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| Simon Hoggart's week: so blatant and bent, I hung up | Simon Hoggart's week: so blatant and bent, I hung up |
| (4 months later) | |
| ✒Given the shenanigans in parliament that have been exposed this past week, I wonder if there isn't a lot more going on. Years ago, embargoed documents for the lobby were stored in a cupboard, next to mysterious notices that fooled only the stupidest strangers. "Blue Mantle at 4.30", for example, meant that a senior Conservative would give a briefing at that time. | ✒Given the shenanigans in parliament that have been exposed this past week, I wonder if there isn't a lot more going on. Years ago, embargoed documents for the lobby were stored in a cupboard, next to mysterious notices that fooled only the stupidest strangers. "Blue Mantle at 4.30", for example, meant that a senior Conservative would give a briefing at that time. |
| Once I got a call from a PR firm that represented a huge car manufacturer. A government paper on the future of the motor industry was about to be published. If I could take a copy from the lobby cupboard and get it to them that afternoon it would be very well worth my while. No sum was mentioned, but I was given to understand it would buy a holiday rather than a house. | Once I got a call from a PR firm that represented a huge car manufacturer. A government paper on the future of the motor industry was about to be published. If I could take a copy from the lobby cupboard and get it to them that afternoon it would be very well worth my while. No sum was mentioned, but I was given to understand it would buy a holiday rather than a house. |
| I was outraged, hung up and immediately reported them to the lobby secretary. Not because I am, or was, some wonderfully moral person. We are all fastidious about our behaviour in some respects, more careless in others. But the approach was so blatant, so open, yet so bent that it made me feel that the whole relationship between parliament and the press was being put in doubt. It seems that others feel differently. | I was outraged, hung up and immediately reported them to the lobby secretary. Not because I am, or was, some wonderfully moral person. We are all fastidious about our behaviour in some respects, more careless in others. But the approach was so blatant, so open, yet so bent that it made me feel that the whole relationship between parliament and the press was being put in doubt. It seems that others feel differently. |
| ✒The debate on gay marriage in the Lords was as rewarding as you might expect, although I assumed the bill would pass. The days when the peers were all crusty old hereditaries are gone, and the modern gallimaufry of ex-MPs, worthies from the worlds of science and education, plus a few TV presenters, was never going to vote against. | ✒The debate on gay marriage in the Lords was as rewarding as you might expect, although I assumed the bill would pass. The days when the peers were all crusty old hereditaries are gone, and the modern gallimaufry of ex-MPs, worthies from the worlds of science and education, plus a few TV presenters, was never going to vote against. |
| But Lord Hylton did produce the hoariest old line of all, the complaint about the hijacking of the word gay – "a fine old word, appropriated by a small but vocal minority," he said. I must have heard that a thousand times, whether in the House of Lords or the lounge in a home counties pub. | But Lord Hylton did produce the hoariest old line of all, the complaint about the hijacking of the word gay – "a fine old word, appropriated by a small but vocal minority," he said. I must have heard that a thousand times, whether in the House of Lords or the lounge in a home counties pub. |
| The late Christopher Hitchens pointed out that it was the bigots who had purloined that other fine old word "queer". It used to be neutral. "Here's a queer thing, Watson" or "he was a queer little fellow, with a twinkling eye and a corn cob pipe". Or as a synonym for ill. Can we have that word back, please? | The late Christopher Hitchens pointed out that it was the bigots who had purloined that other fine old word "queer". It used to be neutral. "Here's a queer thing, Watson" or "he was a queer little fellow, with a twinkling eye and a corn cob pipe". Or as a synonym for ill. Can we have that word back, please? |
| ✒To Hay, for the festival. It's sad that, thanks to various disagreements, the Guardian no longer sponsors this event because it is a Guardian-reading crowd. The Telegraph is in charge now, but there's a woman with a little stall on the pavement just before the festival site; she will sell you a samizdat Guardian, which you can easily conceal in your Telegraph bag. | ✒To Hay, for the festival. It's sad that, thanks to various disagreements, the Guardian no longer sponsors this event because it is a Guardian-reading crowd. The Telegraph is in charge now, but there's a woman with a little stall on the pavement just before the festival site; she will sell you a samizdat Guardian, which you can easily conceal in your Telegraph bag. |
| The weather was almost perfect, the mountains lovelier than ever. The town of Hay looks more prosperous every year. There is a thin line between funky and twee, and the on-Wye town straddles it with its 26 secondhand bookshops, shops selling trendy outdoor clothing in which even the knickers have lanyards and clips for your Swiss army knife, bakeries, crepe stalls, food from countries you barely knew existed, and knick-knack shops of all kinds. | The weather was almost perfect, the mountains lovelier than ever. The town of Hay looks more prosperous every year. There is a thin line between funky and twee, and the on-Wye town straddles it with its 26 secondhand bookshops, shops selling trendy outdoor clothing in which even the knickers have lanyards and clips for your Swiss army knife, bakeries, crepe stalls, food from countries you barely knew existed, and knick-knack shops of all kinds. |
| The funky and twee look (twunky?) has spread out of town, too, so we took one lunch at the handsome Cider Mill Inn near Crickhowell. I like a pub that makes its own hot, herby scotch eggs, and serves double-cooked chips in enough beef fat to block Desperate Dan's arteries. | The funky and twee look (twunky?) has spread out of town, too, so we took one lunch at the handsome Cider Mill Inn near Crickhowell. I like a pub that makes its own hot, herby scotch eggs, and serves double-cooked chips in enough beef fat to block Desperate Dan's arteries. |
| A festival can reduce your self-esteem. I thought the line of people waiting to buy my book, House Of Fun, was longish, but it was an earthworm compared to the python of, say, Paul Theroux, whose fans stretched out of the book tent and across the lawn. Even novelists I had never heard of were getting massive queues. I tell myself that they are going home to buy my book on Amazon, which might be true, I suppose. | A festival can reduce your self-esteem. I thought the line of people waiting to buy my book, House Of Fun, was longish, but it was an earthworm compared to the python of, say, Paul Theroux, whose fans stretched out of the book tent and across the lawn. Even novelists I had never heard of were getting massive queues. I tell myself that they are going home to buy my book on Amazon, which might be true, I suppose. |
| ✒Save The Children has, for some reason, polled people to find the nation's most hated foods – everyone, not just kids. It is a baffling list. I like almost all of them. Oysters! People pay £2.50 a mollusc in some restaurants. Liver! Gorgeous, especially rare, with crispy bacon. The other day I met a man who intends to sell packs of pre-sliced liver without those rubbery tubes in. He clearly won't sell much, except to me. Anchovies are at No 3. | ✒Save The Children has, for some reason, polled people to find the nation's most hated foods – everyone, not just kids. It is a baffling list. I like almost all of them. Oysters! People pay £2.50 a mollusc in some restaurants. Liver! Gorgeous, especially rare, with crispy bacon. The other day I met a man who intends to sell packs of pre-sliced liver without those rubbery tubes in. He clearly won't sell much, except to me. Anchovies are at No 3. |
| Have you ever sat in front of a tub of fresh, unsalted anchovies? You won't stop till you've emptied it. Tofu (4) I can live without, but gently fried black pudding (5) is wonderful with eggs. Sushi (6) will be part of my last meal before execution, if they can find any in Huntsville, Texas. Blue cheese (7) – is there anything more perfect than a creamy, deep yellow stilton? To the rest (olives, liquorice and marzipan), I am indifferent, though not antagonistic. But where is broccoli on the hated list? Or microwaved pub lasagne? | Have you ever sat in front of a tub of fresh, unsalted anchovies? You won't stop till you've emptied it. Tofu (4) I can live without, but gently fried black pudding (5) is wonderful with eggs. Sushi (6) will be part of my last meal before execution, if they can find any in Huntsville, Texas. Blue cheese (7) – is there anything more perfect than a creamy, deep yellow stilton? To the rest (olives, liquorice and marzipan), I am indifferent, though not antagonistic. But where is broccoli on the hated list? Or microwaved pub lasagne? |
| ✒I see Pippa Middleton has written, in Vanity Fair magazine, a guide to Wimbledon. It is very helpful, including such tips as taking an umbrella in case it rains. But what we really need from Pippa, but she won't tell us, is how to talk to the Queen. For instance, HM is famous for asking if you have come far. Would an apt answer be: "Well, ma'am, it was 97.2 miles on the tripometer, but that was taking the motorway; it would only have been 91 miles on the other roads, but heavens, that bit of the A303 through Chicklade, they really ought to dual that. " | ✒I see Pippa Middleton has written, in Vanity Fair magazine, a guide to Wimbledon. It is very helpful, including such tips as taking an umbrella in case it rains. But what we really need from Pippa, but she won't tell us, is how to talk to the Queen. For instance, HM is famous for asking if you have come far. Would an apt answer be: "Well, ma'am, it was 97.2 miles on the tripometer, but that was taking the motorway; it would only have been 91 miles on the other roads, but heavens, that bit of the A303 through Chicklade, they really ought to dual that. " |
| If she says, "And what do you do?" then answer, "Well, I used to be district manager for a firm of distributors, but come the recession, who is the first to go? And after 29 years' service? Not even a carriage clock, and a payoff, well, forget that. Am I boring you, your Majesty?" | If she says, "And what do you do?" then answer, "Well, I used to be district manager for a firm of distributors, but come the recession, who is the first to go? And after 29 years' service? Not even a carriage clock, and a payoff, well, forget that. Am I boring you, your Majesty?" |
| • This article was amended on 11 June 2013. An earlier version referred to Brownsville, instead of Huntsville, as the site of Texas's execution chamber. | • This article was amended on 11 June 2013. An earlier version referred to Brownsville, instead of Huntsville, as the site of Texas's execution chamber. |
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