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| Celebrity tsars: five reasons why the government needs more of them | Celebrity tsars: five reasons why the government needs more of them |
| (4 months later) | |
| Because … all publicity is good publicity | Because … all publicity is good publicity |
| Yes, former Dragons' Den fiscal superstar (and Nick Clegg's "social mobility tsar") may talk about nepotism being bad, and then admit he's employed his daughters … but let's face it, at least people are talking about social mobility now, and that's exactly what he and Nick want us to do … damn it, we've all been played like fiddles here. | Yes, former Dragons' Den fiscal superstar (and Nick Clegg's "social mobility tsar") may talk about nepotism being bad, and then admit he's employed his daughters … but let's face it, at least people are talking about social mobility now, and that's exactly what he and Nick want us to do … damn it, we've all been played like fiddles here. |
| Also, in James Caan's defence, he told the Telegraph "let the child stand on his own two feet" – he said "his", nothing about "her" … he employed his daughters. | Also, in James Caan's defence, he told the Telegraph "let the child stand on his own two feet" – he said "his", nothing about "her" … he employed his daughters. |
| Get your facts straight before you start laying into beloved television personalities. This is like Sachs-gate all over again. | Get your facts straight before you start laying into beloved television personalities. This is like Sachs-gate all over again. |
| Because … officially celebrities are more popular than the government | Because … officially celebrities are more popular than the government |
| I present to you cast-iron evidence of this theorem through the well-loved medium of a line graph: | I present to you cast-iron evidence of this theorem through the well-loved medium of a line graph: |
| As you can see, in the UK, more people search for "celebrity" than "government" which confirms what we've all been thinking for some time now: Jeremy Clarkson should be anointed prime minister, and maybe also the king. | As you can see, in the UK, more people search for "celebrity" than "government" which confirms what we've all been thinking for some time now: Jeremy Clarkson should be anointed prime minister, and maybe also the king. |
| Interestingly, my high-level research also reveals that in the United States (a nation state often accused of being the root of all vacuous celebrity nonsense), "government" is searched for around 25% MORE than "celebrity". So, it just goes to show, doesn't it … you can't, erm, you can't judge a country by its cover, or something. | Interestingly, my high-level research also reveals that in the United States (a nation state often accused of being the root of all vacuous celebrity nonsense), "government" is searched for around 25% MORE than "celebrity". So, it just goes to show, doesn't it … you can't, erm, you can't judge a country by its cover, or something. |
| Because … celebrities are better at stuff than politicians | Because … celebrities are better at stuff than politicians |
| Everyone agrees that Mary Portas knows what she's doing. I mean she wouldn't be on Channel 4 if she didn't know how to single-handedly counter the rise of internet shopping and out-of-town supermarkets and regenerate all British high streets. (I think they ask you that on the application form after your name and address.) After all, even she admits: "I'm not an academic but I do know what makes consumers tick." | Everyone agrees that Mary Portas knows what she's doing. I mean she wouldn't be on Channel 4 if she didn't know how to single-handedly counter the rise of internet shopping and out-of-town supermarkets and regenerate all British high streets. (I think they ask you that on the application form after your name and address.) After all, even she admits: "I'm not an academic but I do know what makes consumers tick." |
| If you don't believe me, see Mary dealing with a difficult customer – I bet David Cameron couldn't keep his cool like this: | If you don't believe me, see Mary dealing with a difficult customer – I bet David Cameron couldn't keep his cool like this: |
| But despite being hired by the government to be a high street tsar and launch the "Portas Pilots", as soon as politicians get involved it all seems to cock up. | But despite being hired by the government to be a high street tsar and launch the "Portas Pilots", as soon as politicians get involved it all seems to cock up. |
| "Grant Shapps' handling of the Portas Pilots scheme has been so farcical, it's too far-fetched even for Channel 4." Ouch! Not my words, the words of the chief reporter at my trade rag of choice – and possibly the only people who know more about the high street than Ms Portas – the Grocer. | "Grant Shapps' handling of the Portas Pilots scheme has been so farcical, it's too far-fetched even for Channel 4." Ouch! Not my words, the words of the chief reporter at my trade rag of choice – and possibly the only people who know more about the high street than Ms Portas – the Grocer. |
| This would never have happened under Clarkson … | This would never have happened under Clarkson … |
| Because … quite rightly, people don't give a shit about things unless they're endorsed | Because … quite rightly, people don't give a shit about things unless they're endorsed |
| Why do L'Oreal get the nation's sweetheart Cheryl Cole in for adverts? Why did Michael Jackson moonwalk for Pepsi in the 80s? Because in the commercial world people understand the power of celebrity. It, along with sex, sells. I don't even have a garden, but I found myself buying a case of BabyBio when Des Lynam was fronting their campaigns. | Why do L'Oreal get the nation's sweetheart Cheryl Cole in for adverts? Why did Michael Jackson moonwalk for Pepsi in the 80s? Because in the commercial world people understand the power of celebrity. It, along with sex, sells. I don't even have a garden, but I found myself buying a case of BabyBio when Des Lynam was fronting their campaigns. |
| At last, politics seems to be catching up – using celebrities to make boring complicated issues appear interesting and simple even though they're not. | At last, politics seems to be catching up – using celebrities to make boring complicated issues appear interesting and simple even though they're not. |
| Personally, I had no idea what a Turkey Twizzler was until Jamie Oliver helped the government exterminate them in schools – now I have four every Friday with some microchips as a treat. | Personally, I had no idea what a Turkey Twizzler was until Jamie Oliver helped the government exterminate them in schools – now I have four every Friday with some microchips as a treat. |
| Honestly, were there any good businesses before Alan Sugar became enterprise tsar? Now everyone wants to be like that pickle magnate Richard Branston. | Honestly, were there any good businesses before Alan Sugar became enterprise tsar? Now everyone wants to be like that pickle magnate Richard Branston. |
| And frankly, now that George Clarke is our empty homes adviser, I've realised there are some great buy-to-let opportunities across the land. | And frankly, now that George Clarke is our empty homes adviser, I've realised there are some great buy-to-let opportunities across the land. |
| Thank goodness for celebrity tsars. | Thank goodness for celebrity tsars. |
| Because … it gets us one step closer to talent-show governance | Because … it gets us one step closer to talent-show governance |
| As was the subtext of Jean-Jacques Rousseau's The Social Contract, it is well-acknowledged that the best way to govern a society is by phone votes on Saturday nights. Having big names like Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud (herself a product of a phone vote) making policy decisions shoulder to shoulder with boring politicians and civil servants takes us much closer to that state of perfection. | As was the subtext of Jean-Jacques Rousseau's The Social Contract, it is well-acknowledged that the best way to govern a society is by phone votes on Saturday nights. Having big names like Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud (herself a product of a phone vote) making policy decisions shoulder to shoulder with boring politicians and civil servants takes us much closer to that state of perfection. |
| Honestly, it's the 21st century and we're still hanging around in infant schools with bits of paper and blunt pencils – and then getting lumbered with a government for five years at a time … | Honestly, it's the 21st century and we're still hanging around in infant schools with bits of paper and blunt pencils – and then getting lumbered with a government for five years at a time … |
| Forget voting in supermarkets, let us elect a new cabinet every week from the comfort of our own homes – and ones that can sing, like that Barack Obama. | Forget voting in supermarkets, let us elect a new cabinet every week from the comfort of our own homes – and ones that can sing, like that Barack Obama. |
| The X Factor already has a suitable name. I'm sure it could be easily adapted … | The X Factor already has a suitable name. I'm sure it could be easily adapted … |
| Mr Cowell, are you free to be our polling tsar? | Mr Cowell, are you free to be our polling tsar? |
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