idea of declaring that the Trident submarine base at Faslane would have to remain sovereign UK territory after independence, even though the Scottish National party insists that Scotland must be a nuclear-free zone. |
| I can't imagine anything that would infuriate Scots more. Our cause of a free Caledonia is not quite lost. | I can't imagine anything that would infuriate Scots more. Our cause of a free Caledonia is not quite lost. |
| ✒This week George Osborne joked that the reason he had sent out for a posh burger from a restaurant called Byron was that McDonald's had run out of McLobster. | ✒This week George Osborne joked that the reason he had sent out for a posh burger from a restaurant called Byron was that McDonald's had run out of McLobster. |
| We thought it was a joke, but there are McLobster sandwiches available in parts of Canada. And it used to be sold in the States. But it was too expensive – even though half the price of a real, hand-made, juicy, sea-fresh, crammed with luscious crustacean, lobster roll. | We thought it was a joke, but there are McLobster sandwiches available in parts of Canada. And it used to be sold in the States. But it was too expensive – even though half the price of a real, hand-made, juicy, sea-fresh, crammed with luscious crustacean, lobster roll. |
| I resolved never to go into a McDonald's (or "Mickey Dee's" as they would love to be called but never are) after they took legal action against two leafleters protesting at their methods. | I resolved never to go into a McDonald's (or "Mickey Dee's" as they would love to be called but never are) after they took legal action against two leafleters protesting at their methods. |
| But this week I was very hungry, and needed something quick and hot. In that street McDonald's was the only choice. Then the moment the very sweet lass behind the counter asked "may I help you?" I looked at the pictures of various food-style substances, the smell of cooking fat drifted into my nostrils, and I had to turn and walk out. | But this week I was very hungry, and needed something quick and hot. In that street McDonald's was the only choice. Then the moment the very sweet lass behind the counter asked "may I help you?" I looked at the pictures of various food-style substances, the smell of cooking fat drifted into my nostrils, and I had to turn and walk out. |
| Incidentally, on Thursday the chancellor explained why the coalition was going to stop unemployed people getting benefit for the first week: it would concentrate their minds on finding another job. (Instead of lazing on the sofa drinking beer, he implied.) | Incidentally, on Thursday the chancellor explained why the coalition was going to stop unemployed people getting benefit for the first week: it would concentrate their minds on finding another job. (Instead of lazing on the sofa drinking beer, he implied.) |
| Why is it that the only way the poor can be made to work is to give them less money, while the only thing that will get the rich to roll their sleeves up is to give them more? | Why is it that the only way the poor can be made to work is to give them less money, while the only thing that will get the rich to roll their sleeves up is to give them more? |
| ✒Last week I mentioned a joke about the man in a supermarket who asks for half a lettuce. The assistant goes to the end of the shop and says, "hey, some asshole wants to buy half a lettuce!" He spins around and sees the customer behind him. "And this gentleman would like to buy the other half!" | ✒Last week I mentioned a joke about the man in a supermarket who asks for half a lettuce. The assistant goes to the end of the shop and says, "hey, some asshole wants to buy half a lettuce!" He spins around and sees the customer behind him. "And this gentleman would like to buy the other half!" |
| Several readers have emailed to say there is a coda. The manager says, "you've obviously got great diplomatic skills. We want to promote you and have you run our Minneapolis (or Glasgow, or Rio) branch." | Several readers have emailed to say there is a coda. The manager says, "you've obviously got great diplomatic skills. We want to promote you and have you run our Minneapolis (or Glasgow, or Rio) branch." |
| The guy says, "Minneapolis? They're all whores and hockey players there!" | The guy says, "Minneapolis? They're all whores and hockey players there!" |
| The manager bristles. "My wife is from Minneapolis." | The manager bristles. "My wife is from Minneapolis." |
| "Really? What position does she play?" | "Really? What position does she play?" |
| ✒Brungg! The phone rings. It is Barry Cryer, who has been at the Oldie lunch, where speakers included Roy Hattersley and John Lloyd, who called Hatters "the eponymous hero of Spitting Image". Hattersley (who, I have to say, has never spat on me) took it very well. | ✒Brungg! The phone rings. It is Barry Cryer, who has been at the Oldie lunch, where speakers included Roy Hattersley and John Lloyd, who called Hatters "the eponymous hero of Spitting Image". Hattersley (who, I have to say, has never spat on me) took it very well. |
| ✒Some of you have asked about our kittens, born in March. They are fine – two have gone to excellent homes, and one is still with us. | ✒Some of you have asked about our kittens, born in March. They are fine – two have gone to excellent homes, and one is still with us. |
| She and her mother get on amazingly well, often holding mock wrestling matches. They crash around the house like teenage boys. One of PG Wodehouse's most famous lines is the description of a hangover, usually quoted as: "The door opened, and a cat stamped into the room." But ours do stamp. Thump, thump, thump outside the bedroom when they're hungry. At other times the kitten lies in wait on the vast savannah that is our garden, before spotting her mother and flying at her as if she was a wounded gnu. | She and her mother get on amazingly well, often holding mock wrestling matches. They crash around the house like teenage boys. One of PG Wodehouse's most famous lines is the description of a hangover, usually quoted as: "The door opened, and a cat stamped into the room." But ours do stamp. Thump, thump, thump outside the bedroom when they're hungry. At other times the kitten lies in wait on the vast savannah that is our garden, before spotting her mother and flying at her as if she was a wounded gnu. |
| She resembles Kato – played by Burt Kwouk, in the Pink Panther films – who is under instruction to assail Inspector Clouseau at any time, which of course means when it is least wanted. | She resembles Kato – played by Burt Kwouk, in the Pink Panther films – who is under instruction to assail Inspector Clouseau at any time, which of course means when it is least wanted. |
| ✒My colleague Rob Hutton is about to produce a book called Romps, Toffs and Boffins, which melds very well with the strand on our letters page about journalistic cliches. | ✒My colleague Rob Hutton is about to produce a book called Romps, Toffs and Boffins, which melds very well with the strand on our letters page about journalistic cliches. |
| The title, of course, refers to words that none of us use in real life, but which fit headlines perfectly. Another example is "Sirs", used to mean "schoolteachers", even for women in, say, primary schools. Or "branded", as in "Top doc branded 'useless' by watchdogs." | The title, of course, refers to words that none of us use in real life, but which fit headlines perfectly. Another example is "Sirs", used to mean "schoolteachers", even for women in, say, primary schools. Or "branded", as in "Top doc branded 'useless' by watchdogs." |
| Another strange usage is "unveil" meaning "to announce". This week the Metro freesheet said that Manuel Pellegrini had been "officially unveiled as the new manager of Manchester City," and I imagined the Queen pulling on a silken rope attached to the velvet cloth covering Mr Pellegrini's head. "I now declare this person manager of Manchester City …" | Another strange usage is "unveil" meaning "to announce". This week the Metro freesheet said that Manuel Pellegrini had been "officially unveiled as the new manager of Manchester City," and I imagined the Queen pulling on a silken rope attached to the velvet cloth covering Mr Pellegrini's head. "I now declare this person manager of Manchester City …" |
| ✒Labels: Neil Macehiter was alarmed in Sainsbury's to see a bottle of dishwasher rinse-aid labelled "part of a meal deal". Example of extreme colonic irrigation, he suggests. | ✒Labels: Neil Macehiter was alarmed in Sainsbury's to see a bottle of dishwasher rinse-aid labelled "part of a meal deal". Example of extreme colonic irrigation, he suggests. |
| And in the "as used by total idiots" section, Steve Bond bought a Fine As Rain brand spray head for a watering can. "Increase water pressure at the spray head by holding watering can at a sufficiently steep angle." | And in the "as used by total idiots" section, Steve Bond bought a Fine As Rain brand spray head for a watering can. "Increase water pressure at the spray head by holding watering can at a sufficiently steep angle." |
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