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With all these celebrity tsars, we need an October revolution With all these celebrity tsars, we need an October revolution
(4 months later)
Much as I've enjoyed living through the period of celebrity tsars, might I put out an urgent call for some celebrity bolsheviks? The revolutionary moment is suggested by this week's coronation of Dragons' Den star James Caan as social mobility tsar. If I had to put my finger on what should have immediately disqualified the private equity tycoon from consideration, it's not the fact he was being accused of nepotism within approximately 27 minutes of his appointment being announced – becoming instantly mired in wholly avoidable controversy is something celebrity tsars seem to do. Perhaps all they do.Much as I've enjoyed living through the period of celebrity tsars, might I put out an urgent call for some celebrity bolsheviks? The revolutionary moment is suggested by this week's coronation of Dragons' Den star James Caan as social mobility tsar. If I had to put my finger on what should have immediately disqualified the private equity tycoon from consideration, it's not the fact he was being accused of nepotism within approximately 27 minutes of his appointment being announced – becoming instantly mired in wholly avoidable controversy is something celebrity tsars seem to do. Perhaps all they do.
And it's not even the fact that Caan's most notable previous controversy came during a 2010 trip to flood-devastated Pakistan, filmed by ITV News, in which he offered a destitute local family cash for their baby daughter, Sara. "I'm being 100% serious," he told the child's confused parents. "My brother lives here and he desperately wants a baby. We can give this baby the best life she can possibly have." (That's his commitment to social mobility right there.)And it's not even the fact that Caan's most notable previous controversy came during a 2010 trip to flood-devastated Pakistan, filmed by ITV News, in which he offered a destitute local family cash for their baby daughter, Sara. "I'm being 100% serious," he told the child's confused parents. "My brother lives here and he desperately wants a baby. We can give this baby the best life she can possibly have." (That's his commitment to social mobility right there.)
Caan offered a competitive £745 for Sara – he later glossed this as "an emotional response". The family declined the offer, but were reported to have passed a fearful 24 hours believing there would be some sort of attempt to relieve them of the child. Whether Sara would currently be running James's Lahore interests had his proposed deal gone ahead, we will never know.Caan offered a competitive £745 for Sara – he later glossed this as "an emotional response". The family declined the offer, but were reported to have passed a fearful 24 hours believing there would be some sort of attempt to relieve them of the child. Whether Sara would currently be running James's Lahore interests had his proposed deal gone ahead, we will never know.
But for me, the detail about the Caan appointment that most urgently demands an October revolution is the idea that any government could give any position in public life to an alleged grown-up who changed his name to that of the actor James Caan because he loved his turn as Sonny in The Godfather. For that reason, I'm out.But for me, the detail about the Caan appointment that most urgently demands an October revolution is the idea that any government could give any position in public life to an alleged grown-up who changed his name to that of the actor James Caan because he loved his turn as Sonny in The Godfather. For that reason, I'm out.
James, alas, is not out – he remains a key scion of the celebrity tsar dynasty, whose numbers have swollen steadily since its effective invention by Tony Blair's government. There's enterprise tsar, his lordship Alan Sugar. There's high street tsar Mary Portas, and efficiency tsar Philip Green (closely related to the Monaco branch of the family). Then we've had maths tsar Carol Vorderman, child safety tsar Tanya Byron, hospital food tsar Loyd Grossman … I'm not sure whether all these tsars are still extant, or whether their sacred remains are entombed in some ornately gilded Crypt of Crap Ideas. But there's even been the odd shadow tsar – telly's Kirstie Allsopp was appointed to advise the Tories on housing when David Cameron was in opposition.James, alas, is not out – he remains a key scion of the celebrity tsar dynasty, whose numbers have swollen steadily since its effective invention by Tony Blair's government. There's enterprise tsar, his lordship Alan Sugar. There's high street tsar Mary Portas, and efficiency tsar Philip Green (closely related to the Monaco branch of the family). Then we've had maths tsar Carol Vorderman, child safety tsar Tanya Byron, hospital food tsar Loyd Grossman … I'm not sure whether all these tsars are still extant, or whether their sacred remains are entombed in some ornately gilded Crypt of Crap Ideas. But there's even been the odd shadow tsar – telly's Kirstie Allsopp was appointed to advise the Tories on housing when David Cameron was in opposition.
Indeed, so established is the underachieving dynasty that no one seems to recall why the tsar honorific was even settled upon – it was presumably decided by the same body that decrees the PC brigade must be a brigade and not, say, a battalion. Like the lost panels of the Amber Room, then, we may never recover precisely what drew the policy's creators to the history of the Romanovs. But drawn they were, making it increasingly obvious where the idea's eventual destiny must lie. After all, history offers a template for how to deal with tsars, and while I think most of us would stop short of herding the celebrities into a cellar before permanently terminating their contracts, we might settle on a velvet obliteration of the family.Indeed, so established is the underachieving dynasty that no one seems to recall why the tsar honorific was even settled upon – it was presumably decided by the same body that decrees the PC brigade must be a brigade and not, say, a battalion. Like the lost panels of the Amber Room, then, we may never recover precisely what drew the policy's creators to the history of the Romanovs. But drawn they were, making it increasingly obvious where the idea's eventual destiny must lie. After all, history offers a template for how to deal with tsars, and while I think most of us would stop short of herding the celebrities into a cellar before permanently terminating their contracts, we might settle on a velvet obliteration of the family.
Nepotism being what it is, as Caan is only too aware, you'd get years of people claiming to be the last surviving relatives of the home improvement tsar and submitting to the requisite DNA tests, only to be revealed as nothing more than aspiring telly presenters. Even if some claims were found to be very distantly authentic, there would be no way back – the descendants would merely live out their days having to shop in supermarkets like everyone else, and being poignantly addressed as "your imperial majesty" only in the outmoded circles where people still cared about such things.Nepotism being what it is, as Caan is only too aware, you'd get years of people claiming to be the last surviving relatives of the home improvement tsar and submitting to the requisite DNA tests, only to be revealed as nothing more than aspiring telly presenters. Even if some claims were found to be very distantly authentic, there would be no way back – the descendants would merely live out their days having to shop in supermarkets like everyone else, and being poignantly addressed as "your imperial majesty" only in the outmoded circles where people still cared about such things.
Meanwhile, the appeal of celebrity bolsheviks should be becoming clearer by the hour to our political overlords. They would take the government one step closer to where they would doubtless like to be: an era of ruthless concealment, where a Central Control Commission comprising George Osborne, Sharon Osbourne and other miscast national treasures could simply invent booming production figures and other Potemkin villages, while the somewhat grimmer realities were permanently suppressed.Meanwhile, the appeal of celebrity bolsheviks should be becoming clearer by the hour to our political overlords. They would take the government one step closer to where they would doubtless like to be: an era of ruthless concealment, where a Central Control Commission comprising George Osborne, Sharon Osbourne and other miscast national treasures could simply invent booming production figures and other Potemkin villages, while the somewhat grimmer realities were permanently suppressed.
In fact, the more one ponders it, is it possible that celebrity bolsheviks are already among us, disguised as tsars but working covertly towards the glorious day? Consider the doctrine of efficiency tsar Philip Green, as stated in that critically misunderstood report into government waste he authored not so long ago. Apparently under the impression that what worked in retail needed no adaptation to be applied to the entire, indescribably complex apparatus of the state, Sir Phil intriguingly concluded that what the government of this country needed was – and I quote – "centralised procurement".In fact, the more one ponders it, is it possible that celebrity bolsheviks are already among us, disguised as tsars but working covertly towards the glorious day? Consider the doctrine of efficiency tsar Philip Green, as stated in that critically misunderstood report into government waste he authored not so long ago. Apparently under the impression that what worked in retail needed no adaptation to be applied to the entire, indescribably complex apparatus of the state, Sir Phil intriguingly concluded that what the government of this country needed was – and I quote – "centralised procurement".
Centralised procurement … well, the idea does ring a bell. It is not the longest of leaps from centralised procurement to a command economy, ideally helmed by a cuddly unelected chap such as Sir Phil. And come his revolution, we might suddenly find ourselves viewing the days of the celebrity tsars rather more nostalgically.Centralised procurement … well, the idea does ring a bell. It is not the longest of leaps from centralised procurement to a command economy, ideally helmed by a cuddly unelected chap such as Sir Phil. And come his revolution, we might suddenly find ourselves viewing the days of the celebrity tsars rather more nostalgically.
Twitter: @MarinaHydeTwitter: @MarinaHyde
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