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Lords call upon Humpty Dumpty in search for gay marriage mot juste Lords call upon Humpty Dumpty in search for gay marriage mot juste
(4 months later)
The Lords rarely let you down. They may be composed of ex-politicians and TV presenters these days, but there are still a few who would fit straight into a PG Wodehouse novel. On Monday they returned to the topic of gay marriage. The principle of the bill having passed by whopping majorities in both houses, the peers were reduced to nit-picking – but only the finest, hand-crafted, artisan nit-picking, using mother of pearl and gold nit-combs.The Lords rarely let you down. They may be composed of ex-politicians and TV presenters these days, but there are still a few who would fit straight into a PG Wodehouse novel. On Monday they returned to the topic of gay marriage. The principle of the bill having passed by whopping majorities in both houses, the peers were reduced to nit-picking – but only the finest, hand-crafted, artisan nit-picking, using mother of pearl and gold nit-combs.
The topic was what gay marriage should be called. Lord Hylton didn't like "marriage", which he thought referred only to a man and a woman. "The proposed change recalls Alice In Wonderland, or Orwell's Newspeak!" he said. He wanted the word "union" instead. Lord Cormack agreed, but said there should be something, somewhere between "civil partnership" and "marriage" which didn't use the term "marriage" but made it clear that the arrangement was more than just a partnership. He didn't know what word to choose, but I thought "best mate-ship" might work. Registrar: "I now pronounce you man and best mate, my best-mate-you-are and man." It's no sillier than some of the other suggestions.The topic was what gay marriage should be called. Lord Hylton didn't like "marriage", which he thought referred only to a man and a woman. "The proposed change recalls Alice In Wonderland, or Orwell's Newspeak!" he said. He wanted the word "union" instead. Lord Cormack agreed, but said there should be something, somewhere between "civil partnership" and "marriage" which didn't use the term "marriage" but made it clear that the arrangement was more than just a partnership. He didn't know what word to choose, but I thought "best mate-ship" might work. Registrar: "I now pronounce you man and best mate, my best-mate-you-are and man." It's no sillier than some of the other suggestions.
Lord Phillips came up with the word "espousal". It was an "anachronistic" word but we needed it.Lord Phillips came up with the word "espousal". It was an "anachronistic" word but we needed it.
Still the words kept coming. The Marquis of Lothian, once known as the laidback, guitar-strumming MP Michael Ancram, suggested "matrimony" but then added that this was derived from the Latin for mother, "mater", which would not work for most gay partnerships, where "shall I be mother?" generally refers to who is going to pour the tea.Still the words kept coming. The Marquis of Lothian, once known as the laidback, guitar-strumming MP Michael Ancram, suggested "matrimony" but then added that this was derived from the Latin for mother, "mater", which would not work for most gay partnerships, where "shall I be mother?" generally refers to who is going to pour the tea.
Lord Armstrong didn't just glancingly refer to Humpty Dumpty, who was a prime source for this dispute, since he famously said: "When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less … the question is, which is to be master?"Lord Armstrong didn't just glancingly refer to Humpty Dumpty, who was a prime source for this dispute, since he famously said: "When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean, neither more nor less … the question is, which is to be master?"
Lord Armstrong is certainly a master of the life and works of Humpty Dumpty, who "sitting on a wall, had a nasty accident – even though the military were called in aid of the civil power …"Lord Armstrong is certainly a master of the life and works of Humpty Dumpty, who "sitting on a wall, had a nasty accident – even though the military were called in aid of the civil power …"
Lord Ilminster was worried that the very existence of gay marriage would deter heterosexuals from getting married. "This mish-mash may make them unwilling to go ahead!" he said, so adding another new euphemism: "same sex mish-mash".Lord Ilminster was worried that the very existence of gay marriage would deter heterosexuals from getting married. "This mish-mash may make them unwilling to go ahead!" he said, so adding another new euphemism: "same sex mish-mash".
The debate was getting more bizarre. Most of the nits having been combed out, the peers resorted to discussing the difference between "sameness and equality". Lord Elton pointed out, for non-scientists, that if you mixed two parts of hydrogen to one part of oxygen you didn't get more hydrogen or oxygen – you got water! And that was different. Quite what he meant eluded me, but the peers were too polite to look puzzled.The debate was getting more bizarre. Most of the nits having been combed out, the peers resorted to discussing the difference between "sameness and equality". Lord Elton pointed out, for non-scientists, that if you mixed two parts of hydrogen to one part of oxygen you didn't get more hydrogen or oxygen – you got water! And that was different. Quite what he meant eluded me, but the peers were too polite to look puzzled.
Lady Shackleton said she was a solicitor, and was doing plentiful business dissolving civil partnerships. She didn't actually say, "and if we have gay marriage too, we lawyers will be rolling in it!" though that's what I took her to mean. She too quoted Humpty Dumpty. If only he could sit on the Woolsack – so much safer than a wall, and less far to fall.Lady Shackleton said she was a solicitor, and was doing plentiful business dissolving civil partnerships. She didn't actually say, "and if we have gay marriage too, we lawyers will be rolling in it!" though that's what I took her to mean. She too quoted Humpty Dumpty. If only he could sit on the Woolsack – so much safer than a wall, and less far to fall.
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