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At home with George and Danny At home with George and Danny
(3 months later)
Danny Alexander scratched his head and raised his hand. "Excuse me, Mr Osborne, but when you have a spare moment, can you help me again?" The chancellor sighed and put down his PlayStation 3 controller. "What is it this time, Danny?" he asked, though not unkindly.Danny Alexander scratched his head and raised his hand. "Excuse me, Mr Osborne, but when you have a spare moment, can you help me again?" The chancellor sighed and put down his PlayStation 3 controller. "What is it this time, Danny?" he asked, though not unkindly.
"It's my statement on all the new infrastructure spending we're planning. You promised I could make the announcement to cheer people up the day after you published the latest cuts, the ones we Liberal Democrats accepted only with the greatest reluctance. I'm having trouble finding anything to announce that really is new.""It's my statement on all the new infrastructure spending we're planning. You promised I could make the announcement to cheer people up the day after you published the latest cuts, the ones we Liberal Democrats accepted only with the greatest reluctance. I'm having trouble finding anything to announce that really is new."
"That's hardly surprising, is it, Danny? There isn't much that's new. Your job is to round up some schemes that are always lying around waiting for the go-ahead and reannounce them. Do your best to sound confident and backbenchers will lap it up. So will their local newspapers. I've never failed when I've announced the Mersey Gateway bridge and, in all fairness, it was usually a hit for Gordon, too.""That's hardly surprising, is it, Danny? There isn't much that's new. Your job is to round up some schemes that are always lying around waiting for the go-ahead and reannounce them. Do your best to sound confident and backbenchers will lap it up. So will their local newspapers. I've never failed when I've announced the Mersey Gateway bridge and, in all fairness, it was usually a hit for Gordon, too."
"The Mersey Gateway bridge is in my draft already, sir. And the improvements to the A14 north of Cambridge. I've dug out the A19 contract between Newcastle and South Shields which we sat on as long as David Miliband was the local MP. Then there's the A27 Chichester bypass. We can reannounce that to shut up Andrew Tyrie, unless you think his constituents won't fall for it. We don't want them voting Ukip.""The Mersey Gateway bridge is in my draft already, sir. And the improvements to the A14 north of Cambridge. I've dug out the A19 contract between Newcastle and South Shields which we sat on as long as David Miliband was the local MP. Then there's the A27 Chichester bypass. We can reannounce that to shut up Andrew Tyrie, unless you think his constituents won't fall for it. We don't want them voting Ukip."
"What about the bottlenecks on the A303, Danny? That's a popular choice with frustrated holiday motorists in the summer months. Obviously we can't actually afford to fix the A303 – that problem around Stonehenge is worse than the third runway at Heathrow, completely intractable. But if you promise a 'feasibility study', it works almost as well and doesn't cost much.""What about the bottlenecks on the A303, Danny? That's a popular choice with frustrated holiday motorists in the summer months. Obviously we can't actually afford to fix the A303 – that problem around Stonehenge is worse than the third runway at Heathrow, completely intractable. But if you promise a 'feasibility study', it works almost as well and doesn't cost much."
Danny visibly brightened as he cleared away the remains of the previous evening's working supper: Byron burgers again. The boss was putting on weight, but he always left the second one for Danny if he couldn't finish it. What a team player! As for the cynics in the road and rail lobbies, those brutes in the business world who dismissed his plans as "hot air", Danny clenched his fist. He'd show them.Danny visibly brightened as he cleared away the remains of the previous evening's working supper: Byron burgers again. The boss was putting on weight, but he always left the second one for Danny if he couldn't finish it. What a team player! As for the cynics in the road and rail lobbies, those brutes in the business world who dismissed his plans as "hot air", Danny clenched his fist. He'd show them.
"I think you'll like the bit I've written about us having 'the largest programme of rail investment since Roman times'," he ventured as the chancellor went back to Guns of the Patriots on his PlayStation. Osborne paused. "They didn't have trains in Roman times, Danny. You'd best say 'since Victorian times' and keep the Romans for the A303.""I think you'll like the bit I've written about us having 'the largest programme of rail investment since Roman times'," he ventured as the chancellor went back to Guns of the Patriots on his PlayStation. Osborne paused. "They didn't have trains in Roman times, Danny. You'd best say 'since Victorian times' and keep the Romans for the A303."
"Do I have to mention shale gas exploration, boss? You promised not to force me if I agreed not to mention windfarms either. I know your lot hate windfarms, but mine hate shale gas, and Ed Davey can be such a bully when you're not there to protect me. If I must mention both, can it be only a bit?""Do I have to mention shale gas exploration, boss? You promised not to force me if I agreed not to mention windfarms either. I know your lot hate windfarms, but mine hate shale gas, and Ed Davey can be such a bully when you're not there to protect me. If I must mention both, can it be only a bit?"
'All right, Danny. But in return I want you to put that tribute to me much higher up. And you must dip your hand in blood over those nuclear power station subsidies. Dress it up however you like, but you must say something about nuclear."'All right, Danny. But in return I want you to put that tribute to me much higher up. And you must dip your hand in blood over those nuclear power station subsidies. Dress it up however you like, but you must say something about nuclear."
"I've already invented one new bit of jargon – 'lane miles'. It means that whenever we widen a motorway, we can claim to be adding 'lane miles' – 221 of them. I'm using 'shovel-ready' and that word Michael Heseltine gave me, 'connectivity'. Not just for super-fast broadband, but for transport links and flood prevention works. As for your idea for an 'innovation catapult', it sounds so dynamic.""I've already invented one new bit of jargon – 'lane miles'. It means that whenever we widen a motorway, we can claim to be adding 'lane miles' – 221 of them. I'm using 'shovel-ready' and that word Michael Heseltine gave me, 'connectivity'. Not just for super-fast broadband, but for transport links and flood prevention works. As for your idea for an 'innovation catapult', it sounds so dynamic."
"Not at all, Danny. I found it on my PlayStation – it's a constant source of inspiration. But look at the time. You'd better get typing. You've got to make my tea in half an hour.""Not at all, Danny. I found it on my PlayStation – it's a constant source of inspiration. But look at the time. You'd better get typing. You've got to make my tea in half an hour."
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