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When Dad Becomes the Lead Parent When Dad Becomes the Lead Parent
(35 minutes later)
LONDON — My youngest daughter’s first word was “daddy,” not “mommy,” and when she hurt her knee the other day she turned not to me for comfort, but to my husband.LONDON — My youngest daughter’s first word was “daddy,” not “mommy,” and when she hurt her knee the other day she turned not to me for comfort, but to my husband.
She was 10 months old and her sister 3 when I went on a yearlong fellowship to Harvard last summer, leaving them for much of that time in their father’s care.She was 10 months old and her sister 3 when I went on a yearlong fellowship to Harvard last summer, leaving them for much of that time in their father’s care.
I still see the first goodbye from London, the two of them on the window sill, Elena in striped pajamas and Mali in her orange sleeping bag, their faces pressed flat against the window as we all blew air kisses.I still see the first goodbye from London, the two of them on the window sill, Elena in striped pajamas and Mali in her orange sleeping bag, their faces pressed flat against the window as we all blew air kisses.
I did something countless men do — in the military, on oil rigs, as consultants or even correspondents — in following a professional calling and temporarily living apart from the family. But few mothers of young children (at least in the West) have or make this choice, and few working dads are primary caregivers.I did something countless men do — in the military, on oil rigs, as consultants or even correspondents — in following a professional calling and temporarily living apart from the family. But few mothers of young children (at least in the West) have or make this choice, and few working dads are primary caregivers.
I knew it would be hard from one trans-Atlantic visit to the next, missing bedtime stories, birthdays, first steps, our family life displaced onto Skype.I knew it would be hard from one trans-Atlantic visit to the next, missing bedtime stories, birthdays, first steps, our family life displaced onto Skype.
I knew there would be guilt. (“Mommy-mommy-mommy,” I would tell my baby, craving that most basic of validations. “Daddy!” she would beam back.)I knew there would be guilt. (“Mommy-mommy-mommy,” I would tell my baby, craving that most basic of validations. “Daddy!” she would beam back.)
What we scarcely suspected was how profoundly the year would change gender roles in our home. When I moved back to London last month, I had to ask my husband where the spare baby wipes were, and he had to remind me to keep the hallway light on at night for our older daughter. He leaves notes for the nanny these days and does the weekly online shopping in less than eight minutes.What we scarcely suspected was how profoundly the year would change gender roles in our home. When I moved back to London last month, I had to ask my husband where the spare baby wipes were, and he had to remind me to keep the hallway light on at night for our older daughter. He leaves notes for the nanny these days and does the weekly online shopping in less than eight minutes.
Call it a gender reset. He feels empowered, and I feel, well, liberated. By slipping into the opposite gender’s role, we have become more equal.Call it a gender reset. He feels empowered, and I feel, well, liberated. By slipping into the opposite gender’s role, we have become more equal.
Aside from maternity leave, I have always worked. But I used to think that because I gave birth, the bond with my children was something my husband — always a very involved father — could not quite match.Aside from maternity leave, I have always worked. But I used to think that because I gave birth, the bond with my children was something my husband — always a very involved father — could not quite match.
With girlfriends, we traded smug anecdotes about how much more competent we were at soothing babies to sleep, how the guys would inevitably forget the diaper-rash cream or buy the wrong baby cereal. We kept on top of what vaccinations the kids needed, we knew best how to deal with teething, and we were very good at giving instructions about it all.With girlfriends, we traded smug anecdotes about how much more competent we were at soothing babies to sleep, how the guys would inevitably forget the diaper-rash cream or buy the wrong baby cereal. We kept on top of what vaccinations the kids needed, we knew best how to deal with teething, and we were very good at giving instructions about it all.
But for the last 11 months, my husband was in charge. He made breakfast and he left the office in the middle of the afternoon to rush to the emergency room when our toddler needed stitches. When both girls came down with the flu, he stayed up all night and then went into work.But for the last 11 months, my husband was in charge. He made breakfast and he left the office in the middle of the afternoon to rush to the emergency room when our toddler needed stitches. When both girls came down with the flu, he stayed up all night and then went into work.
“He looked gray,” my father-in-law told me later. “I’ve never seen him so tired.”“He looked gray,” my father-in-law told me later. “I’ve never seen him so tired.”
That leaden fatigue in those early months, when you nurse the baby several times a night? My husband gets it. But he also gets the power of being The One — of being the ultimate source of comfort for a child.That leaden fatigue in those early months, when you nurse the baby several times a night? My husband gets it. But he also gets the power of being The One — of being the ultimate source of comfort for a child.
I now know the sting of rejection when a child strains to be soothed by the other parent. I had to learn the art of Skypeing-with-toddlers, building up an assortment of props and sending little videos of myself every day to kick off the conversation. (“Mommy ate strawberries, what did you eat?”)I now know the sting of rejection when a child strains to be soothed by the other parent. I had to learn the art of Skypeing-with-toddlers, building up an assortment of props and sending little videos of myself every day to kick off the conversation. (“Mommy ate strawberries, what did you eat?”)
But I also tasted the freedom of not being responsible on a day-to-day basis, of being the scarce parent, the fun-time parent rather than the one in charge of brushing teeth or disciplining.But I also tasted the freedom of not being responsible on a day-to-day basis, of being the scarce parent, the fun-time parent rather than the one in charge of brushing teeth or disciplining.
This was an entirely unscientific experiment, but here is what we learned: Responsibility and time, not gender, determine the depth of the bond with a child.This was an entirely unscientific experiment, but here is what we learned: Responsibility and time, not gender, determine the depth of the bond with a child.
Even the progressive fathers in my generation of 30-somethings who push strollers through our local park tend to be the deputies at home. As one friend and fellow mother put it, “They are helpful rather than responsible.”Even the progressive fathers in my generation of 30-somethings who push strollers through our local park tend to be the deputies at home. As one friend and fellow mother put it, “They are helpful rather than responsible.”
The buck still mostly stops with Mom. If she forgets the vaccinations, they don’t happen.The buck still mostly stops with Mom. If she forgets the vaccinations, they don’t happen.
Women and men slip into these gender roles easily, however egalitarian we think we are. After pregnancy comes maternity leave, and before we know it we mothers are the resident experts on child care, thus boxing ourselves into a responsibility that is so much lighter if truly shared and also depriving fathers of a deeper relationship with their children than many can imagine.Women and men slip into these gender roles easily, however egalitarian we think we are. After pregnancy comes maternity leave, and before we know it we mothers are the resident experts on child care, thus boxing ourselves into a responsibility that is so much lighter if truly shared and also depriving fathers of a deeper relationship with their children than many can imagine.
Much of this dynamic is determined by parental leave policies, workplace culture and the social expectations that flow from both.Much of this dynamic is determined by parental leave policies, workplace culture and the social expectations that flow from both.
In Sweden, where 8 in 10 fathers take parental leave, it has become “very uncool” for middle-class dads to depend on moms’ help in consoling a crying baby, Petra Persson, a Swedish economist at Stanford University, told me recently. “Being seen as an equal parent is now a badge of pride for men,” she said.In Sweden, where 8 in 10 fathers take parental leave, it has become “very uncool” for middle-class dads to depend on moms’ help in consoling a crying baby, Petra Persson, a Swedish economist at Stanford University, told me recently. “Being seen as an equal parent is now a badge of pride for men,” she said.
The Swedish government is experimenting with more incentives to stop traditional gender roles from taking hold right after birth. Not only are 2 of the generously paid 13 months’ parental leave reserved for each parent, families also get a bonus for sharing the leave more equally. The maximum payment — about €1,540, or $2,000 — goes to those working a 50-50 division.The Swedish government is experimenting with more incentives to stop traditional gender roles from taking hold right after birth. Not only are 2 of the generously paid 13 months’ parental leave reserved for each parent, families also get a bonus for sharing the leave more equally. The maximum payment — about €1,540, or $2,000 — goes to those working a 50-50 division.
A small but growing number of Swedish couples now work part time right from birth, building child-care expertise jointly as they go along.A small but growing number of Swedish couples now work part time right from birth, building child-care expertise jointly as they go along.
Sweden wants a gender reset for a whole country, yet the view that mothers are more important for children than fathers dies hard.Sweden wants a gender reset for a whole country, yet the view that mothers are more important for children than fathers dies hard.
The reaction my husband most commonly got this year was, “You deserve a medal.” (For the record, I believe he does.) Colleagues told him “to cash in his chips” as soon as the 10 months were up. The reaction my husband most commonly got this year was, “You deserve a medal.” (For the record, I believe he does.) Colleagues told him “to cash in his chips” as soon as I returned.
Meanwhile, I got variations of “How can you leave your children behind?” even during the two months they were with me in the United States. At times the judgment was blunt. “Children need their mother,” I was once told at my doctor’s office.Meanwhile, I got variations of “How can you leave your children behind?” even during the two months they were with me in the United States. At times the judgment was blunt. “Children need their mother,” I was once told at my doctor’s office.
But as the past year showed, fathers can be mothers, too.But as the past year showed, fathers can be mothers, too.

This article has been revised to reflect the following correction:

Correction: July 9, 2013

A photo caption with an earlier version of this article gave the wrong age for one of Ms. Bennhold’s children. Elena is four years old, not four months old.