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| For me, watercress soup just seems a bit … pointless. Let's talk chocolate | For me, watercress soup just seems a bit … pointless. Let's talk chocolate |
| (4 months later) | |
| This week I have been thinking an awful lot about new chocolate bars. And before you ask, yes, I do occasionally have too much time on my hands. You rarely read about chocolate bars in the Guardian. Last week, for example, you could read plenty about Yotam Ottolenghi's liver-stuffed vine leaves, but very little about, say, Chunky Kit Kats. Equally, I could find nothing about Crunchies or Curly Wurlies, but if you wanted to know the best way to make watercress soup then you were in luck. For the record, I think the best way to make watercress soup is not at all. | This week I have been thinking an awful lot about new chocolate bars. And before you ask, yes, I do occasionally have too much time on my hands. You rarely read about chocolate bars in the Guardian. Last week, for example, you could read plenty about Yotam Ottolenghi's liver-stuffed vine leaves, but very little about, say, Chunky Kit Kats. Equally, I could find nothing about Crunchies or Curly Wurlies, but if you wanted to know the best way to make watercress soup then you were in luck. For the record, I think the best way to make watercress soup is not at all. |
| I'm going to be honest. I like chocolate more than I like liver-stuffed vine leaves. And I like it more than I like grilled baby octopus with lentils and oregano. Sometimes I even think I would rather have a Double Decker than some watercress soup. I probably shouldn't be reading the Guardian at all, but I just can't resist Blind Date in the Weekend magazine. | I'm going to be honest. I like chocolate more than I like liver-stuffed vine leaves. And I like it more than I like grilled baby octopus with lentils and oregano. Sometimes I even think I would rather have a Double Decker than some watercress soup. I probably shouldn't be reading the Guardian at all, but I just can't resist Blind Date in the Weekend magazine. |
| So, if you don't like chocolate, then by all meansstop reading now; there will be little to detain you here. But if you do, stick around. Pull up a chair, dunk a Kit Kat. I promise you'll want to go back to the newsagents by the time you're done. | So, if you don't like chocolate, then by all meansstop reading now; there will be little to detain you here. But if you do, stick around. Pull up a chair, dunk a Kit Kat. I promise you'll want to go back to the newsagents by the time you're done. |
| Chocolate bars are one of those hidden parts of our culture. Ubiquitous, much consumed, but seldom seriously discussed or culturally examined. But as soon as you talk about Snickers or Aeros or even mini-Toblerones, people get very excited. They just need a forum in which to express that excitement. In much the same way that it took The Great British Bake Off to remind us that we all really, really like cake. | Chocolate bars are one of those hidden parts of our culture. Ubiquitous, much consumed, but seldom seriously discussed or culturally examined. But as soon as you talk about Snickers or Aeros or even mini-Toblerones, people get very excited. They just need a forum in which to express that excitement. In much the same way that it took The Great British Bake Off to remind us that we all really, really like cake. |
| So last year, in that spirit, I organised a World Cup of Chocolate on Twitter. The idea was to pit 32 British chocolate bars and chocolate sweets against each other, and let people vote until we found Britain's favourite. | So last year, in that spirit, I organised a World Cup of Chocolate on Twitter. The idea was to pit 32 British chocolate bars and chocolate sweets against each other, and let people vote until we found Britain's favourite. |
| The 32 snacks were drawn into eight groups of four, with the winner in each group going through to the quarter-finals. I even seeded the groups to ensure maximum variety. This cleverly combined my love of chocolate with the too much time that I have on my hands. | The 32 snacks were drawn into eight groups of four, with the winner in each group going through to the quarter-finals. I even seeded the groups to ensure maximum variety. This cleverly combined my love of chocolate with the too much time that I have on my hands. |
| I present the results to you now. But after you've looked at the results, I am going to drop a bombshell. And, incidentally, "Bombshell" would be a good name for a new chocolate bar, if anyone from Nestlé is reading this. | I present the results to you now. But after you've looked at the results, I am going to drop a bombshell. And, incidentally, "Bombshell" would be a good name for a new chocolate bar, if anyone from Nestlé is reading this. |
| Feel free to play along at home. By which I mean, tell your mum that the Guardian says you have to eat chocolate this morning. | Feel free to play along at home. By which I mean, tell your mum that the Guardian says you have to eat chocolate this morning. |
| Group A: Twix, Fruit & Nut, Wispa, Revels. After 24 hours of Twitter voting, the group winner was Twix. I strongly disagreed, but that's democracy for you. I suppose it's the best system we have. Poor old Wispa, though. | Group A: Twix, Fruit & Nut, Wispa, Revels. After 24 hours of Twitter voting, the group winner was Twix. I strongly disagreed, but that's democracy for you. I suppose it's the best system we have. Poor old Wispa, though. |
| Group B: Twirl, Dairy Milk, Picnic, Rolos. I strongly recommend Deborah Cadbury's brilliant book about the history of the British confectionary industry, Chocolate Wars. It has a particularly good section on the birth of Dairy Milk, but this classic trouper took second place in the voting to a more modern Cadbury's favourite, the Twirl. | Group B: Twirl, Dairy Milk, Picnic, Rolos. I strongly recommend Deborah Cadbury's brilliant book about the history of the British confectionary industry, Chocolate Wars. It has a particularly good section on the birth of Dairy Milk, but this classic trouper took second place in the voting to a more modern Cadbury's favourite, the Twirl. |
| Group C: Flake, Kit Kat, Caramac, Munchies. A lot of controversy in this group as people questioned whether Caramac was a chocolate bar at all. I suspect it might have failed the drug test, but in the event it was soundly beaten by the Kit Kat. | Group C: Flake, Kit Kat, Caramac, Munchies. A lot of controversy in this group as people questioned whether Caramac was a chocolate bar at all. I suspect it might have failed the drug test, but in the event it was soundly beaten by the Kit Kat. |
| Group D: Ripple, Caramel, Boost, Minstrels. Pretty lame group this one, and an easy win for Minstrels. Saving their strength for the later rounds. | Group D: Ripple, Caramel, Boost, Minstrels. Pretty lame group this one, and an easy win for Minstrels. Saving their strength for the later rounds. |
| Group E: Double Decker, Snickers, Mint Aero, Smarties. This where the bookies lost their shirts as rank outsider Double Decker won the vote. | Group E: Double Decker, Snickers, Mint Aero, Smarties. This where the bookies lost their shirts as rank outsider Double Decker won the vote. |
| Group F: Curly Wurly, Bounty, Mars, Creme Egg. Easy win for the Creme Egg. Proof of a long-held theory of mine that people think that Mars bars are incredibly popular, but no one really likes them. By the way, if you think about all the chocolate bars you can buy in the UK, a Bounty is really weird, isn't it? | Group F: Curly Wurly, Bounty, Mars, Creme Egg. Easy win for the Creme Egg. Proof of a long-held theory of mine that people think that Mars bars are incredibly popular, but no one really likes them. By the way, if you think about all the chocolate bars you can buy in the UK, a Bounty is really weird, isn't it? |
| Group G: Crunchie, Galaxy, Star Bar, Buttons. Never, ever underestimate a Crunchie. | Group G: Crunchie, Galaxy, Star Bar, Buttons. Never, ever underestimate a Crunchie. |
| Group H: Toffee Crisp, Yorkie, Lion Bar, Maltesers. I had a Lion Bar the other day and discovered it was actually 80% tiger. I was furious. But I digress; our winner by a country mile was Maltesers. | Group H: Toffee Crisp, Yorkie, Lion Bar, Maltesers. I had a Lion Bar the other day and discovered it was actually 80% tiger. I was furious. But I digress; our winner by a country mile was Maltesers. |
| This left us with four quarter-finals. Again we voted for 24 hours on each one. | This left us with four quarter-finals. Again we voted for 24 hours on each one. |
| Double Decker v Kit Kat: if you think nothing in the world of chocolate could shock you, then prepare to eat your chocolate hat, as the Kit Kat, Britain's best-selling chocolate bar, loses to the journeyman Double Decker. | Double Decker v Kit Kat: if you think nothing in the world of chocolate could shock you, then prepare to eat your chocolate hat, as the Kit Kat, Britain's best-selling chocolate bar, loses to the journeyman Double Decker. |
| Creme Egg v Twirl: the Creme Egg, clearly exhausted from defeating Mars in the groups, loses easily to the Twirl. | Creme Egg v Twirl: the Creme Egg, clearly exhausted from defeating Mars in the groups, loses easily to the Twirl. |
| Maltesers v Minstrels: the Battle of the Bags ends in victory for Maltesers. | Maltesers v Minstrels: the Battle of the Bags ends in victory for Maltesers. |
| Crunchie v Twix: finally Britain sees sense and Twix is defeated by Crunchie. On a separate note, for a number of reasons I'm not at all happy about the new "Left Twix, Right Twix" advert, but this might have to wait for another day. | Crunchie v Twix: finally Britain sees sense and Twix is defeated by Crunchie. On a separate note, for a number of reasons I'm not at all happy about the new "Left Twix, Right Twix" advert, but this might have to wait for another day. |
| On to the semifinals, both played, as is now traditional, at Wembley stadium. | On to the semifinals, both played, as is now traditional, at Wembley stadium. |
| Twirl v Crunchie: a big win for Twirl. | Twirl v Crunchie: a big win for Twirl. |
| Maltesers v Double Decker: an equally big win for Maltesers. | Maltesers v Double Decker: an equally big win for Maltesers. |
| The World Cup final then, was between Twirl and Maltesers. The closely fought vote went to extra-time and penalties (or as a couple of people suggested, "extra-Dime and Peanuties"), but the eventual winner of the World Cup of Chocolate was the Twirl. | The World Cup final then, was between Twirl and Maltesers. The closely fought vote went to extra-time and penalties (or as a couple of people suggested, "extra-Dime and Peanuties"), but the eventual winner of the World Cup of Chocolate was the Twirl. |
| Now, I think this was a fair result. I like a Twirl – it's like two Flakes wearing coats. But perhaps you think it's a disgrace? Perhaps you are gutted about the Crunchie? Or perhaps you are furious that the Drifter didn't even qualify for the last 32 (it got knocked out by Costa Rica in the qualifying tournament). | Now, I think this was a fair result. I like a Twirl – it's like two Flakes wearing coats. But perhaps you think it's a disgrace? Perhaps you are gutted about the Crunchie? Or perhaps you are furious that the Drifter didn't even qualify for the last 32 (it got knocked out by Costa Rica in the qualifying tournament). |
| But forget all that for a moment, because we have a bigger problem. Within months of the tournament finishing, the results were made to look ridiculous by the release of some of the greatest new chocolate bars of all time. This is what I've been spending an awful lot of time thinking about this week. | But forget all that for a moment, because we have a bigger problem. Within months of the tournament finishing, the results were made to look ridiculous by the release of some of the greatest new chocolate bars of all time. This is what I've been spending an awful lot of time thinking about this week. |
| I've been thinking specifically about the incredible new Maltesers bar, which is essentially the chocolate bar version of the mini-Maltesers you get in Celebrations. I've been thinking about the amazing new Hazelnut Kit Kit, and the new Cadburys Marvellous Creations bar with jelly pieces and popping candy. Popping candy! What a world we live in! The last time three such awesome bars were released within months of each other was more than 75 years ago, in 1937, when Kit Kat, Smarties and Maltesers hit the shelves. That was followed two years later by a world war, but let's not read too much into that. If you haven't tried these new delights, then you owe it to yourself, and certainly to your poor children, to do so right away. | I've been thinking specifically about the incredible new Maltesers bar, which is essentially the chocolate bar version of the mini-Maltesers you get in Celebrations. I've been thinking about the amazing new Hazelnut Kit Kit, and the new Cadburys Marvellous Creations bar with jelly pieces and popping candy. Popping candy! What a world we live in! The last time three such awesome bars were released within months of each other was more than 75 years ago, in 1937, when Kit Kat, Smarties and Maltesers hit the shelves. That was followed two years later by a world war, but let's not read too much into that. If you haven't tried these new delights, then you owe it to yourself, and certainly to your poor children, to do so right away. |
| But the emergence of this holy cocoa-solid trinity does rather suggest that last year's World Cup of Chocolate might have been devalued. The Twirl must feel a bit like a gold medallist at the 1980 Moscow Olympics. I mean, well done on that gold medal and everything, but … | But the emergence of this holy cocoa-solid trinity does rather suggest that last year's World Cup of Chocolate might have been devalued. The Twirl must feel a bit like a gold medallist at the 1980 Moscow Olympics. I mean, well done on that gold medal and everything, but … |
| So I suspect we may have to have another World Cup of Chocolate soon, and I suspect it will be even more hotly contested than before. That's because it turns out we are living in a new golden age of the chocolate bar. But it's also because, although we don't admit it, we all love talking about chocolate and crisps and cake and biscuits much more than we like talking about real food. | So I suspect we may have to have another World Cup of Chocolate soon, and I suspect it will be even more hotly contested than before. That's because it turns out we are living in a new golden age of the chocolate bar. But it's also because, although we don't admit it, we all love talking about chocolate and crisps and cake and biscuits much more than we like talking about real food. |
| And if you don't believe me, try organising a World Cup of Watercress Soup and see where it gets you. | And if you don't believe me, try organising a World Cup of Watercress Soup and see where it gets you. |
| Ian Jack is away. | Ian Jack is away. |
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