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| Miranda Kerr, being in a 'traditional' marriage is no recipe for happiness | Miranda Kerr, being in a 'traditional' marriage is no recipe for happiness |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| If you’re really an alpha female, you don’t allow [your partner] to have the space to feel like the man in the relationship. Maybe I am too traditional, but men feel important when you ask for their help, instead of thinking you can do it all on your own. | If you’re really an alpha female, you don’t allow [your partner] to have the space to feel like the man in the relationship. Maybe I am too traditional, but men feel important when you ask for their help, instead of thinking you can do it all on your own. |
| Thus spake, recently, Miranda Kerr – Australian supermodel, wife, mother and gender theorist. | Thus spake, recently, Miranda Kerr – Australian supermodel, wife, mother and gender theorist. |
| Her comments have had considerable media play of late – and not just because Kerr is beautiful and famous, or because she is married to a handsome and famous actor. It’s because commentators like me are sick of such sexist nonsense, and reach for their keyboards in lieu of a handy bag to spew into. | Her comments have had considerable media play of late – and not just because Kerr is beautiful and famous, or because she is married to a handsome and famous actor. It’s because commentators like me are sick of such sexist nonsense, and reach for their keyboards in lieu of a handy bag to spew into. |
| Kerr is enough of a celebrity that she could announce that zebras have 10 testicles or that NASA is going to fly her to the moon on a magic banana, and someone would run it as story – the accompanying photo would add some hot-looking click-bait to their pages. And I would prefer this to her tired stereotypes, if only because 10-testicled zebras and magic bananas face gross under-representation in the media. | Kerr is enough of a celebrity that she could announce that zebras have 10 testicles or that NASA is going to fly her to the moon on a magic banana, and someone would run it as story – the accompanying photo would add some hot-looking click-bait to their pages. And I would prefer this to her tired stereotypes, if only because 10-testicled zebras and magic bananas face gross under-representation in the media. |
| Massively over-represented, however, is the perpetuation of mythologies of gendered “traditional” roles that are assumptive, not factual. Stupid, pseudo-scientific terms like “alpha female” are overused, too, but let’s deal with that later. | Massively over-represented, however, is the perpetuation of mythologies of gendered “traditional” roles that are assumptive, not factual. Stupid, pseudo-scientific terms like “alpha female” are overused, too, but let’s deal with that later. |
| Perhaps because Australian women are now so very aware how “traditional” gender stereotypes belittle and damage strong and capable women at national cost, gender politics are finally coming under deserved scrutiny. In the way that R&B star Chris Brown was once given an awkward pass by many in the media for his brutalisation of Rhianna, the same could not now be said of Charles Saatchi and his treatment of soon-to-be-ex-wife Nigella Lawson. | Perhaps because Australian women are now so very aware how “traditional” gender stereotypes belittle and damage strong and capable women at national cost, gender politics are finally coming under deserved scrutiny. In the way that R&B star Chris Brown was once given an awkward pass by many in the media for his brutalisation of Rhianna, the same could not now be said of Charles Saatchi and his treatment of soon-to-be-ex-wife Nigella Lawson. |
| It therefore gives me hope that Kerr’s comments – like those of Gwyneth Paltrow, who believes she keeps her “marriage alive” by having her husband’s dinner ready on the table when he comes home – at least raise eyebrows, if not the contents of stomachs. | It therefore gives me hope that Kerr’s comments – like those of Gwyneth Paltrow, who believes she keeps her “marriage alive” by having her husband’s dinner ready on the table when he comes home – at least raise eyebrows, if not the contents of stomachs. |
| As a woman with ready eagerness for leadership, I'm probably what Kerr, if not by any credible scientific measure, would describe as an "alpha". The surprising news is that being so has not shrivelled my partner’s ballsac into two walnuts; he's a highly career-successful, independent person who actively sought out a mate who was his intellectual equal. Spooky, huh? | As a woman with ready eagerness for leadership, I'm probably what Kerr, if not by any credible scientific measure, would describe as an "alpha". The surprising news is that being so has not shrivelled my partner’s ballsac into two walnuts; he's a highly career-successful, independent person who actively sought out a mate who was his intellectual equal. Spooky, huh? |
| As we galvanise against blatant sexism in public discourse, it’s a useful exercise to address Kerr’s language of "traditional" marriage roles. Sure, you can find lots of vintage depictions of women as "passive helpmeets", but it’s hardly news that what's depicted by culture isn’t necessarily accurate. Otherwise, one would be forced to believe that no sex took place in the entire 1950s, and that Doris Day died a virgin. One hundred years from now, if one’s trying to work out what the lives of contemporary women were like by looking at popular media, a “traditional” woman would front as a size 6 hairless ingenue with breasts growing out of her neck. | As we galvanise against blatant sexism in public discourse, it’s a useful exercise to address Kerr’s language of "traditional" marriage roles. Sure, you can find lots of vintage depictions of women as "passive helpmeets", but it’s hardly news that what's depicted by culture isn’t necessarily accurate. Otherwise, one would be forced to believe that no sex took place in the entire 1950s, and that Doris Day died a virgin. One hundred years from now, if one’s trying to work out what the lives of contemporary women were like by looking at popular media, a “traditional” woman would front as a size 6 hairless ingenue with breasts growing out of her neck. |
| But the overwhelming majority of us have mothers, grandmothers and even great grandmothers in living memory who, whether in paid “official" employment or working as domestic homemakers, demonstrated a very necessary capacity to do things on their own. This wasn’t because they were "alphas", but because no-one, male or female, survives very long – let alone as a parent – unless they are adaptive, self-reliant and tough. And let me also clarify, this is not about women or men who choose to stay at home, whether it’s to raise children or merely to not engage with the workforce. The individual choices of free individuals should not be invalidated by forced identification with “traditional” roles as lesser partners. | But the overwhelming majority of us have mothers, grandmothers and even great grandmothers in living memory who, whether in paid “official" employment or working as domestic homemakers, demonstrated a very necessary capacity to do things on their own. This wasn’t because they were "alphas", but because no-one, male or female, survives very long – let alone as a parent – unless they are adaptive, self-reliant and tough. And let me also clarify, this is not about women or men who choose to stay at home, whether it’s to raise children or merely to not engage with the workforce. The individual choices of free individuals should not be invalidated by forced identification with “traditional” roles as lesser partners. |
| If Kerr's husband establishes "space to feel like a man" by having his wife pretend to be powerless, he's got a pretty dented sense of his own masculinity. If he needs cultural stereotypes to affirm his "maleness", he could go hunting, kill animals with his bare hands and robe himself in their blood-soaked skins. | If Kerr's husband establishes "space to feel like a man" by having his wife pretend to be powerless, he's got a pretty dented sense of his own masculinity. If he needs cultural stereotypes to affirm his "maleness", he could go hunting, kill animals with his bare hands and robe himself in their blood-soaked skins. |
| Outside of some BDSM play with negotiated boundaries, I just question why anyone would want to be in a partnership with anyone, male or female, who not only throws themselves into the role of passive servant but is willing to engage the self-deception required to justify it as “traditional”. | |
| I'd be thoroughly creeped out by a partner who defined themselves entirely by their relationship to me – not to mention bored out of my brain. You'd be shagging the neighbours just to get good conversation. And good lord, if you have to have dinner on the table to "keep the marriage alive", who the hell have you married, Gwyneth? | |
| Really, we should all feel very sorry for both Kerr and Paltrow. They aren’t doing a disservice to women nearly so much as they are doing it to themselves. Their comments reveal a lot more about the dynamics of their relationships and personalities than it does about the vast majority of women in their communities. I have zero sympathy for their partners, however – and it isn’t just because Paltrow's husband is a member of Coldplay. | Really, we should all feel very sorry for both Kerr and Paltrow. They aren’t doing a disservice to women nearly so much as they are doing it to themselves. Their comments reveal a lot more about the dynamics of their relationships and personalities than it does about the vast majority of women in their communities. I have zero sympathy for their partners, however – and it isn’t just because Paltrow's husband is a member of Coldplay. |
| Any partner who thinks it's okay for their wife to think their marriage is on the line if the casserole isn't ready is a serious jerk. Having written the awful song Yellow just makes you twice as jerkish. |