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It is hard to raise a teenage boy – and even harder to be one It is hard to raise a teenage boy – and even harder to be one
(2 months later)
As a parent, negotiating the road through your children’s adolescence can be harrowing, and often in ways you least expect. Despite all my fears about drugs and alcohol, drink-driving and traffic accidents, the thing my son is statistically most likely to die from is suicide. It’s a baffling fact, and one that surely needs more consideration.As a parent, negotiating the road through your children’s adolescence can be harrowing, and often in ways you least expect. Despite all my fears about drugs and alcohol, drink-driving and traffic accidents, the thing my son is statistically most likely to die from is suicide. It’s a baffling fact, and one that surely needs more consideration.
Beyond Blue recently launched a multi-million-dollar campaign to combat the high rate of male suicide in Australia, and it got me pondering the real risks involved in parenting teenage sons. I have two. The oldest is soon to turn 16. By 15 he was 1.86m tall, and still growing. For some years now he has dwarfed his friends, towering above them like a giant gumtree.Beyond Blue recently launched a multi-million-dollar campaign to combat the high rate of male suicide in Australia, and it got me pondering the real risks involved in parenting teenage sons. I have two. The oldest is soon to turn 16. By 15 he was 1.86m tall, and still growing. For some years now he has dwarfed his friends, towering above them like a giant gumtree.
As a baby, he was always large. I once had a man approach me on the street and ask "what’s his name? Battle-axe?" This to a toddler with the biggest toothy grin imaginable. A champion cuddler. A gentle giant. Gentleness has always been my son’s defining trait. Generous, kind and big-hearted, his final year six report ended with: “he is considerate, forgiving and caring, acknowledging other people’s feelings and offering comfort where needed.” I admit, on reading those words I cried.As a baby, he was always large. I once had a man approach me on the street and ask "what’s his name? Battle-axe?" This to a toddler with the biggest toothy grin imaginable. A champion cuddler. A gentle giant. Gentleness has always been my son’s defining trait. Generous, kind and big-hearted, his final year six report ended with: “he is considerate, forgiving and caring, acknowledging other people’s feelings and offering comfort where needed.” I admit, on reading those words I cried.
I have long considered myself a feminist mother. I aimed to bring up my sons to be open-minded and self-aware, to actively champion equal rights and to be conscious of their social responsibilities. We talked about sexism, racism and prejudice and the subtle ways they sometimes worked. I wanted an understanding of these issues to be part of my children’s worldview.I have long considered myself a feminist mother. I aimed to bring up my sons to be open-minded and self-aware, to actively champion equal rights and to be conscious of their social responsibilities. We talked about sexism, racism and prejudice and the subtle ways they sometimes worked. I wanted an understanding of these issues to be part of my children’s worldview.
When he was 10, my oldest son developed an interest in hip-hop, a genre I knew little about, and we asked a friend to find him some music. I walked out of the room for a minute and when I came back my friend was staring at him in surprise.When he was 10, my oldest son developed an interest in hip-hop, a genre I knew little about, and we asked a friend to find him some music. I walked out of the room for a minute and when I came back my friend was staring at him in surprise.
"What’s up?" I asked."What’s up?" I asked.
"Oh," my friend answered, "It’s just … he asked for songs that don’t have violence against women." I almost punched the sky. But she was nonplussed – "Ah … I don’t know if I even have any like that.""Oh," my friend answered, "It’s just … he asked for songs that don’t have violence against women." I almost punched the sky. But she was nonplussed – "Ah … I don’t know if I even have any like that."
And slowly the floodgates opened. The world encroached on my son, filling his ears with what it means to be a man. Fast forward five years, and it’s a whole new ballgame. Since he entered high school, I’ve watched him morph. Jeans slung low, he swaggers about like a gangster from the rapper films he so admires. I try to get him talking about the lure of Underbelly and all its subsequent spin offs, but though his eyes sparkle, he doesn’t say much. The glamour of this underworld culture fires his imagination like nothing else, and I am unable to keep any of it at bay.And slowly the floodgates opened. The world encroached on my son, filling his ears with what it means to be a man. Fast forward five years, and it’s a whole new ballgame. Since he entered high school, I’ve watched him morph. Jeans slung low, he swaggers about like a gangster from the rapper films he so admires. I try to get him talking about the lure of Underbelly and all its subsequent spin offs, but though his eyes sparkle, he doesn’t say much. The glamour of this underworld culture fires his imagination like nothing else, and I am unable to keep any of it at bay.
As the mother of an adolescent boy, how can I compete with a society that actively glorifies this kind of manhood? Where images objectifying women are so ubiquitous they are considered normal? Where mainstream pornography is getting more and more brutal? And, if this state of play isn’t depressing enough, add the new WHO report characterising men’s violence against women as a "global health problem of epidemic proportions", and the sad reality that women standing up against sexism often brings out a barrage of hate.As the mother of an adolescent boy, how can I compete with a society that actively glorifies this kind of manhood? Where images objectifying women are so ubiquitous they are considered normal? Where mainstream pornography is getting more and more brutal? And, if this state of play isn’t depressing enough, add the new WHO report characterising men’s violence against women as a "global health problem of epidemic proportions", and the sad reality that women standing up against sexism often brings out a barrage of hate.
I wonder how my son manages all these messages. How does he balance what he’s learned at home with what the world is teaching him?I wonder how my son manages all these messages. How does he balance what he’s learned at home with what the world is teaching him?
His largeness has other unforeseen consequences. His female friends' mothers let them go out at night if he is with them, as though his big body will be enough to protect them all from harm. The world is unsafe for teenage girls, so these mothers think, but my son neutralises danger by his mere presence. Partly, I am proud – they see him as trustworthy and strong. But I also wonder if this is a heavy load for him to carry.His largeness has other unforeseen consequences. His female friends' mothers let them go out at night if he is with them, as though his big body will be enough to protect them all from harm. The world is unsafe for teenage girls, so these mothers think, but my son neutralises danger by his mere presence. Partly, I am proud – they see him as trustworthy and strong. But I also wonder if this is a heavy load for him to carry.
Assault is by far the most common form of violent crime. Males are more likely than females to be violently assaulted across all age groups. Statistically speaking, this could be termed "men’s violence against men", and those most at risk are young men aged 15–24 years. To add to this, young men are more likely to engage in risky behaviour. They are more likely than girls to be current smokers, drink to levels considered dangerous, use illicit drugs, be involved in dangerous driving, commit violent crime, and be incarcerated.Assault is by far the most common form of violent crime. Males are more likely than females to be violently assaulted across all age groups. Statistically speaking, this could be termed "men’s violence against men", and those most at risk are young men aged 15–24 years. To add to this, young men are more likely to engage in risky behaviour. They are more likely than girls to be current smokers, drink to levels considered dangerous, use illicit drugs, be involved in dangerous driving, commit violent crime, and be incarcerated.
And, as the Beyond Blue campaign highlights, they are more likely to suicide. How can it be that we live in one of the world’s most prosperous countries but our children are taking their own lives? What is causing such despair? No doubt the answers are complex and multifaceted. But is it at least possible that the status quo is not working for young men either?And, as the Beyond Blue campaign highlights, they are more likely to suicide. How can it be that we live in one of the world’s most prosperous countries but our children are taking their own lives? What is causing such despair? No doubt the answers are complex and multifaceted. But is it at least possible that the status quo is not working for young men either?
To be the mother of a teenage boy is to be always a little afraid. "I’m nearly 16" he tells me. "Soon I’ll be 18". I look up at his beautiful familiar face. "Sometime soon you are just going to have to let go." To be the mother of a teenage boy is to be always a little afraid. "I’m nearly 16" he tells me. "Soon I’ll be 18". I look up at his beautiful familiar face. "Sometime soon you are just going to have to let go." 
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